This video is hilarious. A cement truck driver decides to pop in on his wife. He peeks in the front window only to find her in an embrace with another man. The husband, clearly furious, begins pouring cement into the mysterious convertible in the driveway. When he returns to the window, he notices (in addition to the “other man”) the camera crew, a huge cardboard check, and the keys to the convertible she won.
The moral of this story….get your facts straight if you’re going to take revenge.
This is a good article that gets at our culture and how it provides opportunities for affairs and infidelity to begin.
Different social networks are examines, i.e. the gym, the bar and even the church.
An interesting study from Colorado looks at the origin of an outbreak of Gonorrhea that was traced to specific bars in the community.
Nothing life shaking here. But, interesting.
Check it out http://findinvestigations.blogspot.com/2010/01/culture-of-infidelity_22.html
Donna Barnes, life and relationship coach, explains some of the clues you should look for if you suspect your husband is cheating.
What would Dr. Huizenga disagree with in this video? Please leave your comments below.
The case study below indicates a couple of those fears.
The fear of not knowing and feeling safe.
First, your fear may arise because you no longer feel safe in trusting yourself. It’s difficult to trust your inner guidance and your thoughts since what you once thought was reality is called into question. This is especially powerful if your cheating husband or wife cuts him/herself off from you or presents a series of lies, mistruths, half truths or fabrications.
As well, your partner may be so tied to the affair that s/he no longer has a grasp on reality. Infidelity and extramarital affairs often live on the edge of delusions and illusions of what life is actually like.
And so, when talking to your spouse, s/he in his/her convictions may present an entirely different view of what’s happening. And, s/he does so in a manner that is utterly and totally convincing, because s/he truly believes his/her perception to be the truth.
You may hear such phrases as.. “We’re just friends, I’m not doing anything wrong, what are you talking about?” or, “You’re jumping to conclusions.”
Or, his/her actions are such that they convey that nothing is wrong. Business as usual. By looking at the cover of the book you would never guess a tragedy is unfolding. And s/he has no idea that the tragedy is unfolding as well.
And, to the extreme, you may hear from your cheating husband or wife, “I’m in love, aren’t you happy for me that I finally found it?”, or, “I deserve this – I’ve given so much, now it’s my time.” This is stated with a total disregard for your feelings or the impact those words have on you.
Your inner life, your esteem, your “groundedness” is thrown into chaos because you can’t believe this is happening.
Afraid of the future.
And, you are afraid. Afraid you have lost it! Afraid you no longer have a compass that guides you. Afraid of the future and how you might manage it, since you’ve seemingly lost your bearings.
You then begin the process of putting together an inner world that gives some comfort. But, you are on your own. And, you make assumptions, not sure if those assumptions are valid.
Yesterday’s blog was a comical, light hearted take on the issue of infidelity and gender.
If you are still curious as to the seeds of infidelity and the differences between men and
women, here is a rather heady article that talks about the innate tendencies toward infidelity, whether they are learned or are genetically programmed.
It’s been in the news lately. Each discipline has its slant on the origin and characteristics of infidelity.
For more on this subject go to, http://evolvingmind.info/blog/2010/02/gender-typical-responses-to-marital-infidelity-nature-or-nurture/
The following video is a comical take on the issue of gender and infidelity, discussing the misconception that men are more likely to cheat than women.
I received a number of emails saying,
“I don’t really get charging neutral.”
“Tell me more.”
“Give me more examples.”
Let’s work on this…
A characteristic of the skill charging neutral is almost always “making the other person right.”
Ok, now take it easy. Make him/her right!!!??? Are you kidding me??
Hear me out.
In almost all cases of infidelity there are underlying motives, unfinished business, levels of immaturity, questions about adequacy, a sense of lostness or lack of purpose or direction that triggers the act of infidelity.
Infidelity is not a very healthy choice.
The exception may be in the case of the sociopath – the “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair – where one may run into one who is truly “evil” (if you want to use that word.)
“Making him/her right” means you develop the capacity emotionally disengage from your tendency to argue, blame, criticize, attack and form negative judgments about that person.
Give plenty of S P A C E and dig beneath the obvious. And, then hang on to your self as you truly take the risk of knowing this person.
Listen to this example of charging neutral and what happened:
My spouse told me many times that the low level of intimacy in our relationship made him insecure and he found some of the security with the OP.
One of the reasons for the feeling of not connected with me was that he mentioned was that he never really felt that we both truly knew each other.
Although I do not find it to be in any way a justification for cheating on me for two years (or longer), I thought it would be great to get to know each other a little bit better.
One evening we met up at a local restaurant. I asked if he would like to play a game (asking each other questions about our likes, dislikes and desires).
The game soon developed into a conversation about how he always desired to experience sexual freedom.
Had I not known that I needed to charge neutral, this conversation would have ended up in me screaming at him or crying (most possibly- both). I would get him all defensive and my goal (making him analyze himself with possibly reaching the realization of all the inconsistencies in his thought patterns) would be even further away.
Instead I remained calm and supportive. It was amazing to me how honest I could be, without him feeling rejected or judged. I did not praise him for anything, I was even able to tell him how I felt about the issue.
He actually felt more understood and relaxed after the conversation. He even shared with me that he realizes wanting things that are mutually exclusive (me and the sexual freedom).
We still have a long way to go, and the future is uncertain, however, if there is anything that makes me hope at all it would be the charging neutral skill.
I can imagine that using the neutral charge in communication would be one of the building blocks of a truly honest and loving relationship.
More words from those who have been there and done that…
“It helped me identify the type of affair my partner had, and to understand why, even when he ended the affair, he continued to stay emotionally attached to the woman. I tried for 6 months to “make it work”; we went away on holidays, went to dinner, talked and talked. I thought we were getting things back together. However, after a lovely walking weekend, dinner etc, I said to him “Are you over ‘her’ now?” To which he replied ‘No, I still miss the affair and the possibility of a different future”……. I flipped, and asked him to move out, I had never felt so angry, used and abused….. I then downloaded your book, and with the help of a very good counselor, I finally ‘get it’… recovery from this affair… is about finding out who I am, and what I want, and if I actually want this relationship. My self-esteem is growing; I find I can live on my own. I find I have lots of great friends and supportive teenage children. I have now said that I do not want any contact with my partner for at least 3 months. It’s time for him to see how it feels without me. He is having counseling too. I feel whatever decision we come to will be for the right reasons, and will be an informed decision. In the meantime I tell myself everyday ‘I’m going to make it’…..”
“This course has helped me realize that I need to focus on and put all my energy into helping ME. I’ve wasted so much time, energy & tears on my ex-husband, hoping that he’d get bored with ‘her’ & realize how much he misses the wonderful life (at least, I thought it was wonderful, denial?) he had with his ‘real family’. But, that’s not going to happen so I need to move on, start over & enjoy a ‘different’ life. I know he misses me & the life he had, just not enough. This course was ‘dead on’ when it came to things to say & not to say. It was almost like you were listening in on my life!! Everything you said not to say, of course I said it & vice versa. I know now that in the end, I did do the right thing in telling him that it was no longer his decision. I told him he was not welcome here anymore in the middle of the night when he was done with her or when she threw him out or if he had a change of heart, whatever the reason. He had to leave now & I was divorcing him. My decision!! I went to work one day, told my boss I needed to work full time b/c I needed the medical benefits & that was that. I miss him every minute of everyday but I will make it b/c I have wonderful kids, family & friends that care. And, I am determined to show him that my life is better than his miserable life. That’s a little bonus!! Thanks doc for all your advice.”
Most commonly refer to it as an emotional affair. The emotional affair best corresponds to my affair type #4 (out of 7 unique types of affairs): “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love.”
Here is an interview of a psychiatrist who talks about the emotional affair.
It is a good overview of the characteristics of an emotional affair, and might be helpful for someone who feels an attraction to someone and questions whether s/he is engaged in this type of affair.
Click here for other blogs on infidelity and emotional affairs.
This is a true story.
If you are a philanderer, beware.
Watch this video of women conspiring to exact their revenge (or “stick it to him.”)
Please do not take notes while you watch this video.
