1. Signs of Infidelity: My Marriage Made Me Do It
Infidelity has different faces…and different signs and patterns.
Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion.
Most I work with find tremendous relief, a sense of control, confidence and power once they pinpoint the situational signs of infidelity.
Understanding IS the beginning of healing.
Yes, there are general signs of infidelity that indicate that your husband or wife may be cheating. After you finish reading this page you will find a link for those general signs of infidelity.
But, to accelerate breaking free you need to dig into and nail down the signs and patterns of infidelity.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I’ve identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
Let’s begin here.
One kind of affair I write about in my e-book is called, “My Marriage Made Me Do It.”
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her career to her affair relationship. She will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away.
2. The affair will most likely be a long-term affair. It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. He may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. He will hold on tenaciously. This is probably the first or only affair for your spouse. Your spouse is not interested in playing or fooling around but powerfully attaching to the other person. The other person is the savior!
3. Don’t believe that the affair was planned before hand because of a bad marriage. These affairs usually just happen. They usually happen with someone in close proximity: co-worker, neighbor, friend (frequently of friends with whom you socialize), etc. The other person is usually the aggressor, your spouse lacking the confidence to seek out the affair. The rationale that it happened because of a lousy marriage comes after the affair is in bloom.
4. The more you try to persuade, convince or pursue, the more strongly he will attach to the other person. He will perceive your efforts as weakness and will want to attach more intently to the other person whom he (at perhaps an unconscious level) deems to be the powerful and loving answer-to-all.
5. Efforts to use moral or religious arguments to call a halt to the affair will be strongly resisted. Your spouse is not guided by rightness or wrongness. These standards have not been internalized and do not carry much weight, especially when it comes to the important chunks of her life. The actions and thoughts of your spouse primarily originate from her need to attach to another person. Any behavior or concept that serves the purpose of maintaining the attachment will be valued. Others are discarded.
6. Expect you will spend a significant amount of time and emotional energy in the next 2 to 4 years (especially if there are children) attempting to resolve the relationship. By resolve, I mean, coming to a point where each of you are fairly free of the emotional entanglement that holds you together and generates the pain and fear. It will be important for you to resolve the relationship whether you continue to be married or separate and divorce.
Does this fit your situation?
Do you see the importance of understanding in-depth the signs of infidelity. Once you do, you will have many more options available that will help you break free.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, “Break Free From The Affair.”
For one on one infidelity coaching click here.
2. Sign of Affair: I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love
If there is one front-and-forward excuse for infidelity it is: ” I fell out of love.”
This usually means: I no longer feel sexually attracted to you (I’m sexually attracted to someone else, for now, at least.) Or, I need to spice my life with giddy emotional highs and intrigue every so often.
Infidelity has different faces…and different signs and patterns.
Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I’ve identified 7.
And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.
One kind of affair I write about in my E-book is called, “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love.”
Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:
1. Hang on to your seat. This may be some ride, much like a thrill ride at an amusement park. There will likely be many ups and downs, spiced with dramatic flair. Watching your spouse go through his gyrations may leave you somewhat dizzy. He will give his all to this new-found “love” and at other times might find his way back to you.
2. Typically you will struggle with being ignored and feeling rather awful that you can’t provide the “love” this other person seems to provide. You might find yourself questioning your capacity to “love” and your desirability. His affections will obviously be centered on that other person.
3. He may want to tell you about this other person. Not only might he want you to know about the other person he may desire to share with you some of the details of this relationship. He might want you involved. This creates an intense triangle that juices the drama. (Most classical love stories are dramas, complete with a triangle; he “falls in love” with the forbidden or unattainable princess. Often the drama ends as a tragedy – Romeo and Juliet.)
4. Expect some juvenile behavior such as love letters (e-mail), special names, special promises, secrets only for the two of them, etc. Some of these affair relationships are the result of unfinished business from adolescence. Perhaps he was responsible for family or beset by some trauma or internally or externally imposed injunctions that precluded him from dating, socializing with the opposite sex, and “falling in and out of love” a number of times, which is so important and vital for adolescent development.
5. You may hear the persistent phrase, “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” He may truly “like you” and depend on your stability, goodness and understanding. The thought of losing that may keep him connected with you. His fear of losing that which is stable and enduring may conflict with his need to follow his feelings. As well, the possibility of loss may point to the internal emptiness that stirs up very uncomfortable feelings and thoughts. This is part of the roller coaster ride.
6. He may feel very badly about his “inability” to love you and his “inability” not to love the other person. He may express great remorse for the dilemma. He may profess deep sadness for “hurting” you – but, as you know, he has no control. His feelings drive him. His “concern” for you indicates his superficial understanding of relationships. Or, his “concern” for you may be a manipulative attempt to find an easier exit from the marriage.
7. Expect his feelings for the other person to fade. They will fade quickly if this is a pure “I’ve fallen out of love (and just love being in love)” affair. The “romance” of adolescent love affairs start quickly and end as abruptly. If, however, other issues come into play, such as, resentment and/or the inability to say no, you have a more complicated situation that takes longer to resolve.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, “Break Free From The Affair.”
For one on one infidelity coaching click here.
3. AskMaple.com – A Site About Relationships
Being human means having difficulties with relationships. It can be parent-child, spouses, bosses, in-laws, lovers, friends, etc.
AskMaple has over 30 years experience in dealing with families, relationships, and employers. My purpose in life is to help you. I will sincerely help anyone that I can. I have experienced infidelity and have survived infidelity so be reassured you are getting good advice. You can ask questions about infidelity, breaking up, and family relationships. Askmaple has helped and reached thousands of people through her online web site. If you need immediate infidelity online advice and information please visit my site at:
We are always here for you.
Sincerely, AskMaple
4. Trust = Consistency Over Time
Infidelity Resource – An Article by Jennifer Bazner
So your partner has ended the affair. He might be ready to move forward, but you still find yourself plagued with lingering doubts. Maybe you are still wondering if he truly has ended the affair. Or, you might be afraid another affair will occur later on down the line. I’ve heard it many, many times: “How do I know he has truly changed? How do I know I can trust him?” Once lost, trust can be a very difficult thing to recover. Lingering doubts can plague your thoughts. Every-day events can spark suspicions of an ulterior motive; i.e. an unscheduled trip to the corner store makes you wonder if it’s just an excuse get away to make a secret phone call, or coming home late from work fills your head with any number of unfavorable scenarios. You know you will never be able to move forward as long as those lingering doubts persist.
So how do you stop feeling suspicious? How do you ease the doubts so you can begin creating the relationship you always wanted? It can come down to this simple equation: Trust = Consistency over Time. Your partner’s consistency can be recognized in two very observable areas. The first is her behavior that was specific to the affair. You know which behaviors I’m talking about; those little anomalous actions that gave you that ‘gut feeling’. Perhaps it was strange numbers on her cell, e-mails, odd hours at work, etc. She likely became angry and/or insulted when you questioned her. The first sign of real change is when the suspicious behavior ends and she doesn’t come ‘unglued’ when you ask about it.
The second piece has to do with what lead your partner to stray. The affair was not the problem. Rather, the affair was a symptom of a much bigger problem. This will be specific to the type of affair he had. Did it have to do with the low self-esteem present in a #1 or #6? Or, did it have to do with a sense of entitlement present in a #3? Perhaps the core issue was the fear of intimacy involved in a #7? Whatever the underlying issue was, you will sense a shift in your partner in regards to that issue. Perhaps she is becoming more self-assured and stands up for herself more. Or perhaps he coveys a genuine interest in taking your relationship to a level of intimacy that you haven’t experienced in him before.
When you can track these changes over time, you will find yourself beginning to trust again. Don’t rush yourself, and don’t rush your partner. It will take a lot of time and effort for your partner to make real and lasting changes, just as it will also take you a lot of time and effort to trust those changes. The affair began as a problem. With time, it can become a growing experience like no other.
Best wishes for a lasting and fulfilling relationship,
Relationship Specialist
5. Need to talk to someone?
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for a coaching package.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
Click here to check out the coaching packages.
and…have them click here and send e-mail to subscribe
