Marriage Communication: Getting Your Spouse to Talk

Here’s something I’m working on for my new ebook on how to get your reluctant spouse to work on something with you….

Your invitation might go something like this: “I’ve been doing much thinking about what I really want. I want to learn more about myself so I’m better able to get what I truly desire. Right now, I’m taking a long look at our relationship and what it offers or doesn’t offer, both for me and for you. I would like us to have an emotional connection that feels good and right, that fits, for both you and I. I truly hope that is possible, since a large part of me wants that to happen with you. Again, this is a path that I’m going to intentionally walk down for the next few weeks and months. I don’t know where it will take me, or us, but I’m fully committed to pursue what is best for me and I hope that which is best for us. I have this check list that gets at what a person truly desires in a relationship. I hope it helps me learn about myself in the context of a good relationship. And, I’m wondering if you would be interested in looking at it and perhaps at some point talking about it.”

Of course, put this in your own words. I hope this example gives a positive flavor to the invitation.

Please follow these guidelines and rules for sharing if both of you choose to particpate:

1. Accept and value what the other person checks as very important. Pay attention. Note.

2. Welcome differences, don’t be frightened by them or think you must be alike. Differences can add vitality to a marriage.

3. It might be wise to set a time limit to any sharing. Don’t allow the conversation to drag into the negative.

4. Never make a judgement about what your spouse checked.

5. Never use the word you in your conversation about the checklist or ask probing questions.

6. Comments like: Wow, that’s interesting, I didn’t know that, That’s new for me or Hmmmmm. may be appropriate.

7. View this exercise as a beginning point.

8. Focus on learning, not persuasion.