How to Help with Infidelity

Posted on February 24, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Are you trying to provide help with infidelity to a friend or family member?

One of the most common questions that friends of people who are in the middle of infidelity crises ask is “what can I do to for my friend/family member to help with infidelity?” Similarly, often the cheater or offending spouse or partner will ask “what does my partner need from me?”

Dr. Huizenga has talked to a lot of people who have gone through affairs and affair crises over the years. Different people have different needs, but there are some common needs of those suffering with the pain of infidelity.

Here are some of the things they had to say about how you can help with infidelity:

  1. I really want to talk to someone and get all of this out of my chest. I know that what I have to say isn’t going to be all nice and good and easy to hear, I’m aware of that, but I just really want to vent.
  1. I want to feel accepted, to know I’m okay. I want to someone to listen to my pain, and maybe point me to the different directions I can go to get away from the pain.
  1. I want to know that this isn’t going to last forever – that there is an end in sight.
  1. I need to have some space to kind of sort out the different feelings I have for this situation on my own.
  1. It would be great for someone to ask me how I’m doing from time to time – ask what I’m learning about myself and how to handle everything.
  1. I need you to understand and accept my feelings of ambivalence towards you – to know that I am unsure of what I want and accept that what I am doing may contradict what I am saying.
  1. I want to know that you are there for me. I want to be able to rely on you to listen and to speak to, but know that if you can’t do that then I’d understand.

Infidelity will cost a lot – emotionally as well as physically, but keep in mind that it can also be an opportunity for you or your loved one to re-evaluate life, and to restore it to be better.

Figuring out how to provide support can be difficult, but letting those affected by infidelity know you’re there is the first and most important step to providing help with infidelity.

Posted in Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Sexual Affairs: Not Always Hot

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Usually, when you discover that your partner is having an affair, the first thought that pops in your head is your partner having sex with someone else and enjoying it. You imagine their sexual encounters to be the most amazing experience your partner has ever had, and that you can never compare to the satisfaction that the other person gives him. There might be some cases where this could be true, but more often than not, it actually isn’t.

It is actually more likely that your partner’s sexual encounters with the other person leaves nothing to be desired, and is nothing like you imagined. There are often cases where the one who was involved in the affair regrets doing so, and the terrible sex with the other person only compounded the guilt your partner felt.

It isn’t always easy to shake the thought that your partner had the time of his life with the other person, and it will probably take some time before you actually believe that it wasn’t as good as you’d thought.  But always remember that sex can never be as good in extramarital affairs as it is in a relationship based on truth and integrity.

 

Posted in Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Confronting Your Cheating Partner: Why You Should Know What He Did

Posted on February 3, 2012 by Jan Stevens

When you find out that your partner is cheating on you, one of the first reactions you might have is that you want to know every detail about his other relationship. You want to know who the other person is, what they did, when they did it and even where, whether your partner enjoyed it or not, if the other person is better than you in any way – you just want to know everything.

Some people would say that it is better not know these things and that you should just let it go and move on, but it is important to know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to know everything that happened.

Here are some reasons why you should know the details about your partner’s other relationship:

1. The need to be validated. There are people who have kind of a sixth sense about things like this, sensing that something is wrong even when there is no real evidence to support that “feeling.” Asking your partner about the details of the other relationship helps you validate a “feeling” you had, for example, on a specific time when you felt that your partner wasn’t acting like himself. Hearing that, yes, your partner was with the other person at that particular time erases any doubt you may have had about yourself and you become reassured that no, you are not crazy.

2. You want to know if it was something you did or did not do that pushed your partner to have an affair. You want to know what they did and how it compared to the things that you and your partner did, especially when it comes to sexual interactions. What you have to remember, though, is that you have to be kind to yourself when you compare. Most often than not, his sexual encounters with the other person are not as profound or significant as you imagined.

3. You want to know how deeply involved your partner is in the other relationship. What is the extent of his actions and how much do they actually mean to him? You want to be able to assess if you can forgive the things he’s done or if it will be too much for you to handle. And, you want to know if your partner can let go of the other person or if he wants to continue his affair and end what he has with you.

Posted in Infidelity Pain, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity, Trust Building | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Recovering From Infidelity: When Can I Feel Normal Again?

Posted on January 27, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Although normalcy truly is a relative and subjective concept, there have been plenty of clients who have asked this question after they discover that their partners have been in extramarital affairs. And truth be told, there is no exact time-frame for when someone can be completely at peace with something like this.

No one can ever foresee what the status of a relationship will be a few weeks, months or even years after being struck with infidelity. The outcomes for relationships will differ from one another. For some marriages, a bout of infidelity can be a good thing because it draws the couple closer together and makes the relationship stronger than before. For others, it could mean the death of the relationship.

However it goes, the emotional impact infidelity does to the person who is the victim of it will have the same intensity as everyone else. The only difference will be the way this victim will handle and cope with it. Typically, it takes about two to four years for a person to completely get over the emotional impact of being cheated on, but again this will differ from person to person.

A good support system can help you in coping with a situation like this better. Having a good therapist can also be of great value. Things like these can help you move things faster than if you were to handle everything by yourself.

Just remember to be strong, to take things one day at a time, and you will feel normal again.

Posted in Infidelity Pain, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Infidelity Reasons: Knowing Why He/She Cheated

Posted on January 20, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Is it Important to Know the Infidelity Reasons and Why My Partner Cheated?

A lot of the people have asked this question, and the answer is always the same: Yes. Why? Because knowing the infidelity reasons or factors behind one’s decision to be unfaithful to his or her spouse is a key to finding a solution in the problem.

For the more than two decades that Dr. Huizenga has worked with people who are going through problems with infidelity, he has come up with seven different kinds of affairs that stem from different reasons.

Infidelity Reasons: A Need to Prove Desirability

One of which, and the most common, is a need to prove his or her desirability. Your partner may use the “horrible marriage” as an excuse to seek the kind of attention he or she claims they are not getting from you. Another one is because he is confused or afraid of being intimate – either in general or in the way that you want to be – and he sees this as something that is wrong with him.

Infidelity Reasons: A Sense of Entitlement

Maybe your partner sees himself as a “great catch,” and feels entitled to be with someone else who is a “great catch” as well. Or he could just be after the feeling one gets when he has found and is discovering a new love – the excitement, the drama, the thrill.

Whatever the infidelity reasons may be, knowing the specifics will be a great tool for you to planning the best approach in handling a situation like that.

Posted in Infidelity Reasons, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

Signs of a Cheating Spouse: What to Watch For in Your Partner

Posted on January 13, 2012 by katiereck

Studies have shown a growth in the number of people engaged in extramarital affairs, both in men and women. About 80% of individuals have indulged in an affair at some point in their marriage. This may seem like a high number, but there are many cases in which the infidelity in the relationship was never discovered.

You should be aware that there could be someone close to you who has, at one point or another, engaged in an affair. And the probability of someone being involved in an affair the future is extremely high.

You won’t always know or notice when these people – a friend, relative, or even your own partner – are being unfaithful, but there are some telltale signs that you can identify to help you when you suspect someone of having an affair.

The most common sign is a change in habits and behaviors. Something he or she does that is completely routine in his or her daily life could suddenly stop or be ignored for no obvious reason. You might also notice a sudden lack of interest in you – the partner – as well as decreased motivation to do activities that you would normally to do together.

Confronting your partner with your observations is usually the best thing to do, depending on the type of affair and the current state of your marriage and ability to communicate.

Obviously, changes in your partner don’t necessarily mean that he or she is cheating (we are always growing and changing), it is best to address the issue in order to start open and honest dialogue with your spouse. If it does turn out to be an affair, you can move on to discussing what it will mean for your relationship and your future.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Signs of Infidelity, Trust Building | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

Drawing the Line on Internet Cheating?

Posted on September 14, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

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Where does one draw the line or cross the line of internet cheating or infidelity. Explore what readers have to say:

Why is there so much porn out there! I consider myself to be a very liberal person, but my goodness! My husband has been living a double life our whole marriage.
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Initially, the fantasy and the pleasure of it feels good. It’s cheap, free, readily available 24/7, and you don’t need to dress up. The fantasy is more enjoyable than reality, and one thing may lead to another.
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I suppose I have a hard time imagining a predator type relationship between a person “looking” for a date online. I know this is the situation w/ my husband. He has continued to search for MY old girl friends, acquaintances and has indeed begun dating several of them. Because they may not live in the same town, many are unaware of his actions. I have a hard time understanding a sexual predator and their usage of the internet.
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The emotional scares of knowing your spouse was more intimate and shared financial information with the so called “friend”…My husband kept telling me she is only a “friend” and nothing is going on…lies! All lies….I was so trusting his freedom he had from me…
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How do you tell the difference between honest, innocent communication or “facebooking” and precursory or actual infidelity?
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I found you because I am a victim of internet cheating, so most of your material hasn’t been that helpful. I’m very excited you are going to research this area. My thoughts are: how frequently it could be happening again, and without my knowledge. For me, I believe my bf has run off the rails during our relationship because for 3 years prior, internet chat rooms and dating sites was the only way he interacted with women. He became addicted to this behavior and whenever we were having off times, he reverted back to old ways. How can I trust now that he won’t again. He promises faithfully he learned his lesson (we broke up for a month) and will never do it again. If its been addictive behavior, I’m not sure that it’s going to be that easy.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity and Intimacy, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Internet Cheating, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , , | 4 Comments

Internet Fantasies and Cheating

Posted on September 12, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

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More comments from readers. Note the pain and ambivalence in the last reader.

The fantasy of it all, and the ease with which one can “pretend” to be anyone at all without face to face contact or daily interactions as in a normal relationship. So does the internet cheater truly fall in love with their online cheater? Or is it the fantasy and the ease of sustaining it via the internet that causes the emotional infidelity?
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After it has occurred and evolved into my wife leaving and beginning a relationship with her boyfriend of 23 years ago – what can I do to get her back?
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Firstly, I want to say that this email of yours is very pertinent to me! My husband was contacted by an ‘old girlfriend’ on Facebook! …… and it went from there! My concern is that Facebook appears to be emerging as a particularly insidious mode of communication. It would appear that insecure or vulnerable people are ‘picked off’ or allow themselves to be sucked in because this is, in the beginning a reasonably easy way to get to know someone without the face to face awkwardness that goes with actually meeting someone. One can act out one’s fantasies on line and have the opportunity to sever communication without complications if one chooses to do so. No wonder the fantasies often end up going further into the “How far can I take this?” scenario.
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My life was controlled by my mother,she chose who my friends would be, including male friends. I always listened and never disobeyed. Because of this control, I never was allowed to chose for myself. I eventually married (her choice, not mine) I loved my children and was a good mother, but my husband and I did not get along that well. My children have left the nest and now I am lonely. I wanted to have someone to chat with or e-mail. I was approached online with a man from another country, who also wanted a pen pal only. We both agreed we would not cross any boundaries, that were not appropriate. Everything, was fine for a while. Then he mentioned that he had feelings for me, but that we would never ever meet each other. I should have paid attention to the doubts that were beginning to form, but I dismissed them. He was praising me with compliments, that I never received from my husband. He was married also and educated more than I. I was flattered by his attention. But toward the end, he wanted a cyber affair with me. I refused his offer. I was very hurt because he thought I would actually consent to his wishes. I was starting to care for him very much. Beware of wolves in sheeps clothing.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Internet Cheating, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , , | 3 Comments

Social Media and Cheating

Posted on September 10, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

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When is the line crossed in social media whereby infidelity or an affair begins? Please read comments from readers and leave a comment.

What are they saying about current spouse to others? What is marriage coming to because of easy access to opposite sex. Why get or stay married if it’s all based on lies? Why don’t they make up sites to spy on cheaters? Why not make a website that would allow people to pay for private investigation services. This would expose the truth about what is going on online social networks.
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I think that my husband is on the look out for soemone better out there. I found out he has been involved w/ dating sites in secret since about 2005. I had no idea. He was very good at lying and keeping secrets. It makes me feel that I cannot compete w/ every woman in the area and that he does not love me. An affair eventually started w/ a work mate. They made sites and had each other as friends and the sites were secure so no one else could see. It was purely for the IM experience. Then they got I-phones for Christmas and the sextexting began and soon a sexual relationship that went on for over a year before I found out.
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I know! My husband got involved with his highschool sweetheart-through the classmate site. She emailed him through this site. She was going through a divorce and wanted to see what my husband was doing. As you stated-it started with emails back and forth, then to phone calls (cell phones make this easier too)-to eventually seeing one another. What do I think about it? It is alot easier with internet to reconnect with old loves. Before this happened-I never gave it a thought.
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If your spouse NEVER contacts anyone, yet creates a slightly exaggerated online profile–that identifies himself as “single”– and receives “available singles” bulletins in his inbox from that site, IS IT CHEATING? (I say yes and that is why we are in trouble. He has taken a professionally-proctored lie detector test and I had an expert forensic computer examine his computer to verify that he has never done more than this.)

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity and Intimacy, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Internet Cheating, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Discovering Internet Infidelity

Posted on September 8, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

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More responses from the survey. Leave your comments below, please.

My wife has had an ongoing affair that fits the profile of “immature relationship – unfinished business” with a guy she met at a party who “friend-ed” her on Facebook. This forum allows her to communicate with him in a manner that allows her to keep her married life separate from her fling. I think she does this because, when faced with my finding the data (she seems to think that computers are magic, and I’m an electrical engineer) and evidence of her interactions, feels guilty.
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When I think of internet cheating, I often think of my ex-husband. He proceeded in this for several years. Each time he got caught, he said “never again”. But the minute I let my guard down, he was at it again. It was very easy to catch him, as he sometimes left his email open to that exact email for the world to see. It was almost like he was wanting to get caught.
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How can he say he is happy with me but actively pursue someone online? How can he expect me to trust him after he has cheated online ? Why does he not understand that porn is cheating too?
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Why if you have your wife/husband in the flesh do you live with sexual immorality in a fantasy world then to commit it in reality – only later to be shocked by the consequences of the hurt that adultery and the effects of this addiction causes. Internet cheating IS a form of adultery, shameful and wrong and the fact that is hidden shows it’s an addiction and we know that deception is the driving force of addiction so there are very real issues involved with very real consequences. Thank you for this survey. God bless.
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Is there a way I can find evidence of his cheating? I see many occasions when he has clicked onto the chat site (web history), but do not have any evidence of his filling in his details and communicating with the women. He is a compulsive liar, but I do not like to accuse in case – just this once – he is actually telling the truth.

Posted in Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity and Intimacy, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Internet Cheating, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment