Is there anything that disturbs you about this video on forgiveness?
It certainly stirs the feelings.
Watch the video and leave a comment on what you think about this process of “forgiving.”
Next week in my newsletter I will let you know what I think. Sign up for any ecourse or free report and you will be added to my newsletter, if you are not subscribed.
If you are offended by rough, coarse bad language, including the f-word, don’t watch this video.
A little humor helps to put things in perspective. I got a kick out of this video, sent to me by one of my therapist colleagues. (Do you suppose we see the worst side too much? :))
Anyway, again, don’t go near this if you find bad language insulting, ’cause this video is filled with it!
What does it take to heal from infidelity? There are many turning points and “ah ha” moments along that way that change the course of one’s feelings, thoughts and perhaps the course itself of the infidelity.
Here are some comments from readers of Break Free From the Affair as they relay their turning points or insights that accelerated their healing from infidelity.
I am still reading and rereading your book. I have learned a lot about the different types of affairs and am grateful to discover that my husband’s truly was a one-time episode and has a very good prognosis. I am an RN married to a psychologist. I found your book after I had already discovered the affair, and had unfortunately gone through many of the behavioral ‘mistakes’ you described. I now realize how those behaviors only made things worse. I felt like I didn’t even know who he was after 23 years of marriage. But in our situation, when my medical results from testing I had (after he had assured me I ‘didn’t need to have anything done’) came back positive, I was so glad I had finally made the choice to take care of myself. This gave me the strength to realize and tell him that, whether we stayed together or not, I would come out of this okay- more than that, I would continue to relearn how to take care of myself and become the stronger person that I knew was inside of me – a better role model for our children. With that medical news he suddenly discovered the ripple effect of his actions and how he actually had put my life in danger. In doing so he, literally overnight in our case, rediscovered his conscience, broke off contact with his OP (who lives in a distant state) after sharing the medical news as mandated by the situation and has recommitted himself to our marriage and our family. As you say, I always lived by the mistaken belief that taking care of myself was ‘selfish’. I began individual counseling and have thus far made a great deal of progress in the areas of self esteem and assertiveness. I am making the decision daily to forgive my husband, to stay in this relationship, and together we are pledging to rebuild our marriage to be better than it ever was before. I am discovering that these decisions do get easier as the months go by. So far he is living up to this commitment and continues working hard to rebuild the trust in our relationship.
Charging neutral seems to be very effective. This is not my preferred communication style, although it should be.
– realized it was much more complex than I originally thought – gave different persectives to help frame the reason behind the affair
What is your turning point if you face the “I Don’t Want to Say No” or “I Can’t Say No” types of affairs characterized by emotional abuse?
Often the offended spouse believes the marriage, or more accurately, her cheating husband can be saved or will reform his/her behavior.
That may happen. However, if the patterns related to these two types of affairs are pervasive and deeply ingrained, the chances of constructive change are minimal.
The turning point for many is “letting go” of attempts to reform or save the other.
The reader below expresses her story of moving gradually away from the abusive relationship as she struggles to forgive and forge ahead:
Hi Dr Huizenga Thank you for keeping me on your mailing list all this time. It has been 3 and a half years since I went through the experience and I valued your material very much at the time.
My experience was a tough one as my partner was having many affairs. The toughest part was finding out that one of his affairs was with a women who had be-friended me after their affair had began. To realize that he did not question her reasons for getting close to me and the lack of respect he must have had for me to allow her to do so was extremely saddening.
He had also put me a risk of STD’s due to many of his sexual partners being bar girls in south east Asia. Your material helped me at a time of much weakness – not only caused by what I had discovered but my treatment for 10 years.
I had no self esteem and little thought or respect for myself as the years of ‘indifference’ had progressed. Remaining ‘neutral’ was great advice, although difficult in such a time of mixed emotion.
The ‘affair categories’ helped me make the decision to leave. This was a man who would never change his cheating behavior. It may sound crazy to many. Why would you need to refer to material to make such a decision after such terrible treatment? Sometimes you are so involved and weakened by the past and the harsh reality of the present to have the strength to trust your own judgments.
You believe what you want to believe. There are many couples who I am sure have been able to repair the damage and remain together; learning a great deal from the experience and about each other. By learning more about the reasons people have affairs, it gave me a great insight into whether there was a way to remedy the relationship or cut my loses, learning from the experience and moving on.
To cut my ‘loses’ was the biggest ‘gain’ and gift I have ever given myself. The rest of my journey was a personal one. Once you have taken that step away and look back, things are even more difficult. I had to learn to forgive myself for allowing a man to have treated me so ‘indifferently’ for many years.
However, I do still share your belief that ‘nobody makes a person have an affair’. My partner would have still cheated regardless and is doing the very same to the women he has since married and fathered a child with – (the women who had be-friended and manipulated me) and the women who many know will and has been planning to make a great deal of money from him marrying her.
The category that applied to him has proved that he will continue the same behavior, the very behavior that will cost him greatly in his current relationship.
I am still learning to forgive myself, but like you say, you never forget (if only I could). Thank you again for your help. At the time, I was living abroad with this man and most people I knew had a business connection to him. I had no family there to talk to and felt very much alone in my sorrow and anger.
Connecting to your site and reading your material encouraged me to think rationally at a time when emotions were so very strong and confused. This has been education not only for the period of decision making and grief but for the future also.
We face choices when coping with infidelity. Sometimes, that’s all it is: coping with infidelity. It is difficult to see the joy or the expansion of life and relationships.
We choose to find bright moments, moments that give comfort and a little solace. Maybe this is a prelude to a next step? One would hope so.
Here’s a story of someone coping with infidelity and attempting to find any small silver lining:
I’m still trying to recover. Your book has helped me to have some self-healing. I read, and re-read it. I tried to share it with him to no avail. He just couldn’t care less—talk about Passive/Aggressive.
My marriage is not restored. He says he just doesn’t want the strain/stress of working on a marriage, etc. He still lies about all his adultery, etc. I’ve faced the fact that I will not hear the truth. He “left the marriage” years ago. He just didn’t leave home.
I am in bad health and just don’t have the strength to fight for a divorce, and a fight it would be the lawyer told said. We live pretty divided lives while still living together. He’s “happy” just to have a “companion”–his word. Sad life. But, I have family and friends who love me, and grandchildren that give me happiness.
His main interest is his money, and eating out. He doesn’t like people much, so he doesn’t care that he has no friends. You just can’t fight that type of mind, and I can’t build a marriage by myself. I’ve gotten over the anger period. I just mainly feel sorrow for the pathetic person that he is. No joy or gratitude for all his blessings.
I have learned to find joy in the smallest things for which I am grateful. I still appreciate reading your letters. Please keep me on your mailing list.
Your spouse is involved in an emotional affair (I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love.)
I came across this video by a psychologist giving advice on how to cope with an emotional affair.
Her premise: Since you did not meet his/her emotional needs s/he sought to get those needs met with someone else. To “win” him/her back, meet those needs.
I have a real problem with this advice. Need meeting is a slippery slope. His/her needs will NEVER be fully met by you, or by anyone else for that matter. Needs are bottomless. You will NEVER be enough. The OP will NEVER be enough.
And when the bottom of the well is reached, you will be blamed because you were insufficient in meeting them. So, s/he looks elsewhere. Give me a break! Do you understand how crazy this is?
The goal in life is not to scrounge around getting our needs met. My life is to move beyond my neediness, to grow, to mature, to evolve (whatever word you want to use) to live my life with purpose, according to integrated values and standards and set boundaries which protect me from the toxin.
I believe much of “mid-life crisis” is of those who discover that there needs will never be met in the way they magically thought they would. And, when you live your life focused on your needs, and it doesn’t work, what do you have left, if you have not considered your values, standards or purpose for being on this planet? So, those disillusioned by their need meeting efforts, lament, “I don’t know who I am!” are right on target. They haven’t moved or grown into their next phase of evolution or maturity.
Many in the psychological community just don’t get this. They may know how to teach relationship skills, but they lack the fundamental understanding of human nature.
I present this video of a pervasive underlying belief system in the psychological community that will do you more harm than good.
P.S. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Certified Social Worker with a Doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy. I’ve jumped through the hoops with countless hours of clinical supervision.
This question emerges when one is in the process of deciding whether to stay or go.
Or, is uncertain about the reconciliation or healing process.
Dr. Huizenga gives a 4 step process in defining what it is you are tolerating and how to rid your self and relationship of those tolerations.
Infidelity is, in essence, an opportunity for the individual and marriage to move to a new level of evolution, growth or whatever word you choose to use to describe that process.
Dr. Huizenga guides you in considering the identification of whom you want to become.
Infidelity happens.
Discover a philosophical overview that provides freedom from the hurt and pain and a perspective that enables your personal growth and evolution.
…in spite of, or more accurately, because of the infidelity and affair.
This is THE question.
Don’t take it lightly. Dr. Huizenga will teach you how to dig underneath and confront your motives.
Only motives honed by this question will enable you to save your marriage or reconcile the affair.
Learn why.
