When Sex with the OP is Horrific!

First, here’s a coaching summary by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Mike:

Four months ago Mike caught his wife exiting a hotel room with a man. But this was odd: she was ashen white, walking 10 feet in front of the OP and looking terribly disturbed.

After the “affair” she committed to the marriage.

However, it’s been anything but smooth.

She approaches Mike but hits a panic button and bolts away.

Mike agonizes about the future, the well-being of their daughter and what he can do to “make it better.”

A secret from the past sheds light on her unpredictable behavior and raises questions for Mike about his role and the time frame for reconciliation.

Dr. Huizenga ‘s Review:

1. This tape explodes the myth that sex in an extramarital affair is always spectacular. It became very clear in the final few minutes of the tape the exact nature and purpose for her infidelity.

Mike’s wife was living out affair #6: I Need to Prove My Desirability.”

There is a fine distinction I want to make in this kind of affair. A person may enter into an affair with hopes of discovering that some part of his/her sexuality is affirmed. S/he want to believe that s/he is indeed adequate and worthy at that point.

Some enter into this kind of affair because it comes close to replicating a past sexual trauma. They “set themselves up” to experience the pain they experienced previously. This is not done with conscious thought.

The intent, however, is positive. At some inner level they want to undo or be healed from the memories, feelings and ways of thinking they have taken along with them as a result of that trauma so they can experience more freedom and health in the present moment.

Mike’s wife’s affair fits almost to a “t” into this category – a rape at 17.

Here are part of my comments in Break Free From the Affair:

“Her affair may serve the purpose of ameliorating and resolving left over sexual abuse or sexual trauma issues from her history. If so, the process will take longer. She will want you to hang in there with her, although she will not be able to tell you what that means. If past sexual encounters contribute to her pain, she will begin to experience more clearly images and feelings “locked” in her from her past experiences. These may be very frightening and powerful. She truly may not know where they come from. Her life and your life with her may take on a chaotic and unpredictable flavor.”

This describes exactly what you hear in the tape.

2. Mike’s life is cast into an unknown cauldron of uncertainty and confusion. She can go only so far in describing her agony. She can move only so close to him before bolting.

Mike struggles with his helplessness. She seems to be controlling the tempo and the relationship. They move somewhat close and she panics. Mike is concerned for their daughter’s well-being. He wonders what sort of family she will experience.

You can feel the frustration and anxiety in Mike’s voice. He feels like he’s losing his world and his new emerging world has many unknowns that strike at what is vitally important to him.

3. Trying to get her to talk or discover what she’s thinking and desiring will go only so far.

She doesn’t know. She doesn’t know “why” she did what she did. She doesn’t understand why she bolts from him, is fearful of a small kiss or runs in panic from the family gift opening on Christmas morning when Mike touches her foot.

It’s as if she lives two lives. The one attempts to be a good mother, a good wife, a good friend, and a good manager of the family. She tries to assume the normal and familiar roles.

Another part of her, at times is beyond her immediate conscious awareness. But it’s there. This part has been wounded beyond belief. She may vaguely be aware of this part. Other times it is absent. And, sometimes it jerks her with the pain and vague memories.

She may move from one part to the other. External triggers may spring it (Mike rubbing her foot) or internally some thought, image or memory may serve as a trigger.

4. I outline two important needs for Mike’s wife. These needs will the crucial for Mike to understand and embrace for healing and restoration. And, it will be important for Mike to hold and manage well his own fears and anxiety so he might be able to honor these needs.

First, his wife needs a place of safety.

She found that place. Her psychologist obviously provided a safe context for her to heal. The psychologist very adroitly conveyed explicit boundaries. His wife knew that this was a safe place. This was a place where she would not be hurt. This was a place to heal. And, this was HER place. This was not a place for Mike or anyone else.

Second, his wife needs constancy from Mike.

She needs Mike to be a “constant object.” He needs to be predictable. He needs to be there, but not too close, at least at the beginning. He needs to understand that the next 6 months are hers, for her healing.

She needs a rock that doesn’t move or waver.

5. It is also important for Mike to define come clear steps, some hopeful steps, some realistic steps from the next 6-18 months. Here are some steps we touched on briefly in the last couple minutes of the session:

Mike can spend time calming his frustration and anxiety. He can build a firm foundation for himself. He can believe more in his power and influence. He can learn about her world and what it will take for her to heal.

Mike can help keep the healing on a forward path. He can encourage her to continue seeing the psychologist, even when she wants to back away.

He can begin preparing for intimacy. He can start reading the signs when she needs him to move close, how she wants him to move close and where the triggers or panic buttons reside once he moves beyond a particular boundary she sets.

Mike can work intentionally on being a rock. He can plan family activities. He can be there for their daughter when it will be difficult for his wife to do so. He can hold the family together and share a disproportionate load of the responsibilities.

Mike can listen. He can tune in and read her subtle messages. He can learn to be an exquisite communicator. He can share his needs and concerns in ways that elicit understanding and cooperation.

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19 Live Infidelity Coaching Sessions
with Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity coach

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