1. Signs of a Cheating Spouse…and How they Differ from Signs of Infidelity
Cheating is different from infidelity?
Yes, I believe so. Signs of a cheating spouse will be different from signs of infidelity.
In talking to thousands of people embroiled with a cheating spouse or infidelity over the past two plus decades, I’ve noticed a difference. In our society the word cheating carries different meaning than infidelity.
This is important for someone discerning the signs of a cheating spouse or the signs of infidelity. A person who “cheats” is different from someone who is involved in “infidelity.”
Cheating is most closely described in my e-book as someone who “Doesn’t Want to Say No.” This is only one of 7 kinds of affairs. The other six kinds of affairs lean more in the direction of infidelity.
The true cheater is a rather rare bird, but is probably most glamorized and comes closest to our stereotype of cheating or infidelity.
Infidelity, in general, is marked by confusion, pain, doubt, ambivalence and a period of craziness in a person’s life.
Cheating is an ongoing lifestyle.
Here are some signs of a cheating spouse: (substitute the word she for he, if you like.)
1. There most likely will be more than one other person. He sees affairs as conquests, usually sexual, and not as a place to find intimacy. Actually he lacks many of the tools and the mind set to have intimate relationships. He most likely will move from one conquest to another. His gratification on a basic level remains primary.
2. He will have little internal conflict about the affair. This differs markedly from the person who can’t say no. Your spouse will view the affair or affairs as entitlement. He deserves them. He deserves to be adored. He deserves to have excitement and personal gratification in his life. He has earned it. There is nothing wrong with this. Actually others, perhaps you included, ought to understand this!
3. He will operate in a world that supports his illusion and behavior. He will surround himself with those who look the other way or actually encourage his philandering behavior. You will probably not find yourself welcomed in this world. He and his colleagues and friends collude to maintain their world.
4. You might run into a problem with the other person or persons. Remember the movie, Fatal Attraction? The other person might attach herself to him with specific expectations to be cared for and perhaps married – perhaps part of his strategy in his conquest efforts. When she is “dumped” or the expectations fail to materialize she may pursue revenge. You might be involved.
5. You may not experience a great deal of conflict with him. There is no talk of divorce. Your life might be quite copasetic – unless you rock the boat. He has his playtime and you fill another specific role of quiet support. Keep the balance and life moves along fairly seamlessly.
6. There is one problem, however. The problem of aging. Depending on his social context, you might become a liability as you increasingly fail to project a young attractive vibrant image. He wants those around him to reflect back beauty and perfection. If you fail in this regard you may be cast aside. Part of this depends on the financial cost of such “trade-in.”
7. His fragile, illusionary world and yours may crumble if he encounters failure. Failure is his “Achilles heel.” Unfortunately, the distortion and illusion he lives under do not always coincide with reality. He pushes and bends the rules to his advantage. He may not pay close attention to the consequences of his behavior. Those consequences – legal, financial or health – may bite him at some point. He most likely will count on you to be there for him, to cry on your shoulder (perhaps literally) and help him regain his confidence.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, “Break Free From The Affair.”
For one on one infidelity coaching click here.
2. Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong
When you discover that your partner is immersed in infidelity, you may have a powerful need to know. You want to know the details. Maybe ALL the details. When? Where? How? How Often? What was it like? etc.
No. there is nothing wrong with you. In working intimately with hundreds of people like you, ravaged by an extramarital affair, the need to know is very common.
Here are six reasons why you might want to know.
1. The need for validation. If you tend to be intuitive, that is, soak in the signals from others around you and try to make sense of them, you may have this powerful urge to go back and find out what really happened.
Your partner says, “Yes, I was with him/her on that day.” You think, “Oh yes, I remember having a feeling at that time, an awful feeling. Now I know what that was about.” Or, “I asked you if you were having an affair and you denied it…or turned it back on me with your anger. I thought I was going crazy. Now I know I wasn’t.
2. You question your adequacy (and who doesn’t when confronted with marital infidelity) and a part of you wants to heal/change those thoughts and feelings.
And so, you venture into the comparative game and ask/think: “What did they do? Was he she better? What was he/she better at? What didn’t I do or give? Where do I get stuck emotionally/sexually?”
Sexual interaction is a “window to the soul.” Be kind to yourself when you compare. Learn. Often their sexual interaction leaves a lot to be desired. Know as well that your partner’s inadequacies will shine just as brightly with the OP (other person) as with you.
3. How bad is it? You want to know what you are up against. What is the extent of the boundary violation? How deeply embedded is my partner in this web? Do I throw in the towel? Will it be possible for me to forgive? How long will this take? How long will I hang in there?
This question is important for the “I can’t say no” and the “I don’t want to say no” types of affairs. Infidelity behaviors worsen over time with these kinds of affairs. You want to know where in this process is your partner.
4. I get turned on. Yes, knowing the details for some is sexually arousing. Frequently, upon confession of the affair for a couple, there is a discharge of sexual energy.
I hear someone say, “This is weird, but sex for us is better, more frequent and more intense than it ever has been.” Knowing the details of what happened with the OP may in some cases be very titillating and stir up hidden fantasies.
5. It’s a connection – maybe one of few. There may be a great deal of distance between you and your spouse. Conversations may be minimal. The affair, however, is front and center and becomes a focal point.
You ask questions, probe and want to know because it is perhaps the only point of connection. Something is better than nothing.
And your spouse may bring up the affair because it meets a need for drama. This is especially true of someone who “fell out of love…and just loves being in love.”
Or, your spouse may encourage talk about the OP because in some rather unconscious way s/he carries a load of revenge and wants to “twist the knife.”
6. You want to care for your self. You may have concern about STDs. You need to know the extent of the behavior and protection used, if there was sexual activity, for your own physical well-being.
The need to know is very powerful for some people in the midst of an affair. Examine carefully your situation and see if any of the above circumstances fit you.
Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity.
Check out his e-book, “Break Free From The Affair.”
For one on one infidelity coaching click here.
3. Find Out if Your Spouse is Cheating – Chatcheaters.com
Conclusively discover whether your spouse or mate is cheating. There is nothing more troubling than suspecting their infidelity but not knowing for sure. Now there are several products and methods of uncovering your husband’s or wife’s internet behavior, cell phone activity, and even vehicle
destination. At www.chatcheaters.com you can find spying software and keyloggers for monitoring computer activity, spy cameras, hidden digital recorders and other surveillance products including real time GPS vehicle tracking devices. Leave no doubt in your mind and discover the truth now.
www.chatcheaters.com also has a large section on other people sharing their stories of infidelity, discovery and healing, so visit us today.
4. How to Get Your Ex Back – AdviceDiva.com
Find out how you can turn the tables on your break up and have your ex start chasing after you and begging for your return!
Everyone has the power and ability to end their own heartbreak.
Find out how to get your love back. Click Here.
5. Need to talk to someone?
If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your pace through this crisis, sign up for a coaching package.
Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)
It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.
Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.
Click here to check out the coaching packages.
