Hearing that your cheating spouse is “in love” with someone else is devastating. I hear often, “I can handle her having sex with someone else. I think I can live with that. But, for her to give herself emotionally and “love” someone else…man, that is hard.” (Feel free to substitute the word he for she in this article.)

What can you specifically do to increase the odds of saving the marriage?

So often the offended spouse reacts with intense feelings and pulls out all stops to “win her back.”

He applies pressure. Begs. Cajoles. Makes promises. Gets in her face. Sends flowers. Arranges for dates. Talks to her family and friends. Calls her on the phone. Asks questions… daily, sometimes hourly. He is on her like a fly on doo-doo.

It doesn’t work.Why? Well, for one reason she has found all the stimulation and excitement she supposedly needs in her new found “love.”

At a deeper level this is confusing enough for the cheating husband or cheating wife. Any additional input will be overwhelming and she is liable to close the door on the marriage even further. Plus, she is really looking for some stability, some solid centered core that will hold her firm when the wind of drama entices her and blows around her.

If you bombard her with your neediness, you are certainly not the person who can help her in ways she really seeks.

She also is liable to create a polarity and begin comparing you to him. With your neediness dripping all over you, you don’t stand a very good chance of coming out on top. Sorry!

Here’s a tactic that helps solve the dilemma and gives you a greater chance of saving the marriage.It’s called “back off!”

Stop pressing. Slow down the pace. Be silent – most of the time. Stop making requests. Stop asking questions. Stop trying to wiggle out some assurance. Stop being a pain!

Remember, this “in love” state will fade. You need to have the confidence that it will. You need patience. The relationship will run its course.

She needs the space. She needs some quiet moments to truly hear herself and face the emptiness within. There will be a voice within her that says, “This will not last. Is this what I really want? At some time I must live in the real world. Where is this taking me? Is this where I really want to go? Why am I so dependent on him? Why do I feel this empty pit in my stomach when I’m not with him? What does this say about me?”

This is her opportunity to learn about TRUE love. Don’t get in her way.

I know. I know. This is easier said than done. But, you must do it. It is vitally important that you learn to quiet yourself, control yourself and keep on the straight and narrow path.

At this point with those I coach, I teach them a skill called “charging neutral” to help “back off.” Use that skill.This will take some effort. It might take some coaching or therapy. It most likely will demand that you get to know yourself better, that you gain more confidence in you – apart from what she does with him – that you build a strong foundation under yourself that can weather any storm.

This is your opportunity to grow to another level.

Oh, by the way. She will notice! And….she might like it.

Backing off does not mean that you don’t have anything to do with her. Quite the contrary. You want to maintain your contact with her, but it will be QUALITY contact. It will be contact that does honor to you, confronts her with the reality of her decisions and works toward resolution for the marriage.

Summary: Less often means more when facing emotional infidelity. Learning a specific skill such as “backing off” enhances one’s chance to save the marriage.

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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.

Check out his e-book, “Break Free From The Affair.”
For one on one infidelity coaching click here.
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The fifth affair I outline in my book, “Break Free From The Affair” is called: “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her.” This is the revenge affair.

It occurs in a marriage in which one feels slighted in some manner and seeks revenge by engaging in infidelity. It is less a movement toward the other person and more a movement away from one’s spouse.

Key Points:

1. The affair may be a direct response to the affair of the spouse. “I’ll show you! Take this! I want you to hurt as much as I hurt.” Or the affair may be revenge for some other form of cut-off or perceived emotional injury: “I’m not getting enough here, so I’ll show you!” Or, “There, I got your attention!”

2. This typically occurs in a marriage where effective personal confrontation does not happen or happens ineffectively. There is a mistrust of expressing one’s self fully to the other person. The marriage relationship usually is marked by civility, but the two, in essence, do not know each other very well. They are polite, but there is no fire. They may want more, but are not sure how to get more.

3. The fire that does exist is a smoldering tension under the surface of the marriage. The tension may be the result of the frustration that one or both experience when they believe their needs are not being met. There is a genuine desire for more – from the spouse – but it’s not happening.

4. This form of revenge affair serves as a wake-up call for the relationship. If, and I use the word if advisedly, the couple can “get it out” – drain off the tension – and begin talking about needs, yes, the relationship stands a very good chance of turning into something wonderful. One or both must say with a great deal of passion, “I REALLY want you! I no longer will settle for the boiling frustration and seeming indifference to my needs. This is what I need and expect…..”

5. There is another kind of revenge affair that holds less hope and is more destructive. A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation.

6. This form of anger is more rage than frustration. The rage emerges from a desire to hurt rather than from the frustration of needs not being met. This person exhibits little concern, as well, for the other person. Whereas someone more frustrated because they want their needs met, is usually more considerate of the other person.

Tip: Begin to make distinctions between rage and frustration. Determine the type of revenge affair you must face. If it is rage, learn to protect yourself and set boundaries. Begin to take exceptional care of yourself. Begin to say no! If it is an affair of frustration, begin looking at your needs. Identify and express those needs. Take a risk. Turn up the passion button. Dare to engage about needs, both yours and the others.

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Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.

Check out his e-book, “Break Free From The Affair.”
For one on one infidelity coaching click here.
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A few years ago, like the early 80s, I began my training in Marriage and Family Therapy. NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) was coming on the scene and delving into its training, I found it to be a very elegant and powerful tool to elicit change.

Finally, I found someone online who offers NLP material to help people bring about change. If you are struggling with intense feelings or recurring thoughts, give the exercise below a try.

I want to introduce you to Colin G. Smith, who wrote this article. The link at the bottom will send you to Colin’s site where you can learn more. Please do so.

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“A Surefire Way To Manage Your Fears While Leading A Happier, Healthier Life”

© Colin G Smith – All Rights reserved
http://www.NLPToolBox.com
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Imagine discovering a way to get rid of your fears in a quick and painless manner. In fact it can even become fun! Did you know only two of all the fears you have are innate: The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Most of your fears were learned in early childhood and then in later life under stressful conditions.

Traditional therapeutic approaches would probably have you trying to figure out where your fear originally came from. Maybe they’d have you digging around in your childhood memories, recalling times you ate the next-door neighbors purple Tulips. This type of approach tends to associate the client into reliving unpleasantness and can take a long time to achieve useful results. Personally I think this style is way out of date and bordering on torture.

You’ll probably be glad to know we’re not going to be doing anything like that. The truth is you can easily and quickly undo the learnings that created specific fears and change your responses to something much more useful.

So just how do fearful feelings occur then? Well lets use a common example: Fred wants a raise and he’s been wanting to ask his boss for months. Finally he decides to go and ask. BUT when he starts the walk down the corridor he starts to feel certain sensations in his body. Weird stomach feelings. His breathing is constricted. Slight sweating on parts of his body. His vision is effected. Fred decides to turn back and then sits down feeling slightly annoyed with himself.

His body started producing ‘fear chemicals.’ What happened? “Well it was because he defied his Dad one time when he was four. Let’s explore those forgotten memories….”

NO! NO! NO! Let’s do something much smarter and definitely more fun.

Hey Fred come over here I want to show you something really cool! O’ come on, pick your lip up.

You know how before you got up to go and ask the boss for a raise, you felt OK right? So between the time you got up and started walking something happened. Something triggered those feelings in you. Here’s a fact for you: You either made a picture in your head or talked to yourself in a way that created those fearful sensations and that happened at an unconscious level out of your awareness.

“OK Colin that might be true but so what, what’s your point?”

Well the point is by changing the internal sounds, pictures and voices in your head you can begin to gain control of your emotions.

“Fair enough but how can I do that so when I’m in a similar situation I automatically make useful pictures, sounds and voices in my head so I remain in a resourceful state?