1. Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet
One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The partner involved in the affair, plain and simple, has a difficult time saying “NO.” He/she may want to, but feels compelled to say “yes.”
People can’t say no? Well, I believe we all have the capacity, at some level, to say no. However, not all have developed that capacity or reached that level to firmly say no and mean it.
Some are “stuck” and seem to lack the ability to consistently act on the “no.” Please remember that all of us are “grabbed” by something and find it difficult to let go. Infidelity when connected to sexual addiction and its many forms, however, becomes a powerful focal point.
How to know if infidelity is attached to sexual addiction:
1. Sex takes on an inflated role or value. Sex, sexual conquest, sexual release becomes a powerful force. Acting on the sexual impulse is a frequent activity. Thinking about sex likewise consumes an inordinate amount of time. Multiple ways of acting out sexually (porn, strip clubs, multiple sex partners, etc.) are common.
2. This activity is bound by fear. The person lives with fear: the fear of getting caught, the fear of consequences, the fear of “being found out,” the fear of being abnormal, the fear of being punished, and the fear of losing family, spouse, job and respect.
3. A promise/failure cycle ebbs and flows with the inability to say no. After an “acting out” episode the person usually experiences guilt/fear and promises to self or others, “I won’t do it again.” This will last…until the “urge” is acted upon again. The spouse may be aware or unaware (but sense that something is not “right”) of the “roller coaster” and succession of broken promises.
4. Others are used or seen as objects for personal gratification. No true intimacy is developed.
5. Sexuality is often confused with other needs or connected to unresolved past pain or trauma. A child who experiences confusion around sexuality or sexual abuse of one form or another, may carry along that confusion and attempt to “work that through” in a marriage or extramarital affairs. (I worked with one woman who “used” a one-night fling with a significant person to “clear up” a particular issue.) She was free of that “urge” from that point on. No one ever knew. Could she have chosen a different way? Maybe.
6. Such a person lives in a distorted world. They come to see the world and relationship through the eyes of their “addiction.” They have a great capacity to rationalize their behavior, deceive others and may lead a “dual” life.
Tip: If you suspect these characteristics fit you or someone you love, get some help before your world disintegrates further or falls apart. Life can be different. Life, sexuality, a truly intimate relationship IS different. You can get there. You are stuck, and need some true love, care and guidance to arrive at the next level.
If you are interested in learning about the 6 other forms of infidelity I outline in my book, “Break Free From the Affair,” visit my website at http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
2. The Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer
“I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” is one of 6 kinds of affairs I outline in my E-book.
This is the “revenge affair.” It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in an affair.
It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse. The offending spouse usually lacks the skills of personal confrontation or is frightened by the prospect of someone “getting upset.”
When evaluating this kind of affair, make a distinction between revenge and rage. Revenge is not rage. Rage comes from a different source, as outlined in one of the other kinds of affairs.
Here are some characteristics of the person who uses infidelity as revenge:
1. Usually is rather unpredictable and erratic in his behavior.
2. Has a hard time making decisions.
3. Is often impatient and irritable when things don’t go her way.
4. Some of the resentment seems to “seep out” along the edges, maybe when you least expect it.
5. Engages in teasing.
6. Can be stubborn and unyielding.
7. May often take oppositional view and pride himself on being contrary or taking an unpopular stance.
8. Can have moments of impulsive behavior and be labeled high-strung or tightly wired.
9. Has an underlying worldview that is pessimistic. Glass is half empty.
10. Has a tendency to wine or complain.
11. May have moments of sullenness and dejection.
12. Women may respond very intensely during their menstrual cycle. Men may appear very moody at certain times of the month.
13. Manipulates others with unpredictability and demandingness.
14. Family of origin often marked by factions and sibling rivalry.
15. Has difficulty with intimacy since her behavior patterns push people away.
If you are interested in learning about the 6 other forms of infidelity I outline in my book, “Break Free From the Affair,” visit my website at http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com.
3. Focus on Self-Care so You can More Powerfully “Charge Neutral.”
An extramarital affair demands tremendous energy and often throws your life off a healthy track – which further perpetuates your inability to respond in a healthy way to the crisis.
Don’t forget your body while you wrestle with infidelity. Use exercise and good nutrition to give you more confidence and control.
Here’s a site I recommend that will jump-start your self-care.
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4. Should you Stay or Should you Go?
Are you wondering what you should do? Stay? Go? Ask him/her to Go? There is often a “knee-jerk” response when confronted with the extramarital affair. Feelings of hurt, anger, rage, sadness, disbelief predominate.
“Should You Stay or Should You Go?” is an “action book” filled with hundreds of questions, stories and insights that will help you consciously determine whether to stay in your present relationship or to move on.
In this book we take you through a powerful process of discovery about yourself, your partner and your relationship. By going through this process, the decision about what’s best for you actually reveals itself to you. Click on the link above for more information.
5. Need to talk to someone?
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for one of my coaching packages.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
Click here to check out the coaching packages.
