Online Cheating Questions

Posted on September 6, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

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My survey stirred a great response with many questions. Feel free to leave comments below to some of these questions:

I believe that any effort to rekindle old “friendships” or forget new ones online (as by any other means) should be shared, at least in so far to divulge it is happening, with a “significant other” — whether married or not. What say you?
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My husband and I are recovering from his internet cheating. He claims that he would never have started his online fling with an old school classmate if things were not already bad in our marriage. I wonder if he had not met this woman online, would he have eventually spoken to me about the issues in our marriage? I found out by figuring out his password and going in to his Facebook account. At first he said I was invading his privacy. Eventually, he befriended the woman and severed all contact with her, but still communicates with other former classmates. Should I be concerned that the pattern will repeat, or can I trust that now that he and I are communicating and working on our relationship, this will not happen again?
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How do you tell the difference between- “just friends” and something more? What should be the normal “internet” boundaries for someone in a committed relationship? Is it okay to check your spouse’s email, internet history, etc? Should committed couples share internet passwords? Does the other person ever understand the damage they cause? What if the other person tries to make friends with the uninvolved spouse?
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FINALLY!!!! There is NOTHING OUT there that deals with this!!!! That’s where we’ve been for 10+ years! I’ve noticed that my husband can’t make a commitment to anyone in person, men or women, me included, but online, whoa…look out he’s there for everybody!
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My husband found his mistress on an online dating site. when he left me (separated but still not divorced) I hooked up with a guy from online too (via Facebook). It’s too easy to feel like it isn’t really cheating because that person isn’t sitting there next to you, but it’s a short step to moving things to the real world and then developing an attachment that is very hard to break with that person. My husband is still struggling to let go of his mistress.

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Internet Cheating Comments and Stories

Posted on September 4, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

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Many of my readers responded to a survey on internet cheating with questions. Please note:

My husband had 3 affairs that way with internet, email sex and 3 others looking for men for his virginal trust with another man…I have no questions only answers to yours…I have become an expert at internet cheating on and off the web.

“Going back” through Facebook maybe subtly motivated to redo the pain and loss of that period in life. Why would someone do that. What is the underlying reason when you kinda know that you can’t go back and change anything. Everyone is a piece of your past and help in creating who you are. When I think about internet cheating, I basically think of having a cyber relationship with the opposite sex that is more than the occasional how are you. Flirting, sending drinks, pokes, gifts etc… I think when you really look forward to talking to that person than it’s a problem. I see a friend doing it now. You get hooked. As far as friends, it’s great seeing old classmates.

Are their blockers to stop the cheater from logging on and ways to track where they go and who they talk to? How can we as the betrayed spouse help our cheaters to detox from the effects of an online affair?

My husband conducted an affair partially over the internet. He was seeing and emailing a coworker. This ended with his asking for a divorce, leaving and then returning to attempt to repair our marriage. I have always respected his privacy and individuality to find it was a mistake. About six months ago he was contacted by an old high school girlfriend on Facebook. At first I continued to be naive. I saw no harm in old friends seeking each other out now that it is so much easier. Then I became aware that this had been an intense sexual relationship. A fact he had not initially disclosed. It was then that I realized that he stills harbors the potential to stray into this seductive zone. I believe he has since given me all the facts and he has limited his Facebook account to only family. We are 50 something and I still struggle with the ease at which these infidelities can be hidden. I fear for the younger generation in earlier stages of marriages etc. We had been together 24 years when all this began.

How similar is this to having a relationship with someone through text messaging. My husband and the other woman sent thousands of text messages to each other, but did not have a relationship on the internet. Their relationship was texting.

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Stories, Questions and Concerns Regarding Internet Infidelity

Posted on September 2, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

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Here are more questions and concerns from readers about internet cheating and infidelity. I’d appreciate your comments and opinions regarding the following scenarios (or your own scenario involving internet cheating). How would you answer these questions? Have you experienced internet infidelity? If so, how did you handle it? How do you feel about the internet, social networking and trust?

Facebook affair w/ old high school fling is exactly what my wife did. She was hooked before she knew what hit her. Her emotional affair eventually led to a physical affair even when I was aware of the emotional affair and attempting to save the marriage. We have been together 20 years, have 4 kids and both work full time. It has ruined our family. We are trying to reconcile but it’s been a month and I know she has stronger feelings for him than me (although I know it’s not real love). My question is: is there anything I can do to help her get over her feelings for the OP?
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I had an affair that started with an email from a first love in high school. 40 years later I met up with him and it was a pure hell experience. Wish I had seen that website that warns these kind of hookups are very unwise if married. We both were.
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My wife seems to have a compulsion for talking to guys while playing games. It always starts friendly then she ends up “falling in love.”
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What is an appropriate way to keep up with old friends from high school and college without creating a risky situation? How can my spouse and I communicate about internet usage to create a climate of trust? How can we be accountable to each other in using the internet?
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It’s desperate, mean, hateful, and cruel. Not only is the cheating spouse trying to hook up with someone sexually or other, but they are lying about everything and deceiving more people. Such insecure and childish behavior angers me.
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Why do we turn a “blind eye” to the obvious? I saw the Skype icon on my wife’s computer and didn’t even bother to check out what Skype was.

Please leave your comments and feedback below…

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The Power of Internet Cheating

Posted on August 31, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

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Internet “cheating” is rampant. The tools are many and varied. The results are sometimes sad. I asked my readers to comment on their experience with internet cheating. Here are just a few of the responses:

My marriage fell victim to internet cheating. I think internet cheating is an easy way. You can say, be and do anything you want, your hiding yourself from the outside world, perhaps people who do it use it as a safety net. They can find someone that they click with and lay the groundwork for another relationship just in case the one they are supposed to be committed to doesn’t work out.
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My wife started her affair via text messaging with a co worker. Then it moved to Facebook and email. Now it is a full physical affair and we are getting divorced. I monitored the affair through his and her texts and computer logger to know the truth. Took about 8 months to collapse our marriage.
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How will I ever get over my husband’s internet cheating and how can I ever trust him again when he tells me it is over?
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My husband used Classmates.com to look up high school friends, then called them to locate his old HS sweetheart. Hundreds of texts, hours of conversations in less than a month lead to them meeting in person – all of which was denied. Took him almost 2 yrs before admitting what he did was wrong (his 1st affair was 10 yrs before & found he’d been in email contact with her all those years too). He thinks because sex wasn’t involved (it was only kissing and touching) that it wasn’t the same. How can he lie to himself like that? He knew it was wrong or else I’d been part of the process (I’d suggested he contact her for years since there was a possibility they had a daughter together & supposedly he found out she wasn’t his child). This lead to all other problems (he left our joint business with less than 24 hrs notice & took a job with one of our major clients – he worked there 2 yrs & was just laid off from there 6 months ago). So now after 4+ years, of evasion, avoidance, and blaming me (I was depressed for a while before his affair cause he’d withdrawn so much & I was at my wits end), I’m just not sure why I’m bothering to accept his behavior. If I followed his lead, we would never talk about anything important and I should just accept everything at face value and just move on as if nothing is wrong. I guess I just don’t understand his behavior.
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My partner thinks it “doesn’t mean anything” …..to me it is as bad as physically cheating because it is in his mind. He is addicted to it – at one point he had 107 different women he was communicating with – telling each the same story – I tried to “handle” it but in the end it was best for my mental health to walk away. The stuff on the internet has allowed many who would have never strayed before to test the waters and ruin many good relationships. I just think there aren’t that many “strong willed” people anymore who can be satisfied with one monogamous relationship. Sad to say. But I am happier now as I don’t have to always be “wondering”.

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How Do I Stop Obsessing About the Lies?

Posted on August 26, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga



Someone asked about obsessive thinking in my webinar. The transcription of my answer is below:

Man:  I keep having to deal with obsessive thinking about the affair. Lies make you go around and around in your head. What do I do?

My Response: You keep going back to the past and thinking about the lies that were told, thinking about the situations that were less than honest. In some level, you’re trying to discern the truth. That’s what I’m reading into this, maybe that’s not accurate. But it’s not obsessive thinking in a negative way, because what you want is to know the truth.

When you go back to situations in the past, where you were lied to, for example, a person is going back and saying, “You know, back then it felt really kind of strange, where I had this kind of sense that something wasn’t quite right, but I didn’t say anything or I didn’t do anything.”

Your intuition at that particular time was picking up on the lie, but another part of you denied it. What you want to do now is to go back and you want to affirm yourself and say to yourself, “I was right on target. A part of me was right on target even though I didn’t want to know it, even though I didn’t want to face it.”

So, if you begin to break yourself into those kinds of parts, the part that is thinking about something over and over and over again really is trying to work on something, trying to make sense of something, trying to heal you in some way. So, it’s not all bad, it just takes a lot of time and, often, a lot of energy.

So, if you have obsessive thinking, just take some time and say, “What in the world am I thinking about?” and then ask yourself this question: “What does it mean to me that I’m thinking about this?”

What most people discover is: what it means to you is that you have bumped into a part of you that doesn’t feel very good. So, “I bumped into a part of me that began to question myself, when I began to feel that my husband or my wife was slipping away from me or was lying to me.”

So, asking that question, “What does this mean to me?” often brings up some of our own deep seated negative thoughts or negative feelings about ourselves. Then, you can begin addressing those questions or those feelings and saying, “That’s not really true,” and you can begin to put some reality on who you really are.

Then, often, this helps eliminate or greatly reduce much of the obsessiveness, or the mind that keeps working, working, working, even when you’re sleeping.

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To Stay or Go?

Posted on August 25, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

A person asked this question in my webinar:

Shall I go or stay when my husband is still with the other woman and is planning to meet her again?

Here’s my response:

I’m not sure it’s an issue of “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s more a question of “What’s going to be my strategy? What am I going to say? What type of affair is it?” For example, if a person says “I fell out of love with you, I’m in love with someone else, and I’m going to continue this relationship,” you may be looking at Affair #4: I fell out of love…and just love being in love. First of all, you need to know that that relationship is temporary. It’s not going to last forever.

One strategy is to back off and let that relationship die if you have the personal power to be able to do that. The other strategy is to be able to contextualize and say to this person “Where are you headed? You realize that this is probably temporary? Most people who are in this type of affair do realize that those type of feelings, that type of being “in love” is temporary and a part of them knows that.

So you can begin contextualizing or beginning to put the affair in the framework of “This is not going to work and you know it. What’s going to happen when everything falls apart for you? You may end up with nothing. And what is that going to be like for you?” So it’s confrontive contextualization of the circumstances of that relationship.

So saying “Should I stay or go?” is probably a question that a person is probably not ready to answer at this point in time. You first of all need to identify the type of affair, explore different strategies that you would use, evaluate the outcome, evaluate the responses and along the line it will begin sinking that this is either going to work or this is not going to work.

And so it’s a process. Again I say it takes six to eighteen months to work through this if you can use some of these techniques and if you don’t, if you just kind of flail at it it’s going to take a lot longer. Infidelity is very, very complex, very, very complicated and so it’s not a simple question of “Should I stay or should I go?” It’s much more involved and if you care about your husband, you care about yourself, you care about your family, you’re going to be asking a lot of difficult questions. It’s not going to be easy but in the long run it’s going to be the best route for you to take.

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Can I Trust Again? Or…Too Much Damage?

Posted on August 23, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

This is part 2 of my transcript on trust with Nat.

Her second question relates to the amount of damage and her capacity to trust and rebuild.

Nat:  Part of that is, is there is a point when there’s been so much damage done that after I found out about this and with him continuing to flirt with other women, I would get so upset about the flirting even if it was innocent. Where I kind of got to the point, where I thought, there’s been so much damage done that I’m just not going to be able to trust him again, because he has this need to interact with these other women. Or is that something that we could work on?

Bob:  OK. You have decided that you can’t trust him, is that correct?

Nat:  Yes.

Bob:  90 percent of you has decided that you can’t trust him.

Nat:  Yes.

Bob:  85 percent of you says I’m out of here. Is that correct?

Nat:  Right. That’s about right.

Bob:  OK. You have made a decision. Also, please know that these decisions are never a 100 percent. There will always be doubts and you’ll always question your decision probably at some level. Maybe 10, 15 percent of the time.

Nat:  Right.

Bob:  Is that helpful?

Nat:  Yes. I think so.

Bob:  Are you sure? OK, what else is going on here for you?

Nat:  Well, I guess my question was, can a person get past these feelings and trust somebody after so much damage has been done. I know the answer is yes, but it seems like too much of a hurdle.

Bob:  You’re asking a great question, and there’s no concrete answer for that. Rebuilding trust is difficult, and it doesn’t happen quickly. I say that trust is a function of time and predictability. In other words, he needs to be predictable over a period of time for you to feel like you can trust him. And it sounds like that’s not happening. Correct?

Nat:  Right.

Bob:  And rebuilding trust, I’m working hard at generating some new material on this and they’ll be coming out probably in the next six months. But you’re not alone in this. There are a high number of people who go through infidelity and the big question is, will I ever be able to trust him or her again? Or will I ever be able to trust myself again? Maybe that’s the primary question. I’ve been hurt here and can I ever entrust myself to someone else. That’s also another chunk of this.

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Trust Building: Once a Cheater always a Cheater?

Posted on August 22, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

I provide webinars for those who read “Break Free From the Affair,” and sometimes record the session.

I want to share with you a transcript that answers a frequent question; once a cheater, always a cheater? and a closely related concern; can I trust?

Please know I do not take a great deal of time to edit the transcripts. They read pretty much how the conversation took place.

Here’s part 1 of a conversation that centers around trust.

Bob: What’s your question or comment, Nat?

Nat: Well, I don’t know how this relates to everybody else but I actually was not married in my situation. We were in a, what I thought, was a committed relationship. And discovered that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. And went through the process of trying to work it out, we did quite a bit of therapy there through the end. And I discovered your materials, I kind of wish I had discovered it earlier. But it seems the materials were focused on working on the relationship and always trying to stay together. And in my case, my boyfriend claimed he was sorry and he wasn’t going to do it again. And he was exhibiting behaviors to the opposite where he was still flirting with other women. I was always just up in his activities, and he is really high need. I guess he would be a “don’t want to say no,” kind of guy, where he just really needs attention from lots of different women. And that attention spilled over into sex, and things like that. So at what point do you actually decide to end this relationship? Maybe I’m questioning that a little bit or struggling with that. At what point do you say, you know because it’s different, because we weren’t married. Maybe this relationship isn’t worth saving. And/or is it really up to the other person, if you had a person, a “don’t want to say no.” Maybe that type of person just isn’t going to change. And that point, maybe married or not, it’s just not going to work. Does that make sense?

Bob: So when do you draw the line? That’s the question you’re asking.

Nat: Right. I don’t know, is there a personality that… Sorry we’re talking over time. You know, is there a personality that just is not ever going to change? He’s just a cheater. He’s going to keep cheating.

Bob: Here’s a distinction you can make.

I hear you saying two things.

Number one, he doesn’t want to say no. Someone in that category tends to be self indulged and rather narcissistic. They also don’t believe that they are doing anything wrong. Or they may believe they’re entitled. So someone who falls strictly into that category often continues to cheat. And your decision at that point is, what do I do with that?

Is the cheating something that I can live with, and many, many people do live with that kind of cheating? They close their eyes because often the person who cheats is very outgoing, friendly, often successful person with side benefits. So, I know a number of people who’ll decide to stay in that kind of relationship, because the perks are seemingly worth it.

Yeah, you sacrifice other things but that’s a decision you must make if you’re going to live with someone who doesn’t want to say no.

They’re probably not going to stop, unless they bump into extreme failure. At that point, they often exhibit strong remorseful feelings. They may change their behavior (at least temporarily) if there are extreme consequences to their behavior.

We’re talking here about affair #3, “I Don’t Want to Say No.” One strategy is to “consequence them;” to get them to realize that what they’re doing has consequences. Often their thinking does not include the concept of consequences.

You also said he needs a lot of attention, which throws different light on this situation. Here you’re talking about extreme needs. If so, it is important for him to identify his personal need system. Personal neediness frequently underlies affair #4: “I Fell out of Love, and just love being in love.” Unless he examines his personal need system he will continue to recycle his neediness.

It may be obvious to you that he has no desire to change. He’s just going to continue doing what he’s doing, at that point, you ask yourself, Am I in or am I out?

There is More for you…

This is a very brief and cursory discussion of possible ways to identify the type of affair. And, in identifying the type of affair, take specific action which speaks to that type of affair.

Knowing and pinpointing the 7 types of affairs helps you…

  • Feel a sense of personal power. You create a purposeful plan and in so doing move out of the victim role. You now begin to feel your personal power in addressing the painful situation.
  • See the hidden meaning. An affair is more than affair. An affair is the tip of the iceberg, under which lies a lifetime of painful self-defeating patterns. Identifying the patterns places the responsibility where it belongs – on the cheating spouse.
  • Build your knowledge brain cells regarding infidelity.
  • More knowledge = More Power.
  • More Power = More Options.
  • More Options = Feeling Better.
  • Feeling Better = Success.

Do this now…

Grab your copy of the “7 Types of Affairs Cheat Sheet.” It’s FREE!
The cheat sheet will introduce you to the 7 Types of affairs. A new world will open for you.

Click this button…

Don’t wait any longer.

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Traditional Self Help is Limited – Part 3

Posted on July 1, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Here are some responses from my readers to the list I posted previously about self help strategies (I listed 8) being limited:

  1. I think many people, me included, know that all that lovey-dovey crap isn’t going to help them through the critical points. If we can’t make it work from day to day, taking a ‘romantic’ vacation ain’t gonna work either.
  2. I agree with you that most of these items are only temporary fixes at best and some don’t work at all. I can say I have tried most of them in my 25 year relationship and though some helped a little, it didn’t last.
  3. It seems easier but it is not in real life. When you really try to follow this advice, it looks artificial, false. You become more a performer, and at the end, the frustration for lack of results is even bigger. You end feeling ridiculous.
  4. Been there done that…. I started with most of these points. I like the comment about needy. We did the dating…. Correct! The elephant was still in the room. It’s amazing to me that even though every situation is different, our emotions and actions all seem to be the same.
  5. After trying most of the items on the list over the past year, I feel that these have not cured my devastating pain and anger nor have they helped with rebuilding love, respect, and trust I had previous to his affair. Romantic vacations and get-aways brought out increased anger and pain, as they were in hotel settings, which made me think about the sex shared by my husband and his mistress and further alienated me from him. Intimacy is a REAL problem for me.
  6. These are the things you often hear you should do to fix your marriage. But you are right – they don’t help. The problem is that if the other one is not willing, there is not much you can do. But sure – going out regularly with your partner may prevent the problems but does not necessarily help when you have hit the rock bottom and there is the elephant in the room that no one really knows what to do about. Also – there can be the problem that I am experiencing that the other one is in a hurry of just leaving the scene because he sees everything so hopeless (and is in love with someone else = quick fix!)
  7. Everyone says to spend more time together after an emotional affair and go out on dates and talk and talk. But you’re right that big fat elephant of the affair always goes with you wherever you go. There is no getting away from it. You can talk and talk and still not get any issues resolved. It’s emotionally exhausting with no or little improvement. I just wish the cheating spouse knew the depth of pain this caused for the other spouse and just maybe these types of emotional affairs would not happen. No one deserves to be in this deep of pain.
  8. I completely agree with your comments to the “tried and true” common advice. I especially agree with what you say about date nights etc. being overrated and feeling forced and how that makes you feel like a failure when, as a couple, it just doesn’t work.

Recovering from an affair is difficult but you will be fine with the right infidelity help.

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Speaking your “Voice” to Your Spouse – Part 2

Posted on June 28, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Here are some more key points about using your personal power and speaking your voice to your spouse:

You need not be loud and when you speak your voice. A quiet, calm, yet coming from within you voice, holds the most power. You speak quietly and others listen.

You become more attractive as you cultivate and grow your voice.

You respect yourself more and others respect you more as you grow your voice. You are disregarded and ignored when you approach with negativity and reactivity.

Having a voice and personal power means you clearly state what you value for yourself and your relationships.

Having a voice and personal power means you clearly state your standards and what you expect from self, others and life.

Having a voice and personal power means you firmly state your boundaries that protect you and those you love.

You exude personal power when it is obvious you have a vision for your life, your family, your career and that which you value.

You continually and persistently become more and more aware of the purpose for your life and disclose that purpose to those you love.

Your voice is your power. Your voice is YOU. Your voice is what makes you exceedingly attractive.

Seeking good affair help is the answer to coping with infidelity.

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