Should you Stay or Should you Go?

Are you wondering what you should do? Stay? Go? Ask him/her to Go? There is often a “knee-jerk” response when confronted with the extramarital affair. Feelings of hurt, anger, rage, sadness, disbelief predominate. Here are a few guidelines if this question is in the front of your mind.

1. Don’t be in a hurry – in most cases

Don’t rush to make the decision to stay or go… unless you and/or your children are in danger.

It usually takes months and sometimes years to fully work through and resolve the infidelity crisis. (Most studies indicate 2-4 years if left to “time” and your own devices.) You need not make a decision today, tomorrow, next week or even next month. Wait a little. Give yourself some time. This is a hugely important decision. Learn. Reflect. Allow the feelings to subside. Don’t be influenced by others who tell you to “get rid of him/her.” Take your time.

The exception: If you are fearful for your safety. This is sometimes true if your partner exhibits the characteristics of the “I Can’t Say No!” type of affair. You need not decide to divorce, but you must have a plan for your safety, if this is your situation.

2. Your decision will most likely waver

Very seldom is a decision, one way or the other, obvious. At one point you may “decide” it’s time to go. Another day or moment you “decide” to stay. And you will vacillate back and forth. Decisions in which you have great emotional investment are not made easily.

3. Identify your conflicting parts

One “part of you” will want to stay. Another “part of you” will want to go. Get to know these opposing parts. Listen to what each one wants, needs and thinks. They both are important. They both carry weight. They both are important to you. Neither is right or wrong. They both care for you and want the best for you and your family.

4. Use these resources

Here are a couple resources by online colleagues and friends of mine. Both of them write their e-books out of personal experience. They share with you what worked for them as they made the decision whether to stay or go.

“Should You Stay or Should You Go?” is an “action book” filled with hundreds of questions, stories and insights that will help you consciously determine whether to stay in your present relationship or to move on.

In this book we take you through a powerful process of discovery about yourself, your partner and your relationship. By going through this process, the decision about what’s best for you actually reveals itself to you.

Wishing you the best,

Bob