1. You tell him/her what to do. “You must take a look at this issue.” “You must communicate more.” “You need intensive counseling.”
2. You elicit guilt. “You are hurting the children.” “You are hurting others around you.” “You should be ashamed of yourself.” “_________ people don’t do this.”
3. You give black and white ultimatums. Do this or do that. “Get help or get out.”
4. You speak for both of you. “Let’s get help for the marriage.” “Let’s recommit.” “Let’s work on it together.” “Let’s look past the past.” “I want us to create a strong marriage.”
5. You speak for him/her. “I know this is difficult for you.” “You think I’m trying to control you.” “I understand what it feels like for you.”
6. You abdicate responsibility. “You must tell me if you can do x, y or z, so I can decide what to do.” “You must commit to me so I can commit to you.”
7. You engage in Pollyanna talk. “I love you very much. We’ve always been best friends and we can work this out.”
8. Playing shrink with the other. “You are too caught up in your feelings.” “Your problems go way back to your mother.” “You must have an emotional block somewhere.”
Make note of these blocks. Observe yourself over time, especially when confronting strong feelings and intense thoughts in your relationship. Do you default to any of these blunders?
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