“I Need to Prove My Desirability” and Confronting the Other Person

Posted on December 3, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Affair number six is “I need to prove my desirability.” Again, this is usually someone who’s had a history of sexual abuse or sexual confusion, and they’re trying to sort it out somehow, in some way, through some type of an affair.

In other words, it’s a time in their life in which they, at one level, want some kind of healing, or some kind of change, to take place. And, the risk here, when you confront the other person, is that you may arrest or stop this healing process. And what it may do, is, it may intensify the old triggers of inadequacy related to their own sexual history. So, the confrontation may stir up something that they just quite can’t handle, and they’ll kind of back away, or retreat from, further help.

Now, the reward here is that, if you confront them by charging neutral, it may increase the potential for healing, in which the person kind of breaks down and says, “You know, I have a problem. I don’t feel worthy. I’m trying to prove my desirability, and it’s awful for me. I don’t know what I’m doing, but it is awful, and I need your help.”

Now, another reward here is that, you may have to protect, or it may be helpful for you to protect your cheating spouse from some kind of predator, some kind of sexual predator. And, again, it’s hard to know where to draw that line, but I’ve known of situations in which the cheating spouse was a victim of some predator who was using this person in awful ways. That’s something to be aware of, as well.

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Holiday Tip #3: Accept and Maximize How You Cope

Posted on December 2, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Tip #3 for dealing with the stress of marriage trouble during the holidays is to accept and maximize how you cope.

There are different ways of coping with the encountered pain and fear of life. Allow me to offer 3 general and different ways people cope with emotional trauma.

1. Some withdraw and avoid. They do not want to face the feelings and thoughts. They do not want to face others. And so, they retreat and withdraw. They find a cave and crawl into it.

2. Some work hard at socializing and gathering people around them. They want the interaction and input from others. The interaction and tendency to focus on the other provides an escape from the inner pain and fear.

3. Others throw themselves into challenges and activates (work, play, exercise, etc.) They burn up the adrenaline and feel as if they are accomplishing something at the same time.

We learn and adopt these patterns very early in life. And in some situations a pattern seems to work and serve us well. Knowing your pattern helps you establish a strategy during the Holiday Season.

If you tend to withdraw, find yourself a stack of self-help books and begin reading. Use the internet to do research on marital conflict. Take time to meditate, think and write. Go inside yourself (you know how to do this very well) to find the answers. (Yes, they are there!) Explore your inner world and listen to your wisdom.

If you enjoy socializing, contact close friends, share your needs and negotiate with them to be there for you through the Holiday Season. Let them know what you need. Talk. Talk. Talk. And in the talking you will discover the answers and your pain will be mitigated. Don’t be afraid to lean on others, but let them know what you are looking for. Find a good therapist or coach to be a helpful sounding board and confidence booster. Self help groups might be a source of comfort and strength.

If you are a doer, engage in an intentional problem solving modality. Define your problem, throw out the solutions, choose a solution and DO it. Then go back and evaluate how well it worked. List 2-3 activities that will help lessen your pain and wandering thoughts. Choose something that is particularly challenging since you most likely value challenge. Keep your blood stirred.

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“I Want to Get Back at Him/Her” and Confronting the Other Person

Posted on December 1, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Affair number five is “I want to get back at him or her.” The underlying theme here is one of resentment or anger. Usually, it means that the cheating spouse believes that his or her needs were not being met in the marriage, and they got angry about it, so they said, “I’m going to teach you. I’m going to go find somebody else to be with.”

Confronting this type of person may help get it, which means some of the anger or some of the frustration, out in the open. There may be more discussion, there may be more dialogue, and it may shift the focal point to the marriage, on the underlying resentment and hostility for needs not being met. I’ve seen that happen often, in this type of affair.

A risk is that there may be an intensification of the anger or the rage. It may up the level of anger, and the anger may turn into rage. Or, if it’s more quiet, you may increase the passive aggressive behavior. You’ll find yourself in situations where, the anger is subtle, but very, very pronounced. That’s a risk.

Let me talk here a little bit about pattern entrenchment. What we’re getting at here is that there are certain patterns that we have. Do you ever observe yourself going through patterns, or cycles, and at some point, saying, “Oh, I’ve been here before?” Or, “This is really familiar.” Or, “I know what he’s going to say before he says it, and I know how I’m going to respond to what he says, before, I just know what the patterns going to be.”

This is called pattern entrenchment. And when patterns are really entrenched, when they’re very, very solidified, they happen frequently, they’re intense, and people have a difficult time getting out of them, then you have more difficulty as a person who’s trying to generate influence or change, to change that pattern. So, it’s always helpful to look at how deeply this person is entrenched in their particular theme and pattern?

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Holiday Tip #2: There is No Shame in Getting Help

Posted on November 30, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

If you are going through a marital crisis during this Holiday Season, then you will want to pay attention to the tips I’m offering for coping during this difficult time.

Tip #2 focuses on getting help during the Holidays. There is no shame in getting help.

If you gave yourself an 9 or 10 (see tip #1) on intensity and it seems as if it never goes away and if you have found now way to move through it (can barely function, can’t get out of bed, can’t eat, can’t sleep, think of harming yourself, etc.) please consider external help during the Holiday Season.

You may want to contact your medical doctor for medication to see you through the Holiday Season. You may call a therapist and say, “I’m having a difficult coping, I want to see you a couple times a week during the Holidays, so I can manage to hold myself together.”

There is nothing wrong with temporarily leaning on something that will offer relief and give you a better chance of finding some joy in the season.

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“I Fell Out of Love” and Confronting the Other Person

Posted on November 29, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Affair number 4, “I Fell Out of Love and Just Love Being in Love.” This affair, I think, is really problematic in terms of confronting the other person and I think there are pretty good reasons for that. Confronting the other person provides juice for the affair couple, because the affair couple loves drama. They’re often drama queens or look for that emotional high. Confronting the other person may solidify and strengthen the affair relationship. Also, what may happen is the affair could have been and may have been rather quiet or subtle or in the background, but confronting the other person, your cheating spouse may become more overly critical of you and may begin comparing you to him or her in hurtful ways that the cheating spouse is oblivious to.

Interestingly enough, I interviewed Linda, whose husband, Doug, was involved in an emotional affair. And she decided that she would not confront the other person, which was really interesting.

I called her up, and I said, “Hey, Linda, I’m doing a webinar. Would you be willing to be on it with me, talking about your relationship?” I knew they were open to that. And, she said, “Well, I have some real strong opinions about that.” And I thought, “I wonder if it jives with what I’m coming up with?” And she said, “You know, I just decided not to confront the other person with the emotional affair.” And I thought, “Wow, that’s, that kind of fits with what I found out.”

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Holiday Tip #1: Examine Yourself

Posted on November 26, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Tip #1 for emotionally surviving the holidays in the midst of your marital crisis is to examine your self.

How bad is it?

It’s often helpful to have an idea of the extent of your pain. Once you know, you can monitor your pain as it ebbs and flows. This gives you, amazingly enough, a level of control over the pain and often a sense of relief – without the need to “do” anything.

Here’s a process that many professional therapists have integrated into their evaluation process.

1. What’s it like when you feel badly?

Every so often you return to a particular, familiar negative way of thinking and feelings that is the pain. Have you ever said to yourself, “Oh, here it is again. I’ve felt this way before. This is nothing new. Same old pit in the stomach (or wherever), same old thoughts that I can’t shake.”

Are you there now? Marital conflict will serve as a trigger for that feeling and those thoughts. Sound familiar?

Let’s be more specific. Where do you feel it in your body? Feelings are physiologically based, so if you pay attention to your body, you will be able to locate where that pain or tension is located. Pit in the stomach? Tight chest? Throbbing head? Stiff muscles? Sore back? Tight facial muscles? etc?

And, when you feel that pain or discomfort in your body, what negative thoughts are prevalent in your mind? What are you thinking? What negative thought keeps recycling to increase your pain and tension? What is the theme of your thoughts? Are your thoughts focused on your rage and what you want to say/do to him/her? Do you catastrophic about your future and what will happen to you? Of course, there are a myriad of other thoughts that can demand your energy and focus…and trigger your pain.

Now Let’s take the next step.

Here are three vital factors for getting to the bottom of your pain.

1. How intense is it? Measure this pain on a scale of 1-10, 10 being as bad as it can get. How would you rate it now? yesterday? the day before? Rate it on the 1-10 scale when it emerges.

2. How frequent is it? Does this pain visit you every week, every day, every hour? What are the triggers? What are the most powerful triggers? Does it ebb and flow or is it, at this point for you, in the midst of your marital conflict, a most prevalent feeling?

3. Can you find ways to move through and beyond it? Have you discovered actions or thoughts that will help you minimize, diminish and get rid of the pain?

Evaluate your pain now in terms of its intensity, frequency and your ability to move through it.

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“I Don’t Want to Say No” and Confronting the Other Person

Posted on November 26, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Affair number three is “I Don’t Want to Say No.” With someone who is involved in an “I don’t want to say no” affair, there is usually a low emotional investment in that relationship. We’re talking here about the theme of narcissism. Someone who is involved in an affair, who says, “I don’t want to say no” usually has some narcissistic tendencies, which means that they are entitled, they’ve worked so hard, they’ve done so many great things that they’re entitled to this type of affair. Again, the issue is not so much on developing a warm, intimate relationship as it is, just getting my needs met and having people serve me and be subservient to me.

Now, the risk you have here, if you confront your cheating spouse who’s involved in an “I don’t want to say no” affair, is that you may intensify the anger. Often, an narcissistic person will use anger to push people away. If that person is fairly well entrenched in their narcissism, it just may stir up the anger and you’re out of the picture.

The reward here is that in confronting the other person, you may find that you have a lot in common with the other person because the other person is being duped, as well. You may discover that your cheating spouse is telling the other person lies about you and telling you lies about the other person. By creating an alliance here with the other person, the cheating spouse is caught. That may be a catalyst for some type of change.

Again, confronting the other person with this knowledge, you may feel a sense of empowerment, because it’s very difficult often to feel a sense of power with a narcissistic person. This person, the narcissistic person, wants you to be powerless in his or her sight. To feel a little bit of power here, that you do have some influence, that you do have some control, that you are not subservient, can really help you move in a positive direction.

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Confronting the Other Person: “I Can’t Say No” Type of Affair

Posted on November 24, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Affair number two is “I can’t say ‘No’.” This type of affair often involves someone who has addictive traits. Usually, for someone who is in an “I can’t say ‘No'” affair; the affair relationship may be very tenuous.

The person involved in an “I can’t say ‘No'” type of affair usually, has graduated from, what we might call, lesser levels of addiction; maybe, internet addiction, or pornography; may evolve into prostitution or, perhaps, some kind of affair with someone.

But the focus is not so much on developing a relationship with someone, as it is meeting addictive tendencies. Underneath this, of course, is a lot of shame, and a lot of guilt, if you know anything about addictive personalities. And the risk is, if you confront the other person and your cheating spouse finds out, this may intensify the shame and guilt and it may entrench him or her more strongly in the additive tendencies. That’s a possibility.

Now, the reward here is it may be a reality check for the person who is involved in the “I can’t say no affair.” It may hit them right between the eyes and they’ll say, “What in the world have I been doing?” It may also empower you, if you confront the other person. It may give you a sense of feeling like you’re doing something different. The tendency is for one, who is the spouse of someone who says, “I can’t say no, ” the tendency is to try to care, try to fix them, try to make them better, trying to help them in many ways and that often does not work. So by confronting the other spouse, taking a firm stand, that may help you feel like you’re on a different track and it may have a different impact on your cheating spouse, as well.

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Confronting the Other Person Webinar – Intro

Posted on November 22, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

When dealing with infidelity, don’t we sometimes feel like a detective, trying to figure out what the other person’s doing, or what your spouse is doing? Your eye is focused on him or her, wondering. All kinds of questions and images run through your mind.

So, it may demand a tremendous amount of our time and energy.  For some, I would say, most people who bump into an affair, one of the questions becomes “Do I confront the other person, or not?”

For some, that question doesn’t emerge. But, if you’re reading this, I would assume, that question has confronted you. Do you confront the other person, or not? There’s been a lack of material on that. I didn’t really run across a whole lot as I did some reading on this particular topic.

I have my own ideas. I thought that, perhaps, confronting the other person would be problematic; would stir up a lot of problems, and would probably not be a good idea.

But I did some research. I sent out a survey about six months ago to my readers, and I got a tremendous response. Over 500 people responded with stories and comments about their experiences in confronting the other person.

And it opened my eyes to a lot of issues, related to confronting the other person. And actually, to my surprise, a large number of people who told their stories, found it helpful for them, if not for the marriage or their relationship.

So, I want to thank you for all your participation, for your comments, and for your stories, if you happen to be one of the people who have been involved in this process. And what it’s done, it’s helped me create a new e‑book “Confronting the Other Person: End the Humiliation.”

Over the next few weeks, I’ll be posting several excerpts from my webinar on confronting the other person, with plenty of valuable information on confronting the other person.

If you have a story about confronting the other person, please feel free to share it by commenting after this blog.

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“My Marriage Made Me Do It” and Confronting the Other Person

Posted on November 22, 2010 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Let’s look at confronting the other person, in terms of, the seven types of affairs that I outline in my e‑book “Break Free from the Affair.” The first type of affair that I describe is called “My marriage made me do it,” which is a rationalization or an excuse that someone may use for having an affair.

Someone involved in this type of affair might say, “My marriage made me do it. I have a lousy marriage. It’s not working, so I’m going to go out there and find a place for my needs to be met.” The key to the “My marriage made me do it” type of affair is the issue of responsibility.

Someone who is involved in a “My marriage made me do it” type of affair refuses to take basic responsibility for their own actions, and their own feelings, and their own beliefs. They focus ‘out there’ on someone else, to either blame or to provide them with perfection in what they need or what they want.

So, they say “My marriage made me go out there,” rather than assume responsibility for what was happening within them, within the context of their marriage.

I think what happens is, if you confront the other person in this type of affair, you run some risks. Generally speaking, I would not recommend that you confront the other person in a “My marriage made me do it” affair.

Why? Because, there’s an undercurrent here of anger. A person who refuses to assume responsibility for his behavior, basically is an angry person; angry with himself, but won’t face that, but instead, project their anger out on to other people.

So, it may intensify this anger, or it may void their own rationalizations. “My marriage made me do it” is filled with rationalizations of why it’s OK for them to be involved in some type of affair. And it may create a strong alliance in the affair couple; they are brought together.

They are more tightly bound, because, it’s like them against the world. So, you may stir up stronger bonding feelings by confronting the other person in the “My marriage made me do it” type of affair. So, generally speaking, I would be very, very careful about confronting the other person in that type of an affair.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity and Intimacy, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments