Dealing With Infidelity: Things You Should Expect

Posted on July 17, 2012 by Jan Stevens

When dealing with infidelity, there are a lot of factors that need to be considered and taken into account. And the odds of a marriage surviving after one of the partners in a relationship has an affair varies from one relationship to the next.

In some cases, an affair could be the best thing that happens in the relationship because dealing with infidelity becomes a reminder for both parties of how much they mean to each other, and they become motivated to work things through and make their relationship stronger. But in other couples, an affair by one or the other simply means the end of the relationship.

The differences in these relationships also mean the differences when it comes to strategies in dealing with infidelity. There are some that require you to be tough and hard in handling the situation, while others will need you to be patient and kind in your approach.

Whatever your way is in dealing with infidelity, it is important to be honest with the reality that the emotional demands from you will be great and intense, and it will take a while before you start feeling normal again. Recovery from this type of betrayal typically takes about two to four years, depending on how well you cope with the implications of your partner’s infidelity.

Having a good therapist may help you speed things up as well in dealing with infidelity. Having someone to help and teach you coping skills and techniques will be very useful in aiding you to work through your problems faster.

Although a marriage counselor can help you in restoring your marriage, it’s not such a good idea for you to try it right after discovering your partner’s infidelity. Fixing yourself and dealing with yourself first before dealing with infidelity will go a long way in facilitating your reconciliation with your partner.

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Children and Infidelity: Making the Best Decision for the Kids

Posted on July 12, 2012 by Jan Stevens

In marriages where infidelity is involved and divorce is being contemplated, there are plenty of things that need to be considered, most especially when there are children to think about as well. The number one question that parents ask themselves in situations like this is, “What’s best for the kids?”

Years of counseling and coaching couples who are going through exactly the same thing – considering whether or not to get a divorce after infidelity – revealed that all they want to do is do right by themselves and their families, and to make the best possible decision for everyone.

A lot of people in situations like this have a tendency to choose to hide their marital problems, such as infidelity, from their children as a way of “protecting” them from their troubles and to keep them from worrying about what’s going on in their marital life. But a big downside of hiding things from your children is the surprise they’re going to feel once they finally discover the real state of your relationship and the events that transpired to make it so.

But what’s interesting to know is that most of the time, kids can sense when there is trouble in your relationship. They may not know the details or specifics of what is going on, but no matter how you try to hide it, they can tell when something is wrong.

People make decisions based on a number of different things, and the same is true when it comes to deciding whether to end a marriage or to stay in it after infidelity. Some may be motivated by guilt, some by the image they show to their friends and family, and still some by the feelings and emotions that they feel at a particular moment.

Whatever decision you decide to make when it comes to the fate of your relationship after infidelity, make sure that you consider how it will affect your children and what things they will learn from it. As intuitive as kids are regarding their parents’ relationships, know that they are as resilient as well and can be able to handle knowing the truth about you and your partner’s relationship with proper guidance.

The decision to stay or to leave your marriage is solely up to you, and only you can decide whether or not you will be able to forgive your partner’s infidelity, get past it and begin to restore your relationship. Listen to your heart and allow yourself to make this decision for you and nobody else.

Meeting people and starting new relationships will always be difficult and there are no assurances that those relationships will last. All you can do is to choose the best possible person for you, and to work hard with that person to get through any challenge that may come your way.

Having a happy relationship takes a lot of work and you and your partner should be willing to do it, especially when you have children. Remember that your kids look up to you and will learn from the example that you are showing. So whether you decide to stay in your marriage and work on it or leave your marriage after infidelity and find a new person to be with, make sure that you show your children the best example of love that you possibly can.

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Revealing Infidelity: Things You Need to Consider

Posted on July 10, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What things should you have to keep in mind when you are revealing infidelity to your partner?

The majority of individuals who have had an affair go through the process of making the decision of whether or not they should be revealing infidelity to their partners, and there’s no one else who can make that decision but themselves. But is it really just about telling your partner?  Or are there more things that you should consider when you are in this situation?

There are more things that you have to think about rather than just how your partner will react when you are revealing infidelity. You also have to consider what will happen if you decide not to tell your partner about it.

Nothing creates doubt and suspicion like keeping secrets in a relationship. Even if your partner doesn’t know for sure that you are hiding something from him or her, there is still a tendency to be careful around certain topics of conversation. Your partner can usually feel that something is off or not right and will go along avoiding talking about what he or she thinks you’re trying to hide. This only leads to more hiding, more lies and more suspicion in the relationship. And even if you are not revealing infidelity to your partner, all this insecurity, doubt and mistrust that is developing will be the thing that causes the destruction of your relationship.

Although revealing infidelity to your partner yourself doesn’t mean that it will be easier for him or her, it does have its advantages. The most important of which is that you will be able to kind of control how the information is revealed to your partner. You will be able to talk about your infidelity in a way that will allow you to heal and restore your marriage, instead of destroying it further which is what will most likely happen if your partner finds out from someone else. You’ll also be able to be there to see how your partner will react and to hear what he or she has to say about your actions. This is something that you have to endure and experience, no matter how painful it is to go through.

When it comes to revealing infidelity, take into consideration why, when and how you are going to say it. Be open to accept every possible scenario that could happen. Don’t deny your faults or hide from them because the only way that you will be able to get through this is to be open with your partner in every aspect of revealing infidelity.

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After Infidelity: Restoring the Trust in the Relationship and In Yourself

Posted on July 5, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Restoring trust after infidelity is always one of the main issues or trials that couples have to go through whenever infidelity enters a relationship.

People always ask the same thing when this happens to them and their relationship: if there is any way that they will be able to love and trust their partners the same way after infidelity, and will there ever be a time when they don’t become paranoid or suspicious about where their partners are going and what they’re doing.

One of the hardest things to do in the relationship after infidelity is rebuilding trust, and most of the time, you don’t even know where and how to begin doing this because you are too focused on the pain and betrayal you are feeling.

Do you think you will be able to forgive your partner and begin to trust him or her again? Do you need your partner to do anything for you to be able to forgive him or her, and do you he or she will be capable of doing it? Talk to your partner about these things, and in the event that you decide that you want to stay with him or her after infidelity, both of you have to agree to work and make an effort in rebuilding the lost trust in your marriage.

It’s easier for people to focus on the hurt and pain of cheated on especially during the time of discovering it, but you should make yourself get past the pain no matter how hard it is. That’s not to say that you shouldn’t address those issues anymore, but you also have to give attention to your current reality and be aware of the things that are going on in your life right now.

Although it may seem impossible to do, you still have to do it and here’s why: Your partner could be doing it all over again and you’re too focused on your depression after infidelity to notice it. If this happens, will you be able to handle another wave of pain and betrayal? Will you be able to go through it all over again? And will you be able to forgive your partner, and yourself, one more time?

It’s important that you decide the things that you want for yourself apart from your partner, as well as the things that you want from your relationship, especially after infidelity. Draw limitations as to what you will be able to handle and what you will not regarding your relationship and set these boundaries with your partner.

It’s time that you take matters into your own hands and not let your partner pull you back and forth with the indecisions about his or her life. Decide for yourself what you want after infidelity and stick to your decisions.

Posted in Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Surviving Infidelity, Trust Building, Types of Affairs, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Trust in Relationships: Making It Stronger by Being Consistent

Posted on July 3, 2012 by Jan Stevens

When it comes to the things you read on the internet, you never really know what to believe especially when it comes to advice on building trust in relationships. Some make sense, some don’t, some are immensely useful and some are a complete waste of time.

The thing to remember here is to filter the things that you  see and read, and to make sure that it applies to your specific situation. You shouldn’t follow every single advice on building trust in relationships that you see online because these things don’t necessarily apply to everybody. So it is still best if to evaluate what might work in your relationship and what won’t, before actually doing anything.

A great way to build trust in relationships is to be consistent in how you act, how you treat your partner, how you behave – everything. What causes suspicion in relationships are sudden changes, especially in behavior.

When you have, all of a sudden, started to lose a lot of weight, to dress differently and better, to become interested in things that you didn’t care about before, your partner will start to wonder why you are acting differently, why you are suddenly becoming “not yourself,” and that he or she is starting to not “know you” anymore.

Focus on the things that you do. What are those things that your partner considers to be “normal” behavior from you? What are the things that he or she thinks make you who you are? And what actions or behaviors cause him or her to be suspicious of you? What things do you do or say that make her question whether or not you are thinking straight? Try to figure out what it is that your partner expects from you, and be as consistent as possible in providing him or her that but never to the point of being boring. This is what it means to build trust in relationships by being consistent.

Surprise your partner from time to time. Plan a weekend getaway or go home early to cook him or her dinner one night. Being consistent doesn’t have to mean being boring. There are a lot of things you can do to keep things from being boring and routinary, but this is one of the simplest ways of building trust in relationships that you can easily apply in your own marriage.

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Damaging Your Relationship: What Secrets Can Do to Your Marriage

Posted on June 28, 2012 by Jan Stevens

How keeping secrets can be the easiest and simplest way for you to be damaging your relationship.

Keeping secrets has both its advantages and disadvantages. There are a lot of situations where doing so can be helpful and beneficial to you personally. But when you are in a relationship and you keep a secret from your partner, there is usually a reason behind it. And when your partner finds out what this secret is, the number thing he or she will focus on is the reason why you kept this secret to yourself, rather than the secret itself. And this reason will be the cause behind damaging your relationship and your partner’s trust in you along with it.

A lot of times, your partner will know that you are hiding something before you even admit it. He or she will have an inkling that you are something is wrong, even if he or she doesn’t really know the details. And although he or she will be careful not to force you to talk about it or not to address is  directly, he or she will be asking you to do so in a subtle and indirect manner because even at this point, mistrust is already starting to develop and you are already damaging your relationship without even knowing it.

Which is why one of the biggest ways in damaging your relationship is extramarital affairs. Although the fact that you were involved in a sexual relationship with someone else is painful enough, what hurts your partner most is the betrayal, the lies, the shattered trust and the deception that came with it.

If you are or were involved in an extramarital affair, make sure that you resolve all the issues that come with it and talk to your partner. Forgive yourself and try to understand your behavior and why you did it. This will be the only way that you can truly move on from this ordeal of damaging your relationship, and restore it and your partner’s trust.

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Changes in Relationships: What You Should Do to Create a Better Relationship

Posted on June 26, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What can you do to turn normal everyday changes in relationships work to make your marriage better than it was before?

Changes are a natural occurrence in any situation, and changes in relationships are no different. As an individual, you experience change all the time, sometimes without you even knowing. But as an individual in a relationship, you owe it to your partner to let him or her know of these changes in relationships that you are going through.

Life is very unpredictable and it can hand you some pretty uncomfortable situations to deal with. But good marriage communication means that whenever you are facing any of these uncomfortable and unpredictable changes in relationships, that you inform your partner of the things you are experiencing, the decisions and plans you are making, just everything you’re dealing with.

If you don’t know what it is that is happening in your life, or aren’t sure how to handle these changes in relationships, then just let your partner know. Tell him or her that you are going through some stuff, dealing with some things that you either know how to handle or are not quite sure what to do about just yet. Tell your partner that you need him or her to support you, to be patient with you while you are dealing with the changes in relationships you are going through, and to just be there even when you end up doing some silly or stupid things.

Your partner doesn’t always know the things that are going on with you, and he or she doesn’t want to be surprised by some sudden change in behavior or action from you. By letting him or her know beforehand of these changes in relationships, your partner at least expects that you will do something out of the ordinary and he or she won’t be suspicious of the intentions of your behavior or action.

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Marriage Communication: Allowing Your Partner to Know Who You Truly Are

Posted on June 21, 2012 by Jan Stevens

How well is your marriage communication? Do you tell your partner everything that you are going through? Do you open up and let him or her in? Or do you hide and keep everything to yourself?

Don’t be afraid to let your partner know who you are and have great marriage communication. There are a lot of people in relationships who don’t really open themselves up and let their partners in.

Trust is built in relationships by being open about who you are and entrusting yourself to your partner through open and honest marriage communication.

This is something that not everybody can do, mostly because a lot of people are not truly aware of who they really are. They tend to go through life on autopilot, focusing only on things that they feel they have to do like their jobs and careers; concerning themselves mostly about the image they project to other people and how others perceive them; and talking about things and events that are happening outside them or that they really shouldn’t be concerned about. Most of them have cautious or reluctant marriage communication because they are afraid to share their thoughts and opinions, their values in life and other things that are important to them on a personal level.

Although this doesn’t necessarily destroy the trust in your relationship, it doesn’t develop it either. And most of the time, not having an open marriage communication creates marriage problems that don’t necessarily have to be there. If you find that you are in a position similar to this, take some time to reflect on yourself and try to find ways to repair your marriage communication. Discover the things that are most important to you – what you want your relationship to be, the things you believe in and the things you don’t, what values are important to you and what drives you in life.

Once you’ve figured out what these things are, share them with the people in your life that are significant to you, especially your spouse. This will not only allow him or her to get to know you on a deeper level, but it will create respect, a more powerful and effective marriage communication and develop the trust you have in each other even more because they will know exactly who you are.

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Confrontation in Relationships: Good or Bad?

Posted on June 19, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What role does confrontation in relationships play? Does it really just add more to your problems? And should you really just keep your mouth shut regarding things that are bothering you?

Often times, when a person sees something in his relationship or his partner that he isn’t really happy about, he chooses to keep it to himself as a way to “not hurt” his partner, especially when it has something to with infidelity or cheating. The two factors that are most commonly at play in situations like this is that, one: the person has trouble confronting his partner; and two: he believes that his partner can’t handle what he has to say.

People usually see confrontation in relationships as a bad thing,  but confrontation, when done properly, is actually one of the best ways that a person can bring up whatever issues he may have with his partner or his relationship.

Confrontation in relationships should never be done with the purpose to destroy or bring down your partner. The important thing is to do it in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. The truth should never be seen as something to be afraid of, or something that is going to be destructive because the truth is the exact opposite of that.

Another factor why confrontation in relationships is being avoided  is because the person may believe that his partner won’t be able to deal or cope with the issues he has about their relationship. Maybe he doesn’t believe that his partner has the strength to handle confrontation, so he avoids it.

But never underestimate your partner’s strength, especially when it comes to handling issues about him or her. Most of the time, your partner will notice that something is wrong anyway and he or she will see that you are holding back and that you are not trusting him or her with something. Confronting your partner with whatever issues you have can also be a sign that you trust him or her to be able to handle anything.

So do not be afraid of having or starting confrontation in relationships because instead of adding to your problems, it could actually bring reconciliation and develop trust in your marriage.

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Focusing on Yourself to Heal Infidelity and Develop Trust

Posted on June 14, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Is focusing on yourself in a relationship a good way to heal infidelity and develop trust? How is that possible?

By focusing on yourself, you understand how important it is to let your partner know what your needs are as a step to heal infidelity, and you don’t shy away from it. This is especially important when you start to feel like your partner is pulling away from you and your marriage for whatever reason.

The most common reaction or effect of being in a situation like this is usually to focus all your efforts to try to heal infidelity or pull your partner back to you and your relationship. You start to do all that you can, giving whatever it is that your partner needs, providing everything that you can just so he or she will take notice and see that you are able to do those things for him or her. And this is the exact opposite of focusing on yourself and your needs apart from your partner.

This move doesn’t really work most of the time, and instead of achieving its goal to pull your partner back to you and heal infidelity, it usually drives him or her further away. And maybe you even hoped that because you are giving your partner’s every need that he or she will reciprocate and provide your needs as well.

Because whether you do it consciously or not, providing his every need is an act of manipulation that should not be used as a method to heal infidelity. It shouldn’t even have a place in your relationship. And your partner cannot really show you or let you know how he or she really feels about what you are doing because you are being so good with providing his or her needs, so he or she just avoids confrontation and acts as though everything is fine, which only makes things worse for the relationship and tears down the trust you have even more.

So when you start to feel that your partner is pulling away, instead of focusing all your attention on him or her, turn that attention towards yourself and concentrate on what it is that you need from your partner. In other words, work to heal infidelity by being self-centered. Tell him or her what it is that you want him or her to give and provide you, but make sure that you listen and make yourself aware of your partner’s needs as well. Being selfish is different from being self-centered, and that is exactly what you need to do to heal infidelity.

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