Repair your Relationship and get back on track with Break Free From the Affair
Hear what others have to say about how they overcame infidelity and repaired their relationship:
How did Break Free From the Affair help your situation?
“It helped in the sense that I was able to understand more about myself and my partner and that we actually received suggestions on how to improve our present situation.
Explained affair types and provided guidance as what to expect and what to do.”
“It has given me a better understanding of what goes through the mind of one who decides to look for an alternative relationship.”
“Break Free gave me direction at a time when even the simplest task was difficult. Break Free gave me the information needed for self analysis and to put into practice an action plan.
When I read it the first time, I wanted to know how I could make the affair stop. Not by me having to do something… but to make them have to do something. I didn’t like that the behaviors I did were contributing to the problem. Must have sunk in though. I am now on the path to living life for me… but I’m still in a lot of emotional pain.”
“I have something to focus on, besides what he’s doing and how to stop it.”
“To stop doing the same thing over and over because its not working.”
“Helped me to recognize which type of affair I’m dealing with, and to assess the chances for a reconciliation.”
“I have just begun reading the ebook and feel a calmness that wasn’t in me before.
My husband and I are in our mid 30′s and he recently told me that he has been seeing a younger woman,22 years old, he says he “loves me and we are best friends” but does not know if he is “in love with me”. The OP gives him that “in love” feeling he says. We have agreed to separate but stay close to each other. We have been married for 13 years and two young school age children. The “I love you”, “in love” section was exactly my husband. I am keeping faith and hope that it will fade soon and our marriage can be better than it was before.”
“It helped me slow down and not rush any decisions with my relationship.”
Feature Article
Infidelity: 5 Strong Mind-sets that Help Survive and Thrive Through the Marital Infidelity
by Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
Facing infidelity is a daunting, emotionally powerful experience that rattles your molars (and soul) and thrusts you into a strange confusing world.
Of course you can and will survive infidelity. Most people do.
However, you can more than survive infidelity. You can thrive through the experience of infidelity.
But to do so, you must learn and discover key attitudes or beliefs or mind-sets that will propel you to even thrive in the face of marital infidelity.
Here’s the problem.
95% respond to the discovery of their spouse’s infidelity by making one of two HUGE mistakes. They lack the capacity to stand back and they either…
Put up with it. They accept all kinds of crap thrown their way. (Sorry about the language, but I assume you have thought worse.) They hope this nightmare passes quickly.
They focus on being nice – meeting his/her needs. The assumption: my “niceness” will win him/her back.
Doesn’t work. Integrity is prostituted. And, at a gut level you know it, and resentful flows.
Others go into a reactive mode, get aggressive and attack.
Plead. Beg. Become self-righteous. Explode every so often. Offer ultimatums . Act helpless. Weave guilt trips. Talk and more talk.
That doesn’t work as well. Don’t become a basket case. You can do better than that. As they say, “Will you respect yourself in the morning?”
There is a ground that is better than caving in or flailing around like a loose canon.
You can get there. It will take a little effort and awareness, but it is WELL worth it. You not only will save your sanity, but your odds of saving the marriage (relationship), if that’s what you really want to do, become exponentially better.
Please consider learning how to come from these 5 strong attitudes or mind-sets or approaches that will put you on the strongest powerful path to overcome this crisis and eventually revolutionize your life and perhaps relationship.
Infidelity Mind-set #1. Allow every fiber of your being to know that you (or the marriage) is NOT to blame for his/her infidelity.
You know the question that most people ask (themselves) upon discovery? Here it is: “What did I do wrong?” “What could I have done differently?” Or, the thought (ugh!), “There must be something wrong with me!”
Please come to understand and lock into the recesses of your mind that infidelity is an act of temporary insanity.
The affair is HIS/HER problem. You are not to blame for the affair.
S/he CHOSE that avenue to solve his/her dilemma, lack, unfinished business, or whatever it is that s/he struggles with internally.
Could you have done some things differently in the marriage, with him/her? Of course! S/he could have also! I know of no perfect marriages and if one thinks they are in one, I’m highly suspicious.
You are not a bad person, lover, spouse! There is nothing wrong with you.
Now know that I care for someone who is having an affair because they, like the rest of us, are struggling to find something. However, their way of discovering that something is totally misguided.
Anyone who chooses to cash in one set of problems for a worse set, or really believes that some one else can make his/her life”complete” has off-kilter logic.
S/he is either lost in his/her swirling neediness or his/her life is governed by his/her glands.
Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with love – but more with personal neediness and/or the narcissistic need for unending flattery.
Infidelity is NOT the answer. Infidelity doesn’t pan out.
My two plus decades of professional experience, study and research indicate:
•80% of those who divorce during infidelity regret the decision.•Over 75% who marry their infidelity partner eventually divorce.
•If infidelity replaces the marriage, it is subject to the same emotional stresses as the marriage but twice as likely to fracture.
Please know that infidelity is not your fault. You are not to blame. It is his/her act and choice. Once you get there, notice how profoundly different you feel and think. (Do you notice a difference in your feelings now, as you finish reading this section? A little difference, perhaps? Check it out!)
Infidelity Mind-set #2. Get on target with EXACTLY the type of his/her infidelity
I receive feedback almost daily, “Wow, I didn’t know their are 7 unique kinds of infidelity! I can see the patterns now. They jump out at me. That is him/her! Now I KNOW what I’m up against. Now I know the triggers. I now have a better handle on this mess”
People are unique, right? Well, infidelity has different types as well. Infidelity is exceedingly complex, but there are patterns and themes. And, once you tear them apart and see them, your confidence and hope grows… and that is good!
What you do to effectively intervene in one type of infidelity will be disaster for another.
Identify specifically what you are up against and your confidence will grow by leaps and bounds.
You will have a plan. You will have a strategy. You will have hope!
I’ve identified 7 kinds of infidelity marked by the different rationale most commonly used. These types are thoroughly discussed in theE-book on infidelity: Break Free From the Affair.
#1: My Marriage Made Me Do It#2: I Can’t Say No
#3: I Don’t Want to Say No
#4: I Fell Out of Love (and just love being in love)
#5: I Want to Get Back at Him/Her
#6: I Need to Prove My Desirability
#7: I Want to be Close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy)
You will begin to see through the fog and confusion of infidelity and a clear picture of your specific situation, the patterns of your spouse and what you can specifically say or do to change the flow will emerge. You will experience a new feeling of empowerment.
Infidelity Mind-set #3. You must decide FIRMLY whether you TRULY want to be married to this person.
Now, don’t run past this.
Most people when they discover the infidelity of their spouse, not only are in shock, but cannot stand the thought of losing their marriage, their family, their income, their security and their dreams for the future.
And so, they want to fight for the marriage.
Do you wonder why you want to stay with him/her who seems hell-bent on destruction and has seemingly little regard for you?
Do you think others might be whispering behind your back: “Why doesn’t s/he throw him/her onto the curb?”
Here’s the crucial question you MUST face FIRST: Do I REALLY want to be married or committed to this person?
Take your time with this question, Most jump almost immediately to, “I love him and want him/her even though s/he’s doing this.” It’s more complicated.
Start here: “Do I TRULY want to be married to him? Or, do I want the marriage out of my own neediness or fears? Or for other reasons?
Here’s the rub. If you hold on to the marriage because of your fears or personal needs or other factors, the chances of getting what you want and having a healthy marriage are diminished considerably.
Each kind of infidelity listed above has it’s own set of questions. Each set is a little different since the motives and dynamics of the relationship are different.
Once you wrestle with this question and know of all knowing that you either want or don’t want the marriage (and the different types of affairs listed above may lead you to different conclusions) you convey a powerful attitude and knowing that makes each day much easier for you.
Infidelity Mind-set #4. You need a courageous attitude that says, “I’m ready to stand back, carefully study and learn about the infidelity of my spouse, plan different strategies and ACT.”
Do you ever feel frozen?
Are you petrified that if you try say something different, if you rock the boat, if you experiment with new body language that all hell might break loose and you are convinced you will lose everything?”
This often is a mind set that needs to be addressed if you want to assume responsibility for changing the flow of your feelings and the perhaps the direction of the infidelity and your relationship.
Again, the development of this courage is attained by knowing precisely the target you want to shoot and what is most likely to happen once you pull the trigger and hit the target.
Consider the world that will open to you, the possibilities for healing and change as you consider the specific strategies that you are used for specific types of infidelity.
Here’s the list of my 7 types of infidelity with specific strategies designed for each.
1. “My Marriage Made me Do It” – use messaging to address the underlying issues of power abdication and personal responsibility.
2. “I Can’t Say No” – Use a tactic called “problemize.” You want to be the “fly in the ointment” for this type of infidelity.
3. “I Don’t Want to Say No” – Use “consequence ‘em.” Don’t talk. Don’t wait. Take action. Be tough.
4. “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” – use “back-off” enabling you to by-pass the drama. Then “contextualize” by painting the reality of the larger picture.
5. “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” – Differentiate between the rage affair and the revenge affair. Different tactics are used for each.
6. “I Need to Prove My Desirability” – Be “unconditionally constructive.” Listen. Allow the layers of truth to peel off on their own.
5. “I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy” – Use three tactics here; “Get to the real commitment,” “Look for the Upset,” and “Step Over Nothing.”
Knowledge gives you power. Knowledge gives you intention. Knowledge gives results. Knowledge gives you the courage and attitude to implement and assume calculated risks to get those results.
Infidelity Mind-set #5. Develop the attitude of “you can’t mess with me” by charging neutral.
If you don’t react, and, if you don’t cave-in, what do you do?
Well, you take a strong middle ground and charge neutral, a term I use and teach for grounding oneself and walking that powerful road in the middle.
You convey confidence and a knowing about yourself and the situation in your words, especially tone of voice, and in your body language.
You make your point! And, it is heard!
You learn how to confront in a comfortable manner as you are in control of you.
You find your personal power. You become highly attractive.
You change the rules of communication.
You speak the TRUTH powerfully, without defensiveness, without accusations, without explanations.
You have no hidden agendas.
Your anxiety fades, you feel in the pit of your stomach a solid center which let’s you know that you can, indeed, handle this infidelity in ways you never thought possible.
Give thought to these 5 attitudes or mind-sets. Work toward them. Embrace them.
As you do, you will not only notice profound changes in the way you feel, think, sleep, eat and respond to others and all of life but, s/he too cannot not help but notice.
- S/He will notice and it will shake the foundation of his/her world.
- You will know him/her better than s/he knows her/himself.
- this catastrophe becomes your opportunity .
- your rage eventually melts into acceptance and compassion.
- You Outsmart him/her and the other person.
- You eyeball him/her and s/he is the first to blink.
- Have a legitimate chance to stop the course of infidelity.
