Identifying Barriers: First Step in Recovering From Infidelity

Posted on April 26, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What are the things you need to do when your marriage is recovering from infidelity?

There is a lot of information out there that will tell you the things you can do to fix your relationship and make your marriage work after infidelity. The thing is, all the information in the world will not tell you how you can overcome the personal barriers that are always there in situations like this.

Identifying the problem is always a good place to start. Specifying what barriers exist between you and your partner is a great way to begin the process of recovering from infidelity.

Here are some of the most common barriers that couples in this situation run into when they are working on saving the marriage and recovering from infidelity:

1. Focusing on the other person. You get too caught up in comparing yourself to the other person and trying to figure out why your partner chose him or her that you start thinking less of yourself. And even if you want to go back to the “old you” – the you before the affair – you have a hard time doing so because you are too engrossed on the other person.

2. You find yourself too afraid to make any demands from your partner. People who are recovering from infidelity tend to want to avoid conflict or create more issue so they prevent themselves from provoking him or her in any way, so you back down and avoid any type of confrontation with him or her. You are never sure of what is going through your partner’s mind because you never ask. You keep your thoughts only to yourself.

3. Your partner has a difficult time talking about the affair and giving you whatever information you think you need to know. No matter how much you try to ask questions and begin a conversation about the affair, your partner shuts down and pulls away, and you get nothing.

Rebuilding a marriage after infidelity takes a lot of time and work. Both parties need to keep an open mind and to make a lot of effort to keep from breaking down or bursting out of control all the time, but this is what needs to be done when recovering from infidelity.

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Real-Life Infidelity Stories: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

Posted on April 24, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Is it possible to be able to trust after infidelity?

The following is a summary of a session with a client who is finding it difficult to trust after infidelity. She talks about some of the things she is dealing with in her situation with her husband. Also included are some of the things she is suggested to work on to help her and her husband get through what they are going through.

I’m having difficulty trusting my husband now. I know that he will eventually earn my trust back, but I’m sure it won’t be the same as before. Through this whole experience, I’ve learned to think about my needs and my wants. I’ve started to realize how the relationship has been unfulfilling for me in some ways, and to ask for what I need. I’ve learned to set up boundaries for him and for myself within the marriage. And I’m sure that if I found out that he was having another affair that it would be easier for me to accept it and walk away. I know I am stronger now, that I can rebuild my life without him if I needed to. I’m more aware of myself now and I know who my sources of support are, but I still want to try to work things out with my husband. I’m just having a hard time to trust after infidelity.

For right now, though, I’m interested in working on identifying the barriers that is keeping us from really working on our marriage and breaking these barriers to help us make a true and lasting relationship. I think that both of us are afraid, that on some level, the core of the barriers we are facing is fear. So how do we get past the fear, at least enough to be able to reach out to each other and connect?

Our relationship at the moment is very superficial. We are nice to each other and we’re polite, but we never really talk about the affair or anything important. Our sex life has changed drastically as well, and it feels like whenever he touches me or gets close to me, he only does it to be nice and not because he wants to be intimate at all. It never used to be like this, not even when he was having the affair. Why has everything changed? Why is he pulling away from me? Will I ever be able to have a relationship with him again — to trust after infidelity?

If you find yourself in the same situation as the one above, here are some things you can do to help you move towards building a better relationship, and to make ways for you to be able to trust after infidelity:

1. Try to figure out why you are afraid and what you are afraid of. Identify the part of you that is afraid. Do you think that your fears have something to do with why you are having difficulty with trust after infidelity?

2. Identify the pattern or trigger that keeps you and your partner from being intimate. What happens when you try to be intimate? What goes through your head? What do you think about? What do you do?

3. Try to figure out what specific type of affair your partner had. This will help you develop a better strategy in approaching your partner, and could even give you an idea on how to begin to develop trust after infidelity.

4. One of the most difficult things that you will have to work on is to rebuild trust after infidelity, and communication with your partner is one of the key tools you must develop to achieve that.

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Posted in Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Surviving Infidelity, Trust Building, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Real-Life Infidelity Stories: How to Emotionally Reconnect After the Affair

Posted on April 19, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Are you having trouble figuring out how to emotionally reconnect with your spouse after infidelity?

This is from another real-life coaching session with a client who is having a rather hard time dealing with her husband’s extramarital affair. She talks about having difficulty communicating with her husband and asks about ways on how to emotionally reconnect with him now that the affair is over.

After I found out about the affair, it just seems like I’m not myself anymore, and my husband is making it worse. Whenever I bring up the affair and ask questions about it, he changes the topic or pretends not to hear me. We can’t have any type of discussion anymore without it turning into an argument. I feel like I can’t do anything without his approval. Every time I do something he doesn’t like, his mood changes or he stops talking to me, especially when I try to start a conversation about his affair. All I ask from him is to tell me the truth, tell me what happened and what he did with her but he can’t even do that. His story doesn’t make any sense. I’m trying to piece it all together – the things he said and the things I found out – and things just don’t add up. I don’t know how to emotionally reconnect with him if he doesn’t even tell me what I need to know. I want to forgive him and I’m giving him a chance but he won’t even tell me the truth. I don’t want to love him anymore if he keeps being this way. I just don’t know what else I can do. I just want my life back.

Here are some of the suggestions on how to emotionally reconnect with your spouse when you are having trouble in that aspect:

1. Strengthen your support system. It is important that you surround yourself with people you trust, people who will affirm you and people who you know will tell you the truth, especially when you are not getting any support from your spouse.

2. Begin communicating with your partner again and talk about things that he is comfortable with first. One of the things you need to focus on on how to emotionally reconnect with your spouse is by getting comfortable with each other again.

3. What is it specifically that you need to know about his or her affair? Is there a specific detail that you are after? And why do you think your partner is keeping it from you? Look into yourself and try to figure these things out.

4. Read the free mini-ebook entitled “The Need to Know” to help you try to figure out why the need for you to know the details of his affair is so strong and important to you.

There are a lot more different ways on how to emotionally reconnect with your spouse after infidelity, the trick is to find one that will work for you and your partner.

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Recover from Infidelity: Turning Depression into Hope

Posted on April 17, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Learn how to recover from infidelity from this real-life infidelity story.

Over the past 20 years, a lot of clients have come in for personal, one-on-one coaching and counseling sessions to try to be a step closer to recover from infidelity. In this real-life story from one of these clients, she talked about what went on in her marriage and how her husband’s affair affected her.

I was very depressed before that it even got to a point where I sometimes didn’t leave the house for days. I was always focused on my husband – what his mood was going to be that day, how he was feeling towards me, how he was treating me. I mean, I’ve been working on it but it’s just really hard for me. He said that it was that that drove him to the affair. That it just got really hard for him to live with me that way.

We’ve both been working on our personal issues and I’ve trying real hard to recover from his infidelity. We still live together but I haven’t really decided yet whether to stay in the marriage or not. I can see that he’s been making some changes as well, but I’m a little frustrated because they’re not the changes I wanted to happen. I realize, though, that I’m being unfair and that I haven’t even acknowledged his efforts. I just feel like I’m ready to move forward with my life, but I need more from him if he wants us to stay together. If he can’t do that for me, then maybe its time we go our separate ways, and I’m okay with that. I really believe that if we continue to go on like this that both of us won’t really be able to recover from infidelity — that we’ll just tear each other apart — and I really don’t want that to happen.

I’ve forgiven him for the affair and I’ve asked forgiveness for my part in causing it as well, which I think is the first step for us to recover from infidelity. This experience has opened my eyes to a lot of opportunities that I didn’t see before, and I’m grateful for that. I’ve gone through a lot in my life and I believe that I ca do something good, that I can help other through my experiences, and I’m working on figuring out how to do that right now. I’m really excited to see where my life will lead next.

From this real-life infidelity story, the following are some of the personal goals that the coach suggested for this client to recover from infidelity that you might find useful as well, especially if you find yourself in a similar situation:

1. Take some time to reflect and examine what themes in your life come to the surface whenever you’re depressed.

2. Be specific on the changes you want from your partner.

3. List as least five factors that you think is holding you back from fully committing to your partner.

4. Make a list of your personal needs and mark down those that are really important to you.

5. Don’t forget to acknowledge the progress you’ve done.

It isn’t easy to recover from infidelity, no matter what the circumstances are, but there are a lot of  things that you can do that will enable you to go through it.

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Real-Life Infidelity Stories: Holding on to the Silver Lining

Posted on April 6, 2012 by Jan Stevens

This is an excerpt from one of the coaching sessions Dr. Robert Huizenga had with a client who discovered that her husband had an affair while he was on active duty during the war.

After finding out about my husband’s affair, he stopped seeing and talking to me for over a month before he suddenly asked for a divorce. I felt hurt and betrayed, and I really felt like my family was destroyed.

He was involved with a married woman. He told her that he was divorced and that his wife, whom he still loved, had left him. Our friends and family were surprised by what happened, but I really wasn’t, which I think is why it hurts more.

Right now, I’m just trying to concentrate on the positive things that this has brought me. My life is completely different now, and I’m taking care of our two young children as well as our nephew who we are guardians for. My friends and family have been very helpful and a great support system through this whole ordeal, and I know that I am getting stronger and stronger everyday.

The following are some of the personal goals she is working on right now, through the suggestion of the coach:

1. To grieve the loss of her marriage.

2. To keep herself busy and continue to work on self-improvement goals.

3. To make a journal chronicling her thoughts and feelings, focusing on the negative as well as the positive and try to figure out where they come from.

4. To continue to rely and build her support system.

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Clues of an Emotional Affair

Posted on March 30, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What are the clues of an emotional affair?

There have been plenty of response from people who have gone through the agony of watching their partner go through an emotional affair, and they want to share with everyone some of the things they’ve learned and the signs they say you have to watch out for if you suspect that your partner is involved in one.

Here are some of the clues of an emotional affair:

1. If he starts coming home late more than usual.

2. If you notice a change in your sex life, or you don’t have sex anymore.

3. He always has an excuse to go out of the house, usually at night.

4. You have trouble communicating, or he seems to not be listening to you when you are trying to talk to him.

5. You notice that he tends to avoid certain topics when you talk, and that he is keeping secrets from you.

6. He makes or receives phone calls late at night, and he usually answers them outside or in a different room.

7. You start having fights and arguments with the slightest provocation or over the smallest issues.

8. He starts changing his appearance, or seems to care more about how he looks.

9. There always seems to be some work event that he has to attend.

10. He starts making unusual comments about your marriage or relationship that he never said before.

Emotional affairs are very tricky. They can be devastating to deal with, sometimes more devastating than a sexual affair. Many times, emotional affairs will begin with a friend or co-worker, and your spouse or partner will most likely attempt to justify their relationship with him/her. This can be very difficult to deal with, because without physical intimacy chances are they don’t see anything wrong with what they are doing, or at least they won’t acknowledge the problem. Pay attention to these clues, and more importantly pay attention to your instincts.

Remember, these are clues of an emotional affair, and even if your spouse is exhibiting one or more of the above, it doesn’t necessarily mean they are having an affair.

Posted in Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Pain, Internet Cheating, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Surviving Infidelity, Trust Building, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

Infidelity Feelings: Holding On To Your Feelings During Infidelity

Posted on March 23, 2012 by Jan Stevens

How Do You Learn to “Hold Your Infidelity Feelings” when confronted with the devastation of an extramarital affair?

Most people have a hard time upon discovering that their partners are engaged in an extramarital affair. All these thoughts and feelings run through your head and you don’t know how to keep them from blowing into the surface.

One of the techniques you can do is to set aside some time where you can reflect on what you’re feeling, and think about your situation.

Here’s how you can reflect on your infidelity feelings:

1. Prepare a notebook, a pen and some kind of timer.

2. Find a place where you can be alone, where no one will be able to bother you.

3. When you begin to have intense infidelity feelings and thoughts, go that place, set your timer for two minutes, and write down everything. When you are in pain, write down where it hurts. When you have thoughts going through your mind – good or bad – write them down. When you are feeling all sorts of emotions, write them down. Don’t censor yourself. Don’t worry about the things you write. If you’re worried someone might read it, then you can throw it away after. You can do whatever you want with what you wrote. The important thing is to let out all your thoughts and feelings about what you’re going through.

4. When the two minutes are up, set aside your things. Stop writing, and go back to taking care of your other responsibilities.

5. Repeat the process when these thoughts and feelings begin to arise again.

This technique helps you by acknowledging that your feelings are there, and it also helps you go through your normal daily routines and activities without ignoring your feelings. This is often very effective for those individuals who like to write and are in reflective in nature. If it isn’t something that you think will work for you, or isn’t something that you’re comfortable doing, it’s perfectly alright. Different people need different techniques when dealing with infidelity feelings, and some other technique will probably work better for you.

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The Seventh Type of Affair: Why It Is Confusing

Posted on March 16, 2012 by Jan Stevens

How to Deal with the Confusion of the Seventh Type of Affair

The 7th kind of affair, I Want to be Close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy), is usually accompanied with plenty of confusion, not just on your part, but for your partner and the other person as well. Most of the time, everyone involved is stuck in this place of not knowing what to do and where to go. All this confusion is usually caused by two things: the emotions that come about upon discovering your partner’s infidelity, and your partner’s inability to choose between you and the other person.

Because of these things, and maybe a few other issues, you become stuck along with everyone else. A part of you will want to get away from everything – the confusion, the relationship, and your partner – but then you will feel that another part of you wants to stay and fight and work things out with your partner. You never really decide what you want to do and the longer and harder you try to think about your situation, the more confusing everything becomes.

How do you deal with the confusion of this type of affair?

Never allow yourself to be pulled back and forth from one decision to the next by your partner’s needs and wants. Ask yourself, “What do I want for me?” And when you realize and discover and know the things that you want for yourself – apart from your partner and your relationship and the affair – then you will have all the tools you will need to make a decision, move in the right direction, and not be stuck anymore. Don’t be paralyzed by this type of affair, and use the proper techniques to break free from the affair and the pain.

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After the Affair: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What to Do After the Affair…

Discovering your partner’s infidelity is never easy, and deciding whether or not to stay in the marriage after the affair isn’t any easier. Plenty of couples stay together after infidelity, but then there are plenty of couples who break up. This decision lies on you and what you want, but you have to make sure that you are it for the right reasons.

Here are some of the things you need to reflect on. Read the following reasons why some people decide to stay in the marriage and see which on fits your situation best.

Do you really want to save the marriage after the affair or…?

1. Do you believe that you are helping him by staying? Are you afraid of what will happen to him or what he might do to others and himself if you leave?

2. Do you feel like there’s nothing more you can do to change his behavior? That all you can do is just to tolerate his actions and let him be? Do you feel that that is what’s best for you to do?

3. Are you afraid that he will hurt you if you leave after the affair? Is your partner violent, or does he have a tendency to be? Are you staying in your relationship because you are afraid for your safety?

4. Are your needs something you don’t, or haven’t, thought about? Have you been so focused on giving your partner and your children the home they deserve, their wants and needs, that you have forgotten to think of your own?

Regardless of the decision you make after the affair, know that you are not alone and this too shall pass.

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Extramarital Affairs: Who is to Blame?

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Jan Stevens

In almost every case of infidelity, the one getting all the blame, hate and anger is usually the third party. This is mostly because the general belief in society is that the third person is the one who caused the affair by seducing a married person, and they tend to forget that their partners are as much to blame.

Although, it is much easier to point the finger at the third person and say that he or she is the cause of all the problems in your marriage, you have to be honest with yourself and realize that it’s actually the other way around – that the problems caused the affair – and it is not that person’s fault alone.

Blaming the third person becomes a way for you to rid yourself and your partner of any faults regarding the affair, which is running away from the real issues you need to face. Accepting each person’s mistakes in the situation is the only way you can really confront what is happening in your relationship and in your life, and it is the only way you can move forward from it.

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