Infidelity: It's Pain and Craziness

7 Steps: from the Shock of Infidelity to A New Beginning

Hello,

Dr. Huizenga - the Infidelity Coach - here.

I don't wish infidelity upon anyone. It IS painful - beyond belief.

Most who haven't experienced infidelity fail to fathom the depth of pain, confusion, anger and fear.

But, the agony of infidelity is there, isn't it? ...At least at the begining... the day of discovery of the infidelity and betrayal.

Let me tell you this: after working with literally thousands in my private practice as a Marriage and Family Therapist and online coaching as The Infidelity Coach, I know one thing... infidelity passes. Surviving infidelity is possible.

Yes, you will survive infidelity and one day look back and marvel at the power and healing change of your journey.

Please know, that if you are butting heads with infidelity for the first time, for the first few days and weeks, I will not minimize your pain, confusion and moments in which you doubt you can hold it together. It is real.

I do however, guarantee one thing: I do my best to provide the resources, support and guidance you need to not merely survive the infidelity but find ways to ultimately redesign your self and relationships in terribly powerful ways.

So let's begin. You ready?

Take a moment now to stand back and see the larger picture I will paint for you.

The larger picture begins your healing process, for as you begin to see the larger picture, you begin to feel hope. Once you feel hope your feelings shift, you breath easier, the internal shaking eases and you begin a new life.

I can give you hundreds of written testimonies from those I've encountered who describe a process of change and healing that they as individuals and/or couples have gone through in the infidelity journey.

The process is very similar from person to person, couple to couple.

These are the 7 steps or stages you will move through as you overcome the infidelity and betrayal.

1. Step 1: The shock of infidelity

The day of discovery (perhaps a part of you "knew" and so the discovery is more of a final recognition) is met with shock, disbelief.

You know that your world will NEVER be the same. You wish you would awaken from the nightmare, but know the infidelity is reality.

You body recoils. You mind won't stop. Even breathing seems different. You look at him/her, the world through eyes stained with betrayal, disbelief, sadness, anger and confusion.

You go a little crazy. You do crazy things. You say crazy things.

Or, maybe you freeze. Totally lock up. Immobilized.

Surviving becomes paramount. Surviving the affair seems like a long shot some days. Is surviving possible? you ask yourself.

Can I make it from day to day, hour to hour, moment to moment?

Is this really happening to me...? I never ever thought this would happen to me.

And slowly you begin to realize... I must go on - for the kids perhaps. For me, perhaps. Or, just because I'm not going to let this take me down.

And you begin to look... for answers... for resources... for information.

You begin to open your self... a little... to what is "out there" that might help me.

2. Once you begin to open yourself, explore and learn, you notice your thinking begins to make shifts. It's as if your thinking becomes surrounded by a new frame.

You begin to read articles, books and reports.

You visit chat rooms, forums and groups and a new world of thinking is opened to you.

You discover there are 7 types of affairs

• My Marriage Made Me Do It
• I Don't Want to Say No
• I Can't Say No
• I Fell out of Love...and just love being in love
• I Want to Get Back at Him/Her
• I Need to Prove my Desirability
• I Want to be Close to Someone...but can't stand intimacy
• You learn that people engage in different kinds of affairs because they have different motives and personality traits that lend them to particular kinds of affairs.

You learn that infidelity is an act of temporary insanity.

You learn that infidelity may arise out of intense personal needs or destructive coping patterns that predate your relationship with him/her.

And then one day you realize... Hey, it's not my fault. I'm not defective. In reality, there is probably very little I could have said or done that would have prevented his/her poor decision.

You breath easier. A load is lifted.

And, then, if you stay on the journey that will lead ultimately to permanent and lasting healing, you suck it up, because you know you MUST ask yourself this question:

3. Do I REALLY want to be married to him/her?

And, out of this will flow your motives for being with him/her.

You will peel off your personal neediness, your fears and your anxiety.

Once this is accomplished, you will know in your heart what it is you truly want, not what you need, and you will find new freedom and new power and new confidence to move to the next step

4. You now with a clear mind and unburdened by your personal fears and neediness will begin to devise strategies to address the infidelity.

(BTW, at this point s/he will notice YOU and might be highly curious (and a little miffed) by what you are up to.)

You will know the 7 types of affairs and will have narrowed down the type of affair that most closely fits your situation. (There might be some overlap, but that doesn't concern you right now.)

You are ready to study and employ a strategy or two that apply to that specific type of affair.

You take the leap... and try and new strategy.

You wait for the results. Perhaps it worked. Or with less than the desired results, you try something a tad bit different.

After a period of time, you develop a much better idea of what works, what is needed and what doesn't work.

5. crunch time stay or go

It's now decision time.

But, because you have a clear idea of what faces you and you have constantly gauged his/her and your own responses to your different strategies, you now have a solid baseline from which to make your decision.

Do you stay or do you go?

You by this time have a response from him/her that says, "I want to be with you. Let's rebuild what we have."

Or, you know in your heart of hearts there is nothing to salvage in the marriage or s/he is in such disrepair and dysfunction that not only is there nothing left, but what is left is highly toxic to you and/or children.

It's time to move on.

6. And so you being the process of rebuilding the marriage with him/her.

You know trust needs to be repaired. Old patterns must be thrown out and new ones adopted.

And the journey together begins.

7 Or you begin the process rebuilding self without him/her.

You now are fairly sure of your decision (although some days may be tinged with regret and sadness) and you prepare for the next chapter of your life.