In the third part of the confronting the other person webinar series, Dr. Huizenga examines a person’s readiness to confront. A Checklist is given in which one can determine his/her state of readiness to insure the best outcome for the confrontation.
Click here to listen to part three of the webinar.
In part 2 of the webinar series on confronting the other person, Dr. Huizenga interviews Linda, from www.emotionalaffair.org.
Linda did not confront the other person in her husband’s emotional affair and gives her reasons for not doing so.
Click here to listen to Dr. Huizenga’s interview with Linda.
In the first of a 3 part webinar series on Confronting the other person, Dr. Huizenga examines confronting the other person in light of the 7 types of affairs he outlines in his ebook, “Break Free From the Affair.”
Discover the risks and rewards for confronting the other person for each type of affair.
I would like to share with you an email I received from one of my readers:
I hope it is okay to send this question to you, as I have benefited greatly from your website and information over the past 15 months, and I wanted to see if you had ever considered this issue. If it is something you have not looked at, maybe it would be worthy of your consideration.
A friend and I have come to the belief that cosmetic surgery (especially with women) increases the likelihood of infidelity. Our first thoughts were anecdotal, from personal experience and the experiences of women in our circle of friends, but we came to believe that it is not a coincidence. Our initial thoughts centered on women with breast implants, but quickly grew to include those with liposuction, gastric bypass and other forms of surgery. I’m curious of your thoughts.
Our first premise is that all people can be placed on a bell curve designating their propensity/likelihood for infidelity, with one end being “no chance ever” and the other end being “gonna do it no matter what.” Most all fall somewhere in between, and are affected by their situations, environment, interactions, etc…
Second, we know that cosmetic surgery is exactly that — cosmetic. By definition, it will enhance a person’s appearance with regard to society’s standards and what is generally accepted as attractive, or the norm. With this, comes an increased level of confidence and self-esteem, two things that are also associated with attractiveness.
So, with an increased level of physical attractiveness, and increased confidence and self esteem, we think it is a given that a person will receive additional attention from potential affair partners. Whether that attention is in the form of social conversations, romantic overtures, or whatever, every bit of increased attention and opportunity will move a person closer to the “gonna do it” end of the curve. Whether or not physical appearance is the final factor in determining how far a relationship will go, it is certainly an initial factor, affecting most people’s interest in an introduction or a starting point for interaction. With more starting points, with more first steps, there will be more second steps, and more third, and so on and so on. Therefore, when taken as a whole, we think that persons with cosmetic surgery have a greater likelihood for infidelity than for those without surgery.
I’ve scoured the internet, looking for a scientific study that addresses this, and found very little. I’m attaching the one study I found, which does not specifically address infidelity, but does have statistics with regard to significant increases in the number of sexual partners and in alcohol use among women with breast implants. Maybe this is old news to you, but it is something that I have not seen discussed, and I wanted to ask your opinion.
Thank you for your time, and I hope that you will take a moment (or more) to share your thoughts with me.
If you have an opinion on this controversial topic, please feel free to comment below. I greatly appreciate and value your feedback.
If you’ve struggled with whether or not to talk to friends about the details of your infidelity crisis, you might want to read this feedback I received from one of my readers. After opening up to a select group of friends, this person was pleasantly surprised at the positive, supportive responses she received. Here is what she had to say about opening up to friends about her unfaithful husband:
“I am a person who holds everything most intimate inside and has a bit of a shame to talk to even old friends about the bad sides of my life. The biggest change for me was that I told a few of my friends what had happened and I was surprised how great their response was. One immediately shared the story of herself and her long-term boyfriend, the other listened to me and only tried to calm me down for weeks and months, without being patronizing or offering her opinion, the third urged me to think before I decide for divorce. Choose wisely the people you talk to, but do find someone, there will be a grain of balance in you almost immediately! I found Dr. Huizenga’s site a week after I found out about the affair and it was great to have this material too. None of my friends were at all judgemental, which made my husband somewhat ashamed and he showed more respect for me because of how good my friends were.”
In this blog, we hear from a woman devastated by her husband’s extramarital affair. Although the relationship is not yet healed, she knows that regardless of what lies in store for her future, she will hold her head high with pride and courage, knowing that she has made decisions based on integrity and the best interest of her children. Check out her story:
“I cried for what seemed like forever… but at the end of the day, I realized my kids needed me now more than ever. I cried while I drove my car and they were in the back in their car seats… I cried when they went to bed at night, and I cried to my family and friends. If it weren’t for them, I don’t know how I would have made it through. Of course, the affair took it’s course and now he is back trying to repair the marriage. Unfortunately, I haven’t decided yet if it is repairable as his actions at times are questionable. He still makes himself his priority but I know inside now, that this affair has made me stronger. I know that if he wants this marriage and to keep his family together, he needs to know that we can survive without him. I will no longer take a back seat (or my kids) to his social life if that is what he wants then he can have it, w/o me or the kids. If he wants his marriage (which I am willing to repair if he can overcome his selfishness w/o me having to tell him so) then we can work on it. But, now I know whether it be this marraige or a future relationship, I deserve just as much if not more than a man gives himself… Selfishness on his part lost the respect of many people close to him. If we decide to part ways, I know I can hold my head high and be proud that I maintained my marriage vows, and that he chose his own selfish needs over his wife and children’s. Sad but true. Good luck to us all, it is emotionally heart wrenching, but we will survive and make it through each day. I do recommend reading by Anne Bercht “My husband’s affair was the best thing that ever happened to me”, she gets the emotions of being betrayed exact.”
Following is a story from one of our visitors who survived infidelity. After receiving the news of the affair, and feeling as though she couldn’t function, she took time off work to get back on track. Returning to her job proved to be a very welcoming distraction, as she didn’t have as much time to focus on the affair. With a positive daily routine and a good support system in place, she overcame infidelity, moved on with her life and is thriving once again.
Check out her story:
“I received an anonymous phone call one day informing me that my husband was having an affair with someone that I knew. At that same time, he was away on vacation, after he refused to take me along and I lost it. I felt that my whole world fell on top of my head and my heart stopped beating. I started crying and screaming at the same time and I called him on the phone to confront him. He denied the affair but I later confirmed that he was indeed having the affair and that at the moment that I called him, he was with her!! I felt so sick with my heartache that I took off a couple of days from work because I simply could not function. As the days went on and the weeks that followed, I found that talking to friends, especially my mother and sisters helped tremendously and that I didn’t have to carry that burden by myself. I went back to work because it kept me busy so I didn’t have time to think about him and the affair. I lost weight because I was so depressed that I was not eating or taking care of myself. I found out that the best thing for me was to keep to my daily routine as best as I could. I took care of my kids, dressed up and went to work, wore makeup and got a haircut. This boosted my ego tremendously. I kept as busy as possible, even visiting friends and relatives that I have not seen in a long time. It’s been many months since I found out about the affair and I have recently filed for divorce since he refused to acknowledge or accept that he had the affair. It took a long time to get over my anger, hurt, resentment, grief but I found that I can laugh and enjoy myself again.”
Perhaps it is tempting to crawl into bed for weeks after discovering the affair, but some actually find comfort in sticking to their normal routine (or even adding to their calendar) in the midst of their infidelity crisis.
Today’s blog is about the benefits of focusing on one’s own happiness as a strategy for dealing with a spouse or partner who vacillates, has mood swings or changes their mind continuously. One day, one moment he or she wants a divorce, the next day or moment he or she feels remorseful and wants to work on the marriage. We feel jerked around, like a puppet on a string, uncertain of which mood or desire is going to show up next. Often this pattern of relating with our spouse or partner has been in existence for a long time, even years. We do have the power and ability to break free from the dizziness of these swings. We do not have to be a helpless victim of our partner’s wavering commitments. Overcoming infidelity in marriage is all about calling back our own power of choice, standing in our ability to choose our response to ANY circumstance and not feed our partner’s wavering indecisiveness (the redundancy of the experience can be really wearisome too!). The key to breaking free of these swings is to change one’s focus. Shift from “I wonder what he or she is going to want next?” to “What do I want next? What do I want (and NEED) now?” Not in a childish, selfish, “I’ll show you” kind of way, but in a way that focuses on what it is that would make a real and substantial contribution to your
overall and long term happiness. Peace and Blessings.
Jeryl
Jeryl Swantack Your Break Free Coach
So, what are these seven steps? How DO we get ourselves back on the track of more love and joy in our lives? Here are seven steps to freeing yourself from emotional suffering so that you can move back into (or move into for the first time) emotional freedom.
1. Value and Respect Yourself and Others
2. Give up the Need to Be Right
3. Avoid Judgments
4. Forgive Completely and Instantly
5. Use Your Word Wisely
6. Stop Being a Victim
7. Express Gratitude
Watch this blog for a discussion of each step, giving you insights into understanding each step and how to use each one to give yourself the gift of freedom from emotional suffering and infidelity in your own life. This is a gift you will give not only to yourself, but everyone around you. You will no longer be at the effect of your emotions but will be using them to guide you back into the conductor’s seat, with power and energy and momentum to take you where you want to go!
In case you might be wondering HOW it is I know my client is “beautiful and loving,” I will tell you that I can hear it in her voice and in her words. We communicate so much more than literal meaning with our choice of words. I can hear her beautiful heart and spirit when we talk over the phone or via Skype (audio). I just heard an elk “bugle,” as I wrote these words. I am fortunate to live in the mountains of Colorado, which means I am surrounded by Nature in many of its exquisite forms. The bugle of an elk at this time of year is full of meaning, as you might well guess! It is a mating call, a call to join with another elk to create new life. Give yourself (and your partner?) the gift of new life, free from the emotional pain stirred up by infidelity. Take steps to respond to this call from life to become a new YOU, one who is eager to move through this time of change into something wonder-ful.
Peace and Blessings.
Jeryl
Jeryl Swantack
Your Break Free Coach
Recently a beautiful and loving coaching client asked me, “Will the regret and guilt I feel EVER go away? Will I EVER stop punishing myself for what I did to our marriage?” The flip side of this question is, “Will I EVER stop feeling the hurt of the betrayal? Will I ever trust and love again?”
These questions are LOADED with opportunity for shared insight and wisdom. CAN we free ourselves from gnawing shame and guilt that in itself threatens to derail the healing process in a marriage in need of new harmony and balance? CAN we move beyond the pain of betrayal and find (CREATE!) the love we want to experience? Of course we can. There is always a way through pain, whether it be emotional pain, or any other kind. We need not experience emotional suffering endlessly from the pain of an affair, no matter which side of the affair we are on. The sooner we accept and EMBRACE this truth, the sooner we can get about the business of offering healing to ourselves and those around us. We can get our train “back on track” and once again be the vehicle of love and joy we want to be.
Again, it does not matter which side of the affair you are on. You need not suffer emotional pain any longer than you choose to. Remember, when you visit and join this site, you are choosing to break free from old habits, patterns, and beliefs that do not serve nor create the life you want to live and the experiences you want to have. When you come on board with THIS site, you are CHOOSING to move into a new way of looking at yourself, your partner, your marriage AND at the affair. You are choosing to move THROUGH this opportunity to create something new for yourself, in the way you relate to yourself, to others and to the bigger picture of CHANGE itself.
Peace and blessings,
Jeryl
Jeryl Swantack
Your Break Free Coach
