Your Lousy Marriage…Continued

Posted on March 2, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

A great many carry on, living a life of quiet desperation and emptiness, not knowing almost everyone they meet are experiencing the same reality with their marriage.

I hope knowing that you are not alone, in and of itself, relieves some of your pain or feeling that you are “weird.”

Also, I hope this knowledge does not generate an aura of hopelessness.

I believe marriages or relationships of mutual investment, as I like to call them, can be healthy and a source of immeasurable joy (note: I did NOT say happiness.) It is possible to achieve a lasting and satisfying emotional connection.

To attain that lasting and deeply satisfying emotional connection, in our western culture at least, a journey of relearning must take place. Also, as you move on this new path you will be aware of specific shifts you must make in your thinking and acting to redesign your marriage in accordance with beliefs and actions that bring that satisfaction and that connection.

more thoughts coming…

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Your Marriage is Lousy: Why that is Normal, and OK – For the Time Being

Posted on February 28, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Lousy MarriageI’m creating new material centered on creating an emotional connection. Here are some thoughts about why your marriage is lousy:

Your marriage is most likely a mess.

Why do I say that?

Well, because most marriages are.

The divorce rate has hovered around 50% for decades. Of the other 50%, how many couples (or one person or both in the marriage) do you suppose are THINKING about divorce? Of the remaining 50%, how many do you suppose choose, for a wide variety of reasons – economics, values, for the children, etc. – to stay in a messy marriage?

9 out of 10 couples in a study taken some time ago indicated they were “unhappy” in their marriage.

I’ve specialized in marital infidelity over the past decade and I estimate that up to 80% of couples experience one spouse or the other at some point in the marriage, emotionally or sexually straying in one form or another.

I want to drive this point home, since I’ve experienced in my clinical practice those who believe that if they have a marital problem or are “unhappy” with their marriage, something is wrong with them. They don’t measure up. Because the romance has faded they think the marriage or they as a person are doomed. They feel guilt and shame when they perceive family members or friends to have that “perfect” marriage. They are embarrassed and reluctanct to share their dissatisfaction with their marriage with others.

So, if you are unhappy or distraught in your marriage, you are NOT alone.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

Marriage Myths Dispelled: Part 2

Posted on February 25, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Marriage myths continued….Click here to read Part 1.

4. Loving someone is natural and should come easily. Behind this is the idea that one should be able to read the mind of another. What most mean by “loving” is having romantic, warm, sexual feelings of attraction. This powerful feeling often happens in the beginning of a relationship. Much of the attraction is physical (we are driven together to mate and procreate.) Some of the attraction is due perhaps to archetypes or images we have of the ideal. (At 14 I dreamt of marrying a brunette. I did when I was 23.) Or it may refer to our need to “merge” and be one with another. Love is a huge word – often inadequate to describe the complexity of what brings us together. And, love is not mind reading. This causes extreme marital stress when one believe s/he is so “special” that the other must be able to anticipate his/her thoughts and desires.

5. Marriage means I will lose my freedom. The jokes about the loss of freedom at the altar. Bachelor and bachelorette parties are one’s “last fling” so to speak. The ball and chain is put on, and will never be removed. Fun and games are over. Now life gets SERIOUS.

6. I have to get married. This may be going out of date, but in my college days, women went to college to get their Mrs. degree and men were to carve out a career with their new found partner. Or, I had to get married because the biological clock was ticking. Anyone single person over the age of 30 was at some level stigmatized. And, of course, there were the shotgun weddings when the couple was pregnant.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Marriage Myths Dispelled: Part 1

Posted on February 21, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Marriage myths:

1. You get married and live happily ever after. Not! The purpose of marriage is not to make you happy. The purpose of marriage is to provide a context in which the best of you unfolds over a long period of time – the rest of your life on this earth. Your partner is the catalyst for the emergence of the best of you – of the you you truly want to become. Now, there is some stress and strain, usually, at times, MUCH stress and strain in this process. The reasons for this will become clearer as we talk about the myths of marriage and the intent of marriage.

2. We must be compatible. What in the world does this mean? Do you have any idea? Does that mean you must think alike, have common hobbies, share similar interests? Does it mean you must share common personality characteristics? Or does that mean that you must “like” your spouse? Some couples who are “compatible” or very much alike become exceedingly bored with each other over time. Compatible sounds good (because most of us want to be “one” with another and get along – which may be a death knell for a marriage, by the way) but you probably don’t have a clue of what it means.

3. Men are from Mars. For most this means that men typically want to crawl into their cave and be left alone. No connection. No talking. Give me my beer, sports program, group of buddies and I’m fine. This is a cover up for men. It becomes a common way for them to emotionally protect themselves. Once you get to know a man, you will discover a part of him that wants to be deeply connected to another. This often emerges when the woman pulls too far away, and then it emerges often, in powerful ways. Many men walk around like an armored tank, but filled with marshmallows. Bottom line: your spouse wants some of the same things you want.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Infidelity Discovery: From Devastation to Optimism

Posted on February 8, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

The first moments, days and weeks after infidelity discovery can be some of the most trying times of one’s life. As your whole world seems to be crumbling around you, being optimistic can seem virtually impossible.

Follow this person’s story as they take you on their infidelity journey, from utter devastation to empowerment and optimism.

The first few weeks were extremely hard. I lost about twenty pounds in one month. I could not swallow my food. I had so much pain, agony and anxiety I felt like my chest was going to explode. I had to go to the doctor for Xanax to help me. Besides the heartache of the affair, I was getting evicted from our apartment. I sold all of our furniture and moved back in with my parents. They helped me with our three children because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I started to be out from work and fall behind in my job. All I was able to focus on was the thoughts of him being with her and how I was betrayed. My husband wanted nothing to do with me or the kids and told me he was going to marry this woman. I would call him crying almost every day and beg him to come home. My friends, family and co-workers who knew the situation really supported me. I started to talk to other people who have been in the same situation which really helped me because I knew I was not the only person in the world dealing with this pain. Then I found this website and read Break Free From the Affair. I started to follow your advice and back off. I stopped calling, begging and made a decision to move on or at least act like I did. Well, he started to call, and even would tell me that he missed me and still loved me. It’s been seven months and they have broken up. She is still looming around him but we have been spending a lot of time together. At one time this man that was so sure he wanted nothing to do with me and wanted a divorce is now saying things like “if we get back together.” Hopefully we will get back together but if we don’t, I know I will be ok. I look back at those first days and think about how far I have come.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Self Care, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , | 49 Comments

Break Free From the Infidelity Triangle

Posted on February 3, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

In an affair, if you pick apart your affair, and if you look closely at it, you will see roles that people play. One person will be the rescuer, another person will be the victim and the third person will be the persecutor. Your cheating spouse may appear to be a victim who is being rescued by someone else and you’re mad, you’re the persecutor. That’s the triangle. That needs to be broken.

Or, you could switch roles. Your cheating spouse is a rescuer who sees a victim and you’re the persecutor. Perhaps your cheating spouse is the persecutor who has chosen a victim and you want to be the rescuer.

You will notice that none of these roles here really work. You just find yourself going around and around in circles.

By charging neutral, stating your position, knowing how to act, knowing what your options are, knowing the distensions, and knowing different aspects of infidelity, you will gain the power to break free from this triangle.

And when you do, you will feel much, much different, guaranteed.

Posted in Charging Neutral, Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Relationship Communication, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , | Leave a comment

Infidelity Advice From a Survivor

Posted on January 31, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Following is advice from one of our readers who endured her husband’s extramarital affair, while remaining strong for her children and her. After a year and a half, her cheating husband finally opened up to her about his unfaithful behavior. These are inspiring words of wisdom from someone who’s been through the horrific and life altering experience of infidelity. If you are experiencing the pain of an affair, listen to what our reader has to say and perhaps you will find a moment of peace and hope.

Rely on friends, especially if you have a friend who has been through a similar experience. Follow your heart, even though you feel as if it has been destroyed. It took me a year and a half to finally get my husband to open up and discuss the affair and it was still limited. MOVE ON after you can finally start to put the pieces back together. Be the best parent you can to your children. They know when you are suffering through a crisis and try to keep the lifestyle at home as close to normal as possible. Don’t involve the children, just love them. Most of all, just keep on pushing through the pain-there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

 

Posted in Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Self Care, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , , | 7 Comments

Infidelity: Get Your Cheating Spouse to Notice Your Power by Charging Neutral

Posted on January 20, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

I believe that we don’t know much about infidelity, that the public doesn’t know much about infidelity and the more you know, the more distinctions you make. I try to make distinctions in the seven types of affairs. The more distinctions you make, the more you peel back the onion and discover what’s underneath it and then peel back another layer, and another layer. It gives you more options. It gives you more options to phrase different words. It gives you more options to try different behaviors and that equals your own sense of personal power. When you have your sense of personal power here, when you know that you can target something, rather than blast away, man, you are on a powerful road and other people around you, your cheating spouse included, will notice.

So what you want to do is act rather than react. Acting means stating your position. That’s what I do a lot in coaching. I help people state their position. I say, “What do you truly, really want to say to this other person, without referring to the other person?” In other words, “State your position.” That’s very powerful. You do that by charging neutral. Charging neutral is a general skill that I teach that’s good in all seven different kinds of relationships, all seven different types of affairs. Charging neutral destroys triangles, and affairs are really nothing but a triangle.

Posted in Charging Neutral, Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , | 17 Comments

Infidelity: How to Make it Through an Affair with Faith

Posted on January 18, 2011 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

The following real life infidelity story is from one of our readers, a father of four who endured the pain and misery of his wife’s affair after she met the other partner in a bar. After realizing he could not change his wife, he began to focus on looking within himself and relying on his faith in God to make it through. Read his story below:

My wife actually told me that she had met a guy in a bar and he had called her, but that was it. We were having marriage problems at the time and I just brushed it off. I later found out that it was more involved than that and found the cell phone bill. I was crushed, angry, and hurt. We have four children and I could not believe that she would do this to us. I found comfort in family and friends, but found myself wallowing in painful misery everyday re-living the hurt. My job was a mess and I couldn’t focus on anything. I went on the internet and read books. I confronted my wife and received empty promises. I went to church and started to study the Bible. I had a very influential person enter my life who got me to see that I could not change others but with patience and belief I would make it through. The battle was on and it became more a battle with myself than with control of the situation. These things take time…sometimes a long time but it becomes about you and that’s when good things start to happen. Nobody wants to be around weakness and in the end you will help your marriage by being strong. You just have to have faith that things are going to get better.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Self Care, Signs of Infidelity, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , | 5 Comments

Holiday Tip #14: Focus on a Personal Challenge

Posted on December 24, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

S

14. Focus on a personal challenge

Give yourself a challenge. What challenges have you put off because of the demands of family or the conflict in the marriage? Have you always thought of running? exercising? painting? sculpting? starting a business? redoing a room? getting a new job? It may be the beginning of a huge project or one small step.

Push yourself. Choose a challenge that will use your strengths and enhance your gifts.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Self Care, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , | Leave a comment