Effective pinpointed action is required in break free from the affair and influencing its direction. Reaction causes more harm than good.
Choose an affair specific strategy, implement slowly and observe. Experiment.
Examples of strategies for different types of affairs are given.
Dwelling in your worst moment may seem counter intuitive, to say the least.
However, Dr. Huizenga states it is crucial to acknowledge your pain and learn from it.
After all, it’s leading you to what you truly want. He gives a technique to mine this unwanted area of your life.
Pay attention.
Don’t be in the reactive mode. Ever get caught or stuck in the “circle” and not be able to get out?
Dr. Huizenga describes a 3 step awareness that helps you move from the reactive mode to exercising your personal power which has a much better chance of influencing the direction of the affair.
Protecting your self may be important to consider.
Sometimes these types of affairs require extra attention and the need to protect self:
“My Marriage Made Me Do It” – the frog in hot water analogy
“I Fell Out of Love…and just love being in love”
“I Don’t Want to Say No”
Dr. Huizenga looks at the issue of support.
It is often difficult to talk to others, especially family and friends and professionals often lack specific training in dealing with infidelity.
He offers three places where you can get the support and help you need.
Dr. Huizenga emphasizes the vital importance of identifying the type of affair you face, if you desire to influence the direction and flow of the infidelity.
He explains what makes affairs different or unique.
Examples of different ways of approaching different affairs are explained as he looks at the “I Don’t Want to Say No” type as opposed to the “I Need to Prove my Desirability” affair.
And, the contrast between “I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy” and “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her.”
Coping with a cheating spouse who continues seeing the other person, even though the affair is in the open, often involves a high level of ambivalence.
Dr. Huizenga describes that ambivalence and offers powerful ways to verbalize that ambivalence to the cheating spouse.
As well, he talks about the importance of shifting the focal point and asking yourself THE question.
Dr. Huizenga, in the 9th tape of this 20 tape series on surviving infidelity presents the often asked or implied question, “Will I ever trust again?”
He approaches this question from two directions.
This question may mean, “will I ever trust my cheating spouse again?”
Dr. Huizenga looks at the time frame for rebuilding trust and the ways to rebuild that trust.
A second component addressed is, Will I ever be able to to love again?
He gives 3 components for rebuilding your capacity to trust your self in entering a healthy relationship.
Here is an interview which gives an overview of some of the infidelity concepts used by Dr. Huizenga.
How you confront your spouse about the affair depends on the type of affair facing you.
Dr. Huizenga describes the radical difference in confronting the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” type of affair as opposed to the “I Don’t Want to Say No” type of affair.
He also gives 3 specific tips on how to confront your spouse about the affair for the other 5 types of affairs.
The importance of consistency and charging neutral is also explained.
