How Charging Neutral Can Rebuild the Trust in Your Marriage

Posted on June 12, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What benefits does charging neutral provide to your marriage after infidelity? Will you be able to fix your relationship? And more importantly, will you be able to trust your partner and yourself again?

Developing trust, especially in marriages affected by infidelity, is not an easy thing to do, but charging neutral will be able to help you with it. One of the things you need to focus on in a situation like this is communication, which you can achieve when you practice charging neutral.

Charging neutral means that you communicate with your partner in a direct and calm manner, making sure you get your point across properly without yelling or fighting, without being defensive or sarcastic, without any side comments or remarks.

Control yourself when you are talking with your partner. Try out a few exercises that will allow you to stay calm when he or she says something that hits a nerve, like taking a few deep breaths before responding, for example. Keep your tone calm, and your actions and body language relaxed and unthreatening. This is what charging neutral means — to keep yourself from reacting to your partner’s negative behavior.

Doing this will allow you to be able to bring any issue or problem up, whether it is something big or it is just a small thing, without dragging a lot of drama into the plate and creating a big deal out of it. And your partner will be able to trust that you will not fall apart or burst whenever you have issues, especially in your relationship, that you have to deal with.  He or she will be able to trust in the strength that you are showing because he or she will be sure that no matter what happens, you will approach everything with calm, you won’t back down and you will speak the truth. Your partner will see that strength when you practice charging neutral, and this will make you even more attractive in his or her eyes.

Posted in Charging Neutral, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Surviving Infidelity, Trust Building, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Developing Trust: Saying What You Mean and Meaning What You Say

Posted on June 7, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Developing trust in relationships isn’t as hard as people think. One simple way of doing this is by making sure that you mean the things you are saying.

In developing trust, make sure that when you talk to your partner the things you are saying conveys the same message as your actions. Saying one thing and meaning or doing another always brings in doubt and confusion into the relationship, which are things that can shake up the trust you and your partner have built and will put a pause on further developing trust in your relationship..

A simple example of putting a dent on developing trust in your relationship is when you and your partner go out on a date night. There are times when going out is the last thing you want to do and date night starts to feel like an obligation. You say you want to go, but then you look bored or annoyed and your movements are sluggish like you have to force yourself to get up. It may be just a little thing, but it still affects your partner’s trust in you.

So in a situation like this, what will your partner believe – your words or your actions? It’s difficult for your partner to have to gauge what it is that you really want to do, and a lot of times, situations like this lead to fights and the mixed messages you send do nothing in helping you in developing trust in your marriage.

So, next time, instead of pretending to want to do something that you really don’t want to do, just say that you don’t want to do it. Tell your partner that you know how important your date nights are and that you appreciate what it does for your relationship, but that you don’t really want to go out. Suggest an alternate plan, like staying in and watching a movie. This way, your partner will know what you are feeling and he or she wouldn’t feel like you’re forced into doing it. There wouldn’t be any doubts or confusion and you will be developing trust in each other because he or she will be aware of what you are feeling.

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How Saying NO Develops Trust in Relationships

Posted on June 5, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Can saying no really develop a relationship to be stronger and more mature? How is this possible? And how can you apply it in your own relationship?

Saying no is not a bad thing. Allowing yourself to say no every now and then is actually a good thing. A lot of people cannot say no when others ask them to do something, especially when it is their partners. But there is nothing wrong with saying no, and in a lot of situations it is actually the right thing that you can do. When you say no to other people, not only does it provide you to have time for yourself, it also sets up limitations to what other people can ask from you.

By saying no, you are able to create boundaries between you and the people around you, and you are able to keep yourself from things that could destroy you as a person as well as your relationship.

Most people believe that by saying no to people asking things from them, they will be seen as a bad person. But this isn’t always true. And it’s this fear of being looked at negatively that usually keeps us from saying no even during times when we really want to. And instead, we do whatever is asked of us and suffer in silence, which leads to resentment, doubts, and mistrust. Will you be able to trust your partner when you are afraid that saying no to him or her will change the dynamic in your relationship? Being able to say no, especially to your partner means that you trust him or her to be okay with it, and that you know that he or she will not be take it negatively. Your partner will know that you will not allow yourself to be pushed into doing things that you are not comfortable with, and he or she will respect you for that.

Do not be afraid of rejecting favors and setting boundaries for yourself, and the simplest way you can do this is by saying no.

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Conflict in Your Marriage: Should You Avoid It?

Posted on May 31, 2012 by Jan Stevens

How do you view conflict in your marriage? Do you welcome and acknowledge it when it has to happen, or do you avoid it completely?

Do not be afraid to dig deep and have conflict in your marriage to deal with the issues you and your partner are facing. A lot of people believe that if you are in a relationship with the “right” person, that everything will just fall into place, that everything will be easy. But that is simply not true. Every relationship, no matter how good, needs work and you will have conflict in your marriage sooner or later. There is no such thing as an easy relationship. And those who think there is are the one who usually end up going from one relationship to the next because they become too afraid to go through the difficulties that each relationship has.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with problems, crises, conflict and trials in their lives, and we’ve pretty much done these things by ourselves our whole lives. So when we get into a relationship with someone, we have to adjust and learn how to do those things with our partner instead of just by ourselves.

You might look at conflict in your marriage as something that should be avoided even during times when it is all you want to do, especially at the beginning of the relationship because they don’t want to ruin the peace. But don’t think that all conflict will bring to your marriage will be negativity.

These trials, crises, troubles, problems and everything else that can create conflict in your marriage are not there to break you down and tear your marriage apart. They are there to help you grow, to develop into husbands and wives worthy of your partners, and to help create a deeper more meaningful relationship. But this will only happen when it is done right. Confront your partner, but don’t attack him or her – there is a huge difference between these two. Talk to your partner and let him or her know what is bothering you. Trust that your partner will listen to what you have to say and not take it in a negative way. Remember, not all conflict is bad. Conflict in your marriage can actually help it grow stronger and your trust in each other grow deeper.

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Understanding the Seven Different Types of Affairs

Posted on May 29, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What are the seven different types of affairs? How do they begin and how do they develop?

Having a deeper knowledge of the types of affairs will help you understand your partner’s actions better. Knowing why your husband or wife started having an affair in the first place will help you greatly in knowing what to plan for when you decide to try to save your marriage. Here is a brief description of the seven different kinds of affairs:

One of the types of affairs may be brought about because your partner may have felt that something is lacking from your marriage, and he decided to look for it from someone else in a different relationship.

There are those who, for some reason or another, can’t seem to just say no to the other person. This is one of the types of affairs that is very dangerous. Others crave the excitement and drama of falling in love and discovering a new love so much that they focus on that feeling more than they do in trying to stay in one relationship. And they allow the other person to have power over them.

Some people choose their partners depending on what it will do for their social standing. These people gravitate towards seemingly perfect individuals who others will be jealous of. Then there are those who live by the phrase “boys will be boys,” which, surprisingly, a lot of people actually tolerate and accept as an excuse for why people have affairs.

Other types of affairs are those that stem from your partner’s need to prove his or her desirability, which leads to usually a short-term one-time affair. And then there are those who are confused about how to handle intimacy.

Your partner may also have done it for revenge over something that you either did or did not do. It may have also started because he or she is angry over something and wants to get back at you for it. Both of these are because of revenge but they present very differently from one another.

Being aware of the differences of all these types of affairs, and being able to pinpoint which of these your partner is will give you better results in overcoming this hurdle.

Posted in Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Trust Building, Types of Affairs, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Key to Moving Forward After the Affair

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Are there things we can do to make sure that we are moving forward after our partner’s infidelity? What are these things?

Going through infidelity is difficult for everyone, no matter the situation, and moving forward from a situation like this take a lot of effort from both parties. Whether it happens for the first time or the second or the third, it never gets easy. All the time you just feel enveloped by pain and betrayal and torment, and you start to wonder when it will stop and when the moving forward will start, and how other people got through it.

Well, moving forward usually when you finally get an answer to that one question you’ve been asking yourself over and over. The question that you’ve been holding inside, that’s been keeping you from moving forward.

The thing is, though, that this question isn’t necessarily the same for everyone. People experience similar situations differently and therefore have different reactions to things. It may even take some time for you to figure out what the question is in the first place. The important thing is for you to keep moving forward. Make goals for your future, both immediate and distant — a future that is focused on yourself and the things you need and want to happen in your life, and a future that is not revolved around your partner. Don’t avoid or ignore your feelings and thoughts about your situation. Doing that will only lead to more pain and anger. Acknowledge your feelings but do not focus on them. Instead, focus on yourself and what things you can do to make yourself feel better and ensure moving forward.

Remember that even if everything seems to be falling apart right now and it seems that it won’t get better, things always have a way of fixing themselves and everything eventually gets better – and the best part is, that question that you’ve been holding on to will get answered. And then, moving forward will be a breeze.

Posted in Charging Neutral, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Surviving Infidelity, Trust Building, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Jealousy: A Tool for Stronger Relationships?

Posted on May 22, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What creates stronger relationships? Are there things you can do or practice that will help you and your partner create one?

You will be able to find all sorts of different relationship advice posted on the internet that promises to make stronger relationships. Things like what to do on the first date, how to make sure you’re with the right man or woman, trust building advices and exercises, and how to find “the one.” All of this information is mostly useful or beneficial in trying to help you develop or strengthen the bond you have with your partner and your relationship in general. But there is one specific piece of advice that is going around that is regarding jealousy and its use in relationships that is pretty questionable.

This particular article suggested that jealousy is actually good tool in creating stronger relationships, and even went as far as to say that people in relationships or marriages should intentionally make each other jealous from time to time to help in developing the marriage. The author’s suggestion that jealousy could be beneficial or helpful to a relationship may have meant that it could be a useful tool or means in spicing things up or introducing new things in the marriage that you and your partner may not have tried or experienced before.

Most of us know, though, that that is not actually true nor is it the best or most healthy way of achieving the goal of creating stronger relationships, particularly if infidelity is in the picture.

There are plenty of ways that people can nurture and nourish what they have with their partners to create stronger relationships, and making your partner jealous for whatever reason and in any manner is definitely not one of them. Building trust, love, connection and great communication, honesty, passion, appreciation and integrity are only some of these things that will develop stronger relationships and restore on, especially after infidelity.

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Rebuilding the Relationship: Making Sure It Works

Posted on May 15, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What does it take to make sure that rebuilding the relationship or marriage will work after infidelity gets in the middle of it?

A lot of couples have succeeded in rebuilding the relationship, but not after a few bumps in the road. If you are in this situation right now, of finding a way in rebuilding the relationship with your partner who has had an extramarital affair, the following are some things that you have to avoid in order to give your relationship the best chance it can get.

 1. Avoid trying to find something you have in common and making it the core basis for why you are staying together. Having one or even several things in common is not what makes a relationship. While it is important for you and your partner to be compatible on a certain level, being different and having individual interests is good even at a crucial time like rebuilding the relationship, and maybe through these differences, you can create or discover a new kind of passion that both of you will be happy to explore together.

2. Do not ignore your current issues or the problems that were already there before and during the infidelity, whether individually or as a couple, and throw them in the past. Take this opportunity to really look at these issues, talk about them, and try to find a way to break through them.

You will never be able to move forward in your attempts at rebuilding the relationship if you are holding on to past problems and grudges. Bring them out in the open and get through them, so that you when you start over, you can do it with a clean slate.

3. Never forget the progress you’ve made. Most couples, in the middle of rebuilding the relationship, revert to their old ways once they begin to feel comfortable again, and forget the changes they have implemented. The way you communicate, how you think, the patterns of how your relationship used to be usually eventually come back to the surface and become the norm once again. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but you have to make sure that the negative patterns and issues don’t resurface along with the positive ones.

Yes, rebuilding the relationship after infidelity is difficult and creating a new dynamic between the two of you will most definitely prove to be a challenge, but if you feel that there is still something there worth fighting for, then you should fight for it.

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Infidelity Counseling: Why Men Avoid Marital Therapy

Posted on May 10, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Why are men so against infidelity counseling, especially when they’re the ones who have done the cheating?

Most of the time, when a couple goes in for infidelity counseling or marital therapy to try to rebuild their marriage after an affair it is usually the woman who had made the decision to do so. It is a common belief that men are generally against the idea of going to counseling to talk about their problems, marital or otherwise. Here are some observations as to why that may be:

1. Men are direct, to-the-point problem solvers. They don’t dwell or over-analyze things they are going through. When they see a problem, they think of a solution to fix it. And if that particular solution doesn’t work, they think of another solution, then another one, then another one.

Going in for infidelity counseling, in most cases, isn’t as helpful or fulfilling for them as it is for women because they don’t see how it can help the situation.

2. There is this notion that men aren’t capable of expressing their feelings and thoughts, at least not as well as women do, and that talking about their problems and things like that isn’t something that they should do because that particular area is something just for women. And talking about their problems and feelings is exactly what they think infidelity counseling is all about.

3. Men like to think things through internally rather than talking about them out loud. They aren’t really keen on saying out in the open what their problems are or what it is that they are going through, and what they think and they how they feel about those problems. They would keep things to themselves, think of the different things they can do about it, and then go ahead and do it.

Women should be sensitive about how their husbands feel about counseling. Not all men are open to sharing their feelings with a stranger, but not all men would keep things bottled up inside either. Try to assess which of those your partner is. And before making any plans, discuss it with your husband first. Nothing feels more like an attack than a surprise appointment for infidelity counseling that he had no idea about.

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Details of the Affair: Why Isn’t He/She Telling Me?

Posted on May 8, 2012 by Jan Stevens

How important is it to know the details of the affair?

When infidelity occurs in the marriage, it is common for the victim to demand to know the details of the affair – asking what happened, when, where and how – and everyone has their own personal reasons for wanting to know these things. If you find that your partner is unwilling to divulge or reveal the details of the affair and other things that you want to know though, you should understand that your partner has his or her own reasons for doing so as well.

A common theme or reason why your partner chooses to keep the details of the affair from you is because your partner is ashamed or guilty over the things he or she has done, and doesn’t see how it will benefit you to go through all of those things. Your partner is aware that what he or she did was wrong and is too scared or ashamed to admit and acknowledge it.

The way your partner sees it, revealing the details of the affair to you will only cause you pain, and him or her shame. So what’s the point in talking about it over and over?

Another reason could be that he or she is doing it intentionally because he or she sees that it hurts you to not know the details of the affair. This is especially true if your partner’s affair began as a kind of revenge for something you did or didn’t do that affected him negatively. Even if your partner is doing it unconsciously, he could be holding back on giving you answers because he is enjoying the fact that he is hurting you and making you squirm.

If none of these situations fits yours, take some time to really evaluate what is happening and why it is happening. This way, you can plan different strategies or tactics on how to fix the problem.

You should also ask yourself why it is important for you to know what your partner did during his or her infidelity? What are your reasons for wanting to find out the details?

The reasons behind your wanting to find out the details of the affair could prove to be beneficial in helping you move forward in your life after the affair.

 

Posted in Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment