Romance and infidelity are more connected than you think. That’s because romance is a huge influence in the type of affair called “I fell out of love… and just love being in love,” which is maybe the most common type of affair that I come across.

Most of the time, this type of affair begins when your partner feels “sparks” with the other person and begins to believe that these “sparks” is what real love is.

Some of the most common things you might hear your cheating spouse say when it comes to romance and infidelity are: “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, “What I have with this other person is real and special and I don’t want to lose that”, or something along the lines of “You and I have drifted apart.”

And what do you usually do when this happens? You react with romantic gestures that aren’t really effective. Why? Because as much as you believe that romance is enough to save your marriage it’s just not true, especially when infidelity is involved.

Here are some consideration on romance and infidelity:

1. Romance has been made to the public as kind of the ultimate experience when talking about intimate relationships. It has been depicted in movies, books, TV shows and other things as the basis of a strong and lasting relationship, the basis in choosing the person you should be with. And people believe that and begin to strive for that because they want to have the fairy tale ending with their true love, just like in the movies.

2. People use romance as a way for them to meet their personal needs, not really as a way for them to find true love. They want to be accepted, to be supported, to feel special, to feel significant, and so on, so they look for someone who will do that. Romance becomes the tool for them to achieve that goal without having to ask for it.

Having needs is a normal thing, but allowing them to control you and how you lead your life can ruin you. It’s better to specify what your needs are and to meet them on your own, rather than to let them drive you and not find contentment at all. Romance and infidelity are very much linked to your personal needs, and allowing romance to meet those needs, especially outside your marriage, will get you no where.

3. Romance is a precursor to sex. When two people meet and feel that there is “chemistry” between them, they believe that they should act on it. But having chemistry with someone doesn’t indicate that you two should have sex, it doesn’t even mean that you should be together. But since it is the common understanding of people, it’s what they are going to do.

4. Romance is a means for people to feel good – about their life, about themselves – and they hope to feel good whenever they pursue romance, even if it is outside their marriage. They want that high of being with a person who makes them feel special, and they get it, although temporarily.

These days, romance has lost its true meaning mostly because we use it as an excuse to satisfy our immediate wants and desires. Letting romance and infidelity fuel your actions and decision-making is never a good idea because it will never show you what it is that you really need.