In the first section the person struggling with the marital infidelity summarizes the scenario or concern and what he/she would like to say to his/her cheating spouse.

I then outline some goals that help him/her break free from the affair.

The last and important section gets at shifting the focus away from the spouse/partner to him/her self. In other words, what does all this mean for the person on the receiving end of an extramarital affair? After that mental shift (which is NOT easy for someone in the pain and turmoil of perhaps losing one’s spouse, family, and home) I, the coach, offer phrases that he/she can relay to his/her spouse in a way that speaks directly of his/her concern and has the best chance of being heard and getting positive results.

Section 1: The “offended spouse” says:

I have no life. I can’t seem to take care of basic needs that were so easy before. I’m not sure if it’s his intention, but I feel he’s in control of my life. We can’t have a discussion without it turning into an argument. All I wanted was the truth from him. His story about what happen. What he did with her. There are things I know. (I found), there are things he’s told me, and there are things he says. His story doesn’t make sense. I feel like I have pieces to a puzzle, and I can’t put it together. I don’t want to love him anymore. I want to live a basic life again. I wanted a chance to forgive him, and trust him If only he trusted me with the truth.

Section 2: Personal goals suggested by the coach

• Surround yourself with people who affirm you, people you know (intuitively) who give you accurate input.
• (You) treat with care the part of you that feels powerless.
• Begin to rate your feeling of powerlessness on a scale of 1-10. Notice changes daily or hourly. Note what happens to alter that feeling.
• Read my free mini-ebook, “The Need to Know.”
• Respect and embrace the part of you that needs things “in order” and “understood.”

Section 3: What the affair means for the “offended spouse” and what he/she REALLY wants to say to his spouse/partner having the affair:

• I would like to have a discussion with you without it turning into an argument. I assume you would like that too.
• It seems you have a difficult time dealing with me, especially regarding my need to know. I can understand that. I’m having a hard time dealing with me (said with smile on face.)
• I feel like I’ve lost so much. I feel so lost. And, I must find my way through this. I know you can’t do it for me. Although I would appreciate you being there for me in particular ways.
• I can’t trust myself anymore. I doubt my gut, I doubt and question what I think. It’s awful. Would you please be willing to acknowledge that with me?

What is your situation? Describe your situation. Let it flow. Don’t hold back. Then, ask yourself, “What does this marital mean for ME?” What impact does his/her extramarital affair have on my feelings, thoughts and actions? Then rehearse approaching your spouse/partner with phrases that convey the meaning and impact of the infidelity for YOU.

Visit my blog along with hard hitting and practical articles, as well as comments from thoughtful readers. Check out the blog!

You don’t have to Go it Alone

You don’t have to go this alone. Going it alone increases your tendency to believe there is something wrong with you. You need the input of others in your situation to help you stick with the belief “Maybe I and my responses are normal!”

We set up a new chat room for you to get support and encouragement from others and to learn from others. I sincerely hope you will try it out.

Go there. Look it over. Don’t feel compelled to participate, if you are not ready. If so inclined, welcome others who enter the room.

The chat room is new. I’m testing it. It offers private rooms and instant messages, which are optional. You need to register to enter. I provide this to discourage hackers and undesirable souls! You privacy is solidly protected. You can divulge what you wish about your situation or self.

To ensure that a significant number of people are in the chat room at a given time, we set up a schedule whereby volunteer moderators will be present to welcome people and keep the room rolling.

If you want to volunteer reply to this email with your first name and email address in the first line of the body. I will get in touch with you as we develop the room.

OK. Ready? Go here to login to the chat room.