“My Marriage Made Me Do It” and Confronting the Other Person

Let’s look at confronting the other person, in terms of, the seven types of affairs that I outline in my e‑book “Break Free from the Affair.” The first type of affair that I describe is called “My marriage made me do it,” which is a rationalization or an excuse that someone may use for having an affair.

Someone involved in this type of affair might say, “My marriage made me do it. I have a lousy marriage. It’s not working, so I’m going to go out there and find a place for my needs to be met.” The key to the “My marriage made me do it” type of affair is the issue of responsibility.

Someone who is involved in a “My marriage made me do it” type of affair refuses to take basic responsibility for their own actions, and their own feelings, and their own beliefs. They focus ‘out there’ on someone else, to either blame or to provide them with perfection in what they need or what they want.

So, they say “My marriage made me go out there,” rather than assume responsibility for what was happening within them, within the context of their marriage.

I think what happens is, if you confront the other person in this type of affair, you run some risks. Generally speaking, I would not recommend that you confront the other person in a “My marriage made me do it” affair.

Why? Because, there’s an undercurrent here of anger. A person who refuses to assume responsibility for his behavior, basically is an angry person; angry with himself, but won’t face that, but instead, project their anger out on to other people.

So, it may intensify this anger, or it may void their own rationalizations. “My marriage made me do it” is filled with rationalizations of why it’s OK for them to be involved in some type of affair. And it may create a strong alliance in the affair couple; they are brought together.

They are more tightly bound, because, it’s like them against the world. So, you may stir up stronger bonding feelings by confronting the other person in the “My marriage made me do it” type of affair. So, generally speaking, I would be very, very careful about confronting the other person in that type of an affair.