It is wonderful to see the responses from so many of you.

(Your responses keep me going! I really get tired of the nitty gritty stuff of managing a site, but once I get your input, I get juiced. You’re why I do this, of course! Keep the responses coming. I love it. And, you will help others immensely. Read on and see why.)

I’ve been going over your responses and I think I have something that will be helpful for you and others in similar situations.

I chose some of the responses, made sure the identity of the person was protected, and suggested at the end of their scenario a few personal goals that person could pursue. I also suggested a statement or two that person could make to his/her spouse to invite a makeover of the relationship.

I’m going to give you two scenarios and again, invite you to respond with your ideas, suggestions or comments.

Here we go.

Scenario #1.

The person writes:

It feels like it will never be over. Not until HE acknowledges what he did and is able to accept my forgiveness and show that he has changed the way he lives his life. I honestly want to have cordial relationship with him, but because he cannot “own” what he has done he continues to act like a jerk toward me when there is no reason for it. I don’t trust myself to pick another partner. I don’t want to put anymore energy into developing a new relationship with another man. It is hard to keep my relationships with my in-laws, though we are very fond of each other and they have been very supportive of me.

Personal goals I suggest for this person to pursue:

• Shift focus from him and what he is not doing to declaring your own standards for a relationship.
• Learn to value your internal signals in relationships as having validity.

Self declarative statements to consider saying to him:

• This tension seems to drag on and on. I want to see an end. I need some hope.
• I want us to create a cordial relationship. I would want you to have that wish also.
• There are some standards I have for a relationship. I need to work on those – to let you know exactly what I’m talking about when I say that.
• I struggle with reading the signals from you (or other men). I doubt myself. I wonder if I can ever have a relationship where I feel peace.

Now, let’s improve on this.

Does this situation resonate with you? Can you identify? Have you tried something that works for you?

Even if your situation is different, what suggestions would you make?

Scenario #2.

The person writes:

Even though I know the affair is not my fault, I think about ways I could make myself better. I continue to try and push away the negative and think about what positive has come out of this. Weird thing to say but I can breathe easier knowing that some positive things have come of this. My life is completely different, my husband has decided after 45 days of me finding out and not seeing or speaking to me about anything that he wants a divorce. Needless to say I was absolutely crushed, my family is destroyed or feels that way, we have two children of our own and my nephew who we are guardians for. Our son is 7 and our daughter is 18 mos old. All of a sudden, the dream I thought we both were striving to achieve was on pause while he was put on active duty to support the war. Instead I find that he had an affair with a married woman who has four children, he didn’t even cheat right, he told her he was divorced that his wife, whom he still loved left him. I am torn inside in a way that I have never felt before. Our friends and family were surprised but I wasn’t and that is the part that hurts. Through this I have found faith to help me through the rough days and family and friends support is always good. I spend my time trying to stay busy

Personal goals:

• Continue to work on self improvement goals.
• Journal or reflect on your internal dialogue. Be aware of the part that has negative thoughts. Try to understand it’s intent and what it wants for you.
• Continue building your support system (family, friends).
• Allow yourself to grieve the loss.

Self declarative statements to consider saying to him:

• This seems so sudden. I hope you know what you are doing. Looks like you might be buying yourself a bucket of responsibility and perhaps trouble.
• I wonder some days why you need to hide (the truth).

Does this situation resonate with you? Can you identify? Have you tried something that works for you?

Even if your situation is different, what suggestions would you make?