Building a Love You Can Trust: 3 Key Points about Distinctions

Posted on May 25, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

I emphasize the power of making distinctions as you build a love you can trust. Making distinctions is the process of understanding, of peeling back the layers of the onion to see what’s beneath.

Love is not an end process. Love continues. Love builds stronger and stronger over time. Love is coming to know the other in deeper and more profound, exciting and happy ways.

Here are 3 key points about distinctions:

1. Almost every list that you will encounter in my materials is a list of distinctions. I take a concept and break it down into its distinctive component parts. You will begin to see yourself more fully. You will begin to view your spouse more fully.

2. New worlds and new ways of thinking will be opened to you. Your world will never be the same. You will see shades of meanings rather than black and white thinking. You will come to appreciate your richness and the richness of your spouse as well as other important people around you.

3. You will experience more of your personal power. You will have more options available to you than ever before in relating to yourself and significant other. As you feel this personal power you will more and more the control you can exercise in your life. This will remove you from the lack of control and personal power you experience when you are stuck in the negativity and reactivity.

Every profession and career focuses on the ability to make finer and finer distinctions. The more distinctions one can make in his/her field, the more competent, the more successful and usually the wealthier that person. The medical doctor sees not merely an arm, but a vastly complicated system of vessels, tissues, bones and is aware of the interaction of those parts. It sometimes amazes me that we encourage and spend thousands of dollars learning to make distinctions in a particular field of endeavor but shy away from that when it comes to relationships.

Check out another blog post I wrote on building love by making distinctions.

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8 More Communication Blunders That Absolutely Destroy Intimacy

Posted on May 10, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

1. You tell him/her what to do. “You must take a look at this issue.” “You must communicate more.” “You need intensive counseling.”

2. You elicit guilt. “You are hurting the children.” “You are hurting others around you.” “You should be ashamed of yourself.” “_________ people don’t do this.”

3. You give black and white ultimatums. Do this or do that. “Get help or get out.”

4. You speak for both of you. “Let’s get help for the marriage.” “Let’s recommit.” “Let’s work on it together.” “Let’s look past the past.” “I want us to create a strong marriage.”

5. You speak for him/her. “I know this is difficult for you.” “You think I’m trying to control you.” “I understand what it feels like for you.”

6. You abdicate responsibility. “You must tell me if you can do x, y or z, so I can decide what to do.” “You must commit to me so I can commit to you.”

7. You engage in Pollyanna talk. “I love you very much. We’ve always been best friends and we can work this out.”

8. Playing shrink with the other. “You are too caught up in your feelings.” “Your problems go way back to your mother.” “You must have an emotional block somewhere.”

Make note of these blocks. Observe yourself over time, especially when confronting strong feelings and intense thoughts in your relationship. Do you default to any of these blunders?

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Infidelity and Intimacy, Infidelity Coaching, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

8 Communication Blunders that Absolutely Destroy Intimacy

Posted on May 5, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

One in a relationship of emotional investment always pulls away more than the other. This is magnified in a marriage crisis when the one who pursues pulls out all known (to him/her) stops in yanking the other back.

More often than not, these communication blunders kill all hopes for true intimacy. The gap widens and the marriage dies another death.

Here are 8 common blunders that, although the intent may be positive, are commonly committed.

1. You hide your anger behind “why” questions. “Why didn’t you…” “Why is it so hard for you…” “Why couldn’t you…” “Why can’t you…” The tone is often of mild or intense frustration.

2. You believe that you’ve “said it all.” You emotionally walk away from intimacy. The resentment burns deeper and deeper and you almost self-righteously throw up your hands. In reality, no one EVER has “said it all.” There is ALWAYS more we can say and definitely different ways of saying it. Our personal blinders and narrowness lead us to say that “we’ve said it all.”

3. You must have feedback from him/her to decide x, y or z. You look for crumbs of information, hoping that such information will make your life easier. You wait, prod, push and wait for those magic words that will help you “move forward.”

4. You say, “I love you…BUT…” You convey your position of rightness and then continue to make disclaimers on that statement. Or, perhaps the ‘I love you’ statement is an attempt to control the conversation, hoping it will take away any sting that might come from his/her mouth.

5. You apologize for your behavior. You imply that the other will move closer once you express responsibility for his/her pain. In essence you say, “I’m sorry I’ve hurt you.” Are you truly that powerful that you can easily inflict emotional pain on another? Give that some thought.

6. You bully or intimidate. Stop this. Knock this off. Do this. Do that. Rather obvious, isn’t it that this approach won’t get you far.

7. You lump the two of you together. “We created this mess.” We can make it through this.” “I want us to understand how this happened.” “I want us to fix it.”

8. You mind read. “I know you are scared.” “I know you love me.” “I know you are tired of this.” “I know you are afraid to be alone.”

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Marriage Makeover Checklist: Dare to Be Honest

Posted on April 19, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Marriage Communication Checklist

I’ve created a new instrument for identifying the fears and barriers present during the initial attempts at communication for a couple trying to rebuild a torn marriage.

Even if your spouse is not in the picture, this exercise will enlighten and prepare you for future intimate relationships.

The exercise is called: Dare to Be Honest.

Below are some key points and instructions. Follow the link after the instructions to download the entire exercise.

Key Points:

1. This exercise helps you identify specific fears and barriers to engaging your spouse or significant other in a positive manner.

2. Begin to note and identify when and where your fears or blocks emerge in communication with your spouse.

3. Begin to make shifts and alter your fears, enabling you to communicate more powerfully with your spouse or significant other.

4. Share this exercise with your spouse if s/he is there and receptive.

5. Invite your spouse to disclose his/her fears and barriers that hinder honesty. Listen. Accept. Make no judgments.

Instructions:

Read through the list and check the top 5 blocks or fears that apply to you.

Note any patterns or consistent behaviors that block your communication.

Print a copy for your spouse or significant other.

Let him/her know you have completed the exercise and what you discovered about you.

Hand the copy to him/her and invite him/her to participate.

Click the link at the end of this exercise to fill out survey regarding usefulness of this exercise.

Go here to download and use the exercise:

http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/downloads/daretobehonest.pdf

And, please complete the survey at the end. I appreciate your wisdom!

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How Do I Get Him to Talk?

Posted on April 11, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Here is a 15 minute audio in which I and Cor move through the process of formulating a confrontation.

I assume, from her comments, she is facing an “I Can’t Say No” type of affair in which there are addictive tendencies.

It was important to help Cor formulate rather direct and powerful statements. I surmised that the addiction was in fairly early stages and that Cor had the internal strength and had a good ability to articulate her feelings, needs and thoughts.

For those reasons, I helped her formulate a powerful confrontation which most likely would change the flow of the relationship and open new doors for resolution.

Please leave a comment below.

If you are interested in coaching with me, check out my coaching packages at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/coach.htm

You may download the audio to your mp3 player by clicking this link: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/audcorwebinar.mp3

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Reasons, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Relationship Communication, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , , | 16 Comments

Marriage Problems and Infidelity: Are You A Chaser?

Posted on March 29, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

The overwhelming feelings of devastation created by infidelity or a marital crisis often leads one to start chasing or pursuing the spouse. One spouse pursues and the other spouse distances or runs.

The pursuer often believes that the distancer is a key to overcoming the painful feelings and so s/he pursues or tries to wiggle out of him/her whenever possible to alleviate some of the pain, confusion or other negative feelings.

Pursuing often follows the course of pleasing, being whom the pursuer heard the distancer always wanted, being more loving and romantic, using different forms of persuasion and so forth.

And, the pursuer is often unaware of that very process, those very tactics in essence, usually drive the distancer further away.

No marital healing, restoration or resolution can effectively take place if this imbalance is not acknowledged and addressed.

The pursuer and distancer must get to the bottom of the need to pursue and distance.

And, effective communication must take place around this topic.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Signs of Infidelity, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

Types of Affairs: Affair #1 – My Marriage Made Me Do It

Posted on March 25, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Here’s a question regarding types of affairs. This question specifically addresses affair type #1, or the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair:

Question: How do I handle it If they didn’t intentionally go out looking for someone, but found someone at a new job site while training? He kissed her twice, and supposedly texted her for the next six months. Is this affair number one (affair #1 is the My Marriage Made Me Do It type of affair, which is discussed in my ebook, Break Free From the Affair)? He says we have had a crummy marriage and that’s why he cheated.

Dr. Huizenga’s Answer: OK. That may be affair number one, and she flattered him. It could be number one. However, I need much more information. When I evaluate these, I ask a bunch of questions, but it does sound like a number one. Here are some additional questions I might ask regarding this type of affair: Is he angry? Does he blame others for his situation? Talk about flattery. Does he have low self esteem? Is he trying to prove his desirability, or is he a highly emotional kind of person who likes to feel the emotional highs? Those are all questions I would ask to kind of hone in, and pinpoint the type of affair. Again, there’s some overlap in these affairs. We can’t always fit everybody into one specific category. Many people fall into more than one category in terms of the type of affair in which they are involved.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Reasons, Q & A, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Signs of Infidelity, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

17 Conditions I Want That Will Create an Emotional Connection

Posted on March 21, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

create an emotional connection

Following are 17 conditions that should be met in order to create a strong, unbreakable, emotional connection with your spouse or lover.

1. I want to have respect, and not insult or speak sarcastically when I feel anger towards my spouse.

2. I want to express my anger truthfully and respectfully.

3. I want to act like an adult, not a child, when I’m upset.

4. I want to listen carefully to my partner’s point of view when we disagree.

5. I want to avoid pushing my spouse’s buttons.

6. I want to apologize if I’ve blown it.

7. I want to admit my mistakes and apologize for negative consequences.

8. I want to honor my spouse and not patronize.

9. I want us to resolve problems quickly and easily and learn from them.

10. I want to value my relationship more than my need to be right.

11. I want to do everything to contribute to our relationship success.

12. I want to trust my partner in doing his/her best to succeed.

13. I want to support and encourage my partner to reach his/her goals.

14. I want to find satisfaction in making his/her life easier and more enjoyable.

15. I want to be able to collaborate when it’s important, not compete.

16. I want to be comfortable with how our common interests fit.

17. I want to have a balance between being close and independent.

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22 Qualities That Create Emotional Connection in a Marriage

Posted on March 11, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Following is a list of qualities that create an emotional connection in a marriage or partnership:

1. I want to enjoy receiving pleasure from my spouse and easily communicate desires.

2. I want to accept and respect a “no” from my partner.

3. I want to communicate my personal needs around sex and have them understood.

4. I want to have sex be a choice, not a compulsion.

5. I want to feel great after an erotic time together.

6. I want to trust my partner more than anyone else.

7. I want to keep my word to my partner.

8. I want to be careful in what I promise and not set my partner up for disappointment.

9. I want to respect my partner’s friendship with attractive people.

10. I want to receive all the affection and touch I want from my partner.

11. I want to experience moments of tenderness, kindness and gentleness in our marriage.

12. I want to laugh at my humanness.

13. I want to lovingly tease my spouse.

14. I want to create time to be with children and close friends.

15. I want to have us surround ourselves with friends and family.

16. I want to have this marriage contribute to the lives of those around us.

17. I want to have my partner know me intimately.

18. I want to have this marriage be a place where we constantly grow, learn and evolve.

19. I want to face change and the unknown with my partner.

20. I want to get what I need and more within this relationship.

21. I want to be overwhelmed with gratitude and love and express it.

22. I want to give and receive great gifts from each other.

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Marriage Communication: Getting Your Spouse to Talk

Posted on March 7, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Here’s something I’m working on for my new ebook on how to get your reluctant spouse to work on something with you….

Your invitation might go something like this: “I’ve been doing much thinking about what I really want. I want to learn more about myself so I’m better able to get what I truly desire. Right now, I’m taking a long look at our relationship and what it offers or doesn’t offer, both for me and for you. I would like us to have an emotional connection that feels good and right, that fits, for both you and I. I truly hope that is possible, since a large part of me wants that to happen with you. Again, this is a path that I’m going to intentionally walk down for the next few weeks and months. I don’t know where it will take me, or us, but I’m fully committed to pursue what is best for me and I hope that which is best for us. I have this check list that gets at what a person truly desires in a relationship. I hope it helps me learn about myself in the context of a good relationship. And, I’m wondering if you would be interested in looking at it and perhaps at some point talking about it.”

Of course, put this in your own words. I hope this example gives a positive flavor to the invitation.

Please follow these guidelines and rules for sharing if both of you choose to particpate:

1. Accept and value what the other person checks as very important. Pay attention. Note.

2. Welcome differences, don’t be frightened by them or think you must be alike. Differences can add vitality to a marriage.

3. It might be wise to set a time limit to any sharing. Don’t allow the conversation to drag into the negative.

4. Never make a judgement about what your spouse checked.

5. Never use the word you in your conversation about the checklist or ask probing questions.

6. Comments like: Wow, that’s interesting, I didn’t know that, That’s new for me or Hmmmmm. may be appropriate.

7. View this exercise as a beginning point.

8. Focus on learning, not persuasion.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage | Tagged , , | 3 Comments