How to Make Your Spouse WANT YOU

Posted on January 19, 2015 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

make your spouse want youBy Dr. Bob Huiznega

Carolynn sent me a scathing email. :)

She was mad at me and yet, I just love Carolynn.

You see, I helped her “Charge Neutral” and now her unfaithful husband is begging for her to take him back.

Dang.. she says.

(She gave me permission to share her “scathing” email. Here it is…)

Dear Dr. Bob – I’m not happy with you! After all this work I have done – religiously, I might add – and down to the letter – I have discovered myself!  When we broke up I swore I would never love again, and that I could never be happy again. Every time I saw him, I died inside. I cried myself to sleep at least ½ of the past two months!  As crazy as this may sound – I wanted to always hurt for him – always be sad – because that way, he may come back to welcoming arms.

But, alas, no thanks to you, I saw him yesterday and didn’t ache, didn’t hurt, and didn’t cry afterwards!  What have you done?  Where is the sting I had gotten so used to? Please explain to me why I have a new self-esteem without him? Tell me how to get back the hatred, the anger, and the frustrations of rejection – because without those emotions ruling over me apparently I have become attractive again.

I didn’t want to fall out of love with my husband – I mean, yes, he broke our vows, cheated, lied, and harbored secrets – but he was mine.  He was not his to give away to someone else – I owned him!

Your program has had me seeing myself and my values in a whole new light.  And, I swear, ever since I discovered that my values were conflicting with his – and because I wouldn’t compromise on my spiritual values, my personal values, and my intimacy values – you made me see that the internal conflict was causing a mess.

I have discovered a peaceful calm, new love, and a healthier me – I didn’t pay for this!  When I saw him yesterday, I said to myself, “What was I thinking? I must have been desperate as hell to hook up with him!”  So, I am angry because I paid for your books in order to keep him and now I don’t want him and he is begging me to reconsider our marriage!  Hmph!!

Would you like Carolynn’s problem?

(We are not sure what WILL happen to the marriage, but at least now, with Carolynn taking the emotional lead, it has a fighting chance of being an intimate warm place for BOTH.)

The #1, bar none, skill/technique/attitude (whatever you want to call it,) that Carolynn and hundreds of other readers are raving about I call “Charging Neutral.”

Charging Neutral is just one (although users say THE most POWERFUL) of 16 skills and strategies I teach and introduce in the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp.

Also, and this is CRITICAL: what strategy or skill you use depends on the type of affair facing you.

I’ve outlined the 7 Types of Affairs in the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp.

The 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp will open your eyes to your spouse’s motives for the affair and kick start your healing and change process.

The Boot Camp contains a wealth of other information, but for now, I want to emphasize the importance of pinpointing the type of affair and employing a strategy that fits that affair, in conjunction with Charging Neutral.

But, let’s go back to Charging Neutral; a skill or mindset that compliments and enhances the power of the other skills and strategies.

It is important to Charge Neutral in all 7 Types of Affairs.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER; it is CRITICAL to emphasize the “Charging” component in some types of affairs, i.e. Affair #2, “I Don’t Want to Say No,” and the “Neutral” component in Affair #6, “I Need to Prove My Desirability.”

Each affair demands a different “shade” of Charging Neutral. Knowing when to “shade” Charging Neutral assures success and colors the future of your marriage or relationship.

The Secret to Your Spouse Wanting You and Not the Game

Become an expert in Charging Neutral and the 7 Types of Affairs and your spouse will strain their neck trying to keep an eye on you, because you no longer play THE game.

Carolynn followed through on learning the 7 Types of Affairs, felt the relief from knowing the infidelity was not her fault, targeted EXACTLY what she needed to say and do, Charged Neutral and now she has a dilemma – what to do with a radically changed relationship.

Maybe this will be your outcome, maybe not.

But, I guarantee you will have the potential to feel worlds better, will see the folly behind the infidelity and will chart a course that gives confidence and purpose.

Now, if you want to experience this power and want to begin leaning in this direction, I offer a beginning point.

To begin, click the button below, enter your email address and a new world of coping with infidelity awaits you. Please know that:

1. You will receive Carolynn’s Manifesto (her list of 18 goals) in your email box. Print out the Manifesto, tape on your fridge, bathroom mirror, etc.

2. You will directly go to a page where I offer in video format access to the “48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp.” This opens a door to understand and feel differently about infidelity

Click this button now: Button Yes, I want Carolynn’s Manifesto and Opportunity to Sign up for the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp

There is more…

You will receive emails introducing you to other important steps in the Infidelity Healing Process. Please sign up for the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp and calm your hurt and fears. Keep your eyes on your email inbox with emails from Dr Bob Huizenga.

I truly look forward to hearing from you.

Infidelity throws your feelings, your life and your family for a loop; a painful confusing loop. You can trust that I offer you, step by step, what you need. I’ve spent 3 decades as a Marriage and Family Therapist, counseling thousands and want you to pull as much wisdom as you possibly can from my experience.

Once again, Click here…

Posted in Charging Neutral, Uncategorized | Tagged | 2 Comments

The #1 Most Powerful Technique to Save Your Marriage and Sanity

Posted on January 17, 2015 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

save your marriage

You will learn in the next few minutes how to effectively use THE most powerful strategy for quickly diminishing your emotional pain, changing the ground rules for the affair, discerning the emotional investment of your spouse and even, perhaps, bringing the affair to a halt.

I remember as a kid on the playground a bully, or at least a young man with a mean streak, who would invite someone to teeter totter. All seemed well and fun with the rhythmic up and down of the teeter totter.

Both were balanced perfectly and created a rhythm to the up and down of the teeter totter.

However, at some point, when the other was at the up point, the bully would quickly bail off the teeter totter from the bottom and the other came crashing down.

Don’t you feel like that other sometimes?

Your world came crashing down!

Plop! Suddenly there you are. Flat on the ground. Not sure what happened. Never expecting the fall.

Life was moving along, maybe seemingly very well, and all of a sudden you are on your **s.

The impact of an affair is debilitating, devastating and forever your life will be changed.

And, then, what do you do? How do you act? What do you need? What do you want? What is triggered deep within you? How do you cope with this crisis? What IS your next move?

I’ve worked with literally thousands since 1981 who were blasted with infidelity.

You Fall Back to the Familiar and REACT

Here’s what most do: they revert to their default mechanism.

It’s not a time for a clear head. It’s not a time to stand back and rationally plan your next strategy.

You react. You go back to what you learned was most productive or seemingly got the best results before.

You intuitively scan your emotional memory bank and, beyond your awareness, choose THAT strategy that helped you emotionally survive prior emotional crises.

Here are the common possibilities others have shared with me:

1 You plead, beg reason and argue. You try to talk your way out of this mess. Worked before. Hey, why won’t it work now?

2 You attack. You rage. Your anger seeps out and you hope to intimidate with your raging.

3 You withdraw. You pout. You crawl away, perhaps hoping your spouse will try to pull you back.

4 Closely related, your become depressed. You become ill. You hope somehow, this will gain the attention that might pull you back to what was.

5 You apologize. You try to explain yourself. You defend yourself. You make excuses for yourself assuming you had a part in your spouse’s decision.

6 You suggest a myriad of ways to fix the problem and make it better.

And as you engage in these knee-jerk, formed-by-unconscious-habit behaviors, you feel just terrible.

You Don’t Like You

You feel terrible about yourself. You don’t like doing what you do. Yet there seems, some moments, some days to be little control over yourself. You know, in the deepest recesses of your heart, that this is NOT who you truly are.

You feel out of control and helpless. All that seemed familiar, all that you counted on before, all that you could create to make your life tolerable or better before, no longer applies. Your spouse is in control. Plain and simple. And what you do, seems to make little if no difference. You are adrift.

You feel stupid. You feel like you have been duped. You feel humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed. You don’t really know why some of these feelings are so powerful, or where they came from, but you know they are real. And you hate it.

And to alleviate your life of this terrible nightmare, you revert back to one of the 6 default mechanisms noted above.

Your Spouse Plans on (and Needs) Your REACTION

But there’s a problem with these default mechanisms: your spouse is planning and counting on your to do exactly that; to slide back into your default behavior.

Each of these default mechanisms, in your spouse’s mind at least, tends to justify his affair and infidelity actions. (Because you are a rageaholic, forever arguing, depressed and sick, etc. your spouse now has a reason or excuse to seek out a “better relationship.”)

Your behavior, in a sense, gives your spouse permission to continue the crazy behaviors.

Your spouse is counting on you to be predictable. Your spouse is counting on you to REACT and not ACT.

And so, the game continues.

What is Charging Neutral?

A powerful tool I teach is called charging neutral. Charging neutral is a basic concept I teach in “Break Free From the Affair.”

Of all the concepts I introduce, this one concept of Charging Neutral has proven, beyond a doubt, to be highly effective as a catalyst for change. I’ve lost count of the testimonials I’ve received over the years from those who say that charging neutral saved their lives and relationships.

Note that charging neutral is an oxymoron. Is it possible to be charge or be aggressive and neutral or more passive at the same time? Yes it is. That seeming incongruence makes it powerful.

Charging neutral means you:

Are non reactive. You refuse to fight. You refuse to defend yourself. You refuse to explain your behaviors. You refuse to walk away and sulk. You refuse to back down and be a doormat.

Charging neutral means you have no buttons to be pushed. You refuse to take the bait and respond to the trigger that sets off your unpleasant emotional reaction. You refuse to do what you usually do that enables your spouse to perhaps justify his/her craziness.

Charging neutral means you are calm. You do not exude tension or anxiety. You stand firm, unshakeable without internally or externally quivering.

Charging neutral means you eyeball without blinking.

Now, when you shift to neutral I want you to be aware of possible consequences, since you will no longer be playing the “game.”

Your partner may amplify what s/he does to get you “going” so that the predictable outcome of distance results. You may experience the withdrawal intensify, the anger intensify the arguing intensify, the passive aggressive behavior intensify, the sniping intensify or whatever his/ her pattern may be.

Your partner may express curiosity, ask questions or raise eyebrows at your behavior.

Your partner may attempt (usually unconsciously) to set up situations that reboot and kick into gear the “game.”

Your partner may express shock and surprise. You may truly grab your spouse’s attention. You no long play the game your spouse is counting on.

Just be aware and notice. Your goal is to be neutral and continue that position.

How You Benefit From Charging Neutral

You receive a number of benefits when charging neutral:

1. Your regain your personal confidence. You fears diminish. Your feelings no long rage out of control. Your mind quiets.

2. You overcome your sense of helplessness and victimization. You take control of yourself which enables you to have more positive and constructive influence in your marriage or relationship.

3. You experience the power of ACTING rather than REACTING.

4. You receive a more accurate reading on the emotional investment of your spouse for the marriage. Your spouse possesses a commitment and tie to you if they are disturbed by your charging neutral. However, an exception may exist if your spouse is tied to the initial emotional intensity of an affair.

5. You are now freer and more able to move toward being who you truly want to be. You are in charge of you and no longer a leaf blown according to the prevailing status of your relationship with your spouse.

How you Charge Neutral

The first step in charging neutral is to shift to neutral.

1. The first step is a matter of your will. Tell yourself to be neutral. Tell yourself that you will refuse to react. Tell yourself to act calmly and convey calm. Take a number of deep breathes to calm the tension and enable your muscles and body language to relax.

2. Tell yourself, that for a period of time ( an hour, a day or when you have the most intense interaction with your spouse) you will “make” yourself be neutral.

3. Refuse to employ the old and typical patterns and habits when confronted by the emotional intensity of your marriage crisis. Refuse to plead, beg, argue, reason, become a victim or pout.

4. Stop pursuing. Do not suggest counseling. Do not suggest working on the relationship. Do not tell your spouse that you have changed or will change. Do not tell your spouse you love them.

5. Train your body language to convey strength and calm.

6. Use few words. And, make sure the words you do use, do not reflect on the impact the relationship is presently having upon you.

Key Points for Charging Neutral

1. You can “fake it til you make it.” Of course it is impossible for anyone facing the trauma of a marital crisis not to have feelings or be upset. However, you don’t want those feelings or thoughts (since many of them are distorted and are illusions) to control who you are and offer the possibility of doing further damage to the marriage or relationship. But you can try to calm yourself and maybe have the capacity to first, fake it.

2. “Faking it til you make it” is easier for some than others. You may not have the capacity to fake it. Or, you may have taken along with you the ability to detach or remove yourself from emotionally intense situations. “Faking” it will be easier for you.

3. Experiment. Do not expect perfection. Be kind to yourself when you find it impossible to be neutral.

4. The ability to Charge Neutral is a life long learning process. A part of us always wants to scream or react in one form or another. No one “Charges Neutral” all the time.

5. Initially Charging Neutral is similar to what some call the “180,” where you do the opposite of what you typically do in the relationship. The purpose of the initial charging neutral is to upset the balance in the relationship. And, often it leads to abrupt and radical change. However, this is only temporary. Much more work is needed after the initial change.

6. Shifting to neutral is the first step. The charging part of the charging neutral comes later when you begin to use messaging and other forms of self disclosure and confrontation. Self disclosure and confrontation becomes much more powerful when grounded by emotional neutrality and action rather than reactivity.

Posted in Uncategorized | 72 Comments

4 Shifts you Must Make to EFFECTIVELY Deal with Infidelity

Posted on December 4, 2014 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

If you are like most, you feel like a Basket Case when first confronted by infidelity in your marriage or relationship.

And, you typically engage in the 6 Killer Mistakes that Most Make that are Guaranteed to Prolong the Affair and Your Misery that I outline.

It is crucial that you address your Basketcaseitis before you can effectively confront the affair.

Using any type of strategy while in the Basketcase Mode will be interpreted, most likely, by your cheating spouse as manipulation. S/he will more likely feel pity, rage and/or resentment toward you rather than positive feelings if your neediness blasts front and center.

So, the ultimate question: How do you extricate yourself from the Basketcase Mode?

I will show you how that happens. And, it can happen faster than you possibly thought. Those who’ve poured over parts of my material email within a couple hours uttering profound thanks for the new peace and relief they feel. It does happen.

To move from the Basketcase Mode, I’ve discovered 4 shifts that must take place.

1. First, you must forget all you have ever learned about infidelity. Now, you probably haven’t formally had training on the dynamics of infidelity, (not much exists) but informally through television, romantic novels, tabloids, gossip and movies, you picked up on powerful assumptions about infidelity and affairs. And 90% of these assumptions are dead wrong. Not only are they dead wrong, they are deadly. You will learn more about the myths in “Break Free from the Affair” and by blog posts.

2. You must come to the conclusion that the infidelity or affair is his/her problem. YOU don’t have the problem. Your cheating spouse does. Very very very very few affair relationships ever become healthy. Your cheating spouse’s life is going down the tubes. And, there are very specific reasons why it’s not your life, but his/hers that is gravely at risk.

3. You must be able to stand back and see the motives and reasons for his/her temporary insanity. And, there are reasons. Affairs just don’t happen and emerge out of thin air. Lifelong patterns, in some cases, almost guarantee an affair, an affair that had its seeds long before s/he met you.

4. You must move out of the victim role and assume your personal power. This is not as difficult as it may seem. Once the top three conditions are met you will feel your power. You will know your power. I want for you to hold your head high and be able to confront in a powerful manner (using charging neutral, a skill I teach) your cheating spouse, look him/her square in the eye, so that s/he is the first one to blink.

Posted in Charging Neutral, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Reasons, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , | 8 Comments

7 Powerful Steps you MUST Take to Recover from Infidelity

Posted on July 14, 2014 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Here’s a basic outline of general steps I’ve seen thousands take over the past years as they face and recover from the affair.

Briefly, here’s a skeleton, my beginning point, for the 7 steps to affair recovery.

1. You discover the affair and you are in shock. Enough said.

2. As you move through the shock and become more alive, you begin to make two huge mental shifts.

First, you learn about infidelity and that it truly is an act of temporary insanity which has little to do with you.

Second, from that first awareness, you begin to firmly believe and feel that you are not at fault. You are not defective!

As a side note from one of my readers:

“Dr. Bob, when I went to see my physician for some medication to help me cope, he offered that I needed to go home and figure out what my husband was getting from the other woman that I wasn’t giving him. He also recommended Dr. Laura’s book on Care and Feeding of Husbands. My hunch, given this physician is in a second marriage to a much younger woman, that he cheated on his first wife. You may want to warn your readers that others might try and convince you it is your fault. I was able to go back and confront my physician about how inappropriate this had been (on the advice of my marriage counselor she said she wouldn’t practice medicine if he didn’t practice marital therapy!).”

3. The second step frees you from your personal neediness and fears (which make you awfully unattractive) and you face squarely the question: “Do I REALLY want to be married to him/her?”

4. Once at peace with your answer, you begin devising strategies that will intervene in the affair. You experiment to see if your actions can elicit a different response, perhaps end the affair or create some breakthrough (dependent on the kind of affair facing you.)

5. Your strategies and interventions, over time, give you the information you need to decide whether the relationship is a go or no-go. Do I stay or leave? You decide.

6. The two of you commit to rebuilding your relationship and lives.

7. You begin to create and build your life apart from him/her.

Yes, it is an interesting journey. And, it takes time. I say, without help and support, anywhere from 2-4 years. With guidance and a desire to learn about infidelity you can cut back on that time frame considerably.

Read what others, perhaps like you, describe as their healing journey:

“The first 4 weeks were awful, cannot describe the emotional torture, just getting by was hurting. But somewhere inside of all us is the need to rise up in spite of what has happened. Friends became a key factor. Walking became a stress buster. I did not want any down time to think or to feel. Although its important to face your feelings, the first few weeks are about getting up and get moving. Walking constantly was all I could do. I would walk and cry at the same time. Eventually the crying stops but walking continues. Play your walkman. Listen to upbeat music only – no sad songs. Talk to your friends. Family is good too, but too close to the situation. Keep active and productive. It’s amazing what it can do. I did not think so at first, but I needed something to do, somewhere to go. Exercising/walking was it as well as friends. I drove them nuts talking to them. I also searched for answers as to why. That’s how I came upon Dr Huizenga’s web site. The need to understand. It does not change the hurt but it gave me an insight into infidelity and I was not alone. People referred me to the phoenix rising and I did just that. It took a lot but I survived. You can too.”

“The pain was so intense after 37 years of marriage discover my husband was having an affair with a friend was so totally devastating that I remember crying for months, but the one bit of advice that helped me was something I read that said, “Infidelity is like a death and the advice not to make life changing decisions for a year unless you have not other options apply to infidelity as well. You can get a divorce anytime so don’t rush to that decision.” That helped me be able to put one foot in front of the other the first few weeks/months and realize that the divorce decision could be made later when I was saner. It has been almost 2 years and we are still together.”

“I wanted information. I wanted both experiential and clinical information. All was validating–that my desire to know, my behaviors and feelings were all normal. I learned about well meaning counselors causing more damage than harm. I learned that there are recovery “maps” available which allowed me a time frame and not to feel that the recovery is taking forever. I did learn that, in order to heal the couple must move from blame to understanding.”

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , | 2 Comments

You’re OK Exactly Where You Are

Posted on June 26, 2014 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

image of a sad woman, conceptual domestic violence, mental health, depression

Part of the healing from infidelity and cheating is being able to “see through” the cheating behavior as the cheating spouse’s problem. Yes, this is easier said than done; especially early in the process of healing and moving on. How can this behavior NOT hook you and stir the almost unbearable thoughts and feelings?

This question was raised by a member of my Infidelity Support group.

This blog is in reference to a free report I offer called “Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy.” To get your copy of this free report, click here.

Here is the transcript. I hope it’s helpful.

Karen: Dr Robert Huizenga, I would dearly like you to explain more on your concept of the spouse not being the enemy. I have purchased and read your material and this article in particular which seems to explain away the behavior of the distancing spouse, yet for me doesn’t go near covering the destruction and devastation and at times rejection felt by those who pursue and invest in relationships. I think its very much like sleeping with an enemy and in fact from experience (both personal and in my larger circle) could recite behavior of distancing people that can only be described as nasty, vindictive, perhaps passive aggressive, but in the end very damaging to those around. I personally think I would have felt better with an enemy than my own spouse and find that this article doesn’t cover the devastation, frustration, anger and rejection felt by those that find themselves distanced and rejected.

Dr. Huizenga: Thanks, Karen. The intent of “Your Spouse in Not your Enemy” is not to diminish your pain or condone the crazy, abusive behavior or your spouse. It’s purpose is to enable you to move beyond your pain and see the crazy behavior of your spouse as his problem, not yours. And, his behavior says much more about him than you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim… and remove yourself from the victim role, not by condemning the behavior of your spouse or letting it hook your negative thinking about yourself, but seeing the crazy stuff as his crazy problem. And, then…move on with confidence and grace, not anger and rage.

Karen: Thanks Robert. I take your point on it being a hook and a negative one at that. I see it as a dance or a spiral that is difficult to break. Yes, it’s a fair point about it being about his crazy stuff and seeing it as that, his, as for years I thought I was the problem. I am not saying I am perfect, far from it. The confidence and grace bit, well that’s going to take time and anger is still very much present. However yes, I take the point. When I read it my perception was that of the distancing being explained away, and yes there must be an explanation, for me though at the moment I am focused on the end result of the behavior which is a lot of hurt and pain.

Dr. Huizenga: Yeah, it is a process Karen. And you are at a particular point in that process of healing which is to be respected. BTW I like the way you grasp this and respond. That speaks very well for you.. bright… which means you will someday be able to stand back and smile…

Karen: Ah thanks! Nice to talk with you and thanks for the material, have read it all and it has helped enormously with understanding the process, the type of affair and just general knowledge of this area. I sincerely hope I can smile (more often) again.

Dr. Huizenga: You will. Remember… this too shall pass!!!!!

Karen: Thanks also for the comment on being at a particular point in the process which is to be respected. It’s very validating as sometimes those around us and in particular spouses or ex-spouses don’t respect that this is a process, takes time, we find our own way and it should at the very least be respected given what we have gone through. Cheers!

Dr. Huizenga: You are OK, just where you are!

Karen is ok exactly where she is, and so are you. Remember that.

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

6 Reasons Being a Basket Case is Normal After Discovery of Infidelity

Posted on June 9, 2014 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

When you discover the infidelity demon in your marriage being a basket case is normal, as attested to by the fact that hundreds have come to me with their pain, confusion, rage and numbness upon discovery of their cheating spouse.

Being a basket case has nothing to do with your intelligence or competence. You may have always seen yourself as a can do and talented individual. Infidelity causes you to question everything about yourself including these beliefs.

Being a basket case is normal. Here are a few reasons why it is almost impossible (at least at first) to avoid Basketcaseitist.

1. Upon the discovery of infidelity most question: “What did I do wrong? I probably was not good enough sexually! What IS wrong with me that my partner has to look elsewhere? Where didn’t I meet his/her needs? I must be defective. S/he found someone else to love and I must be unlovable now.

Such thoughts are common, since our culture has a distorted view of love. It is subtly embedded within us as we watch television, romantic comedies or read the tabloids moving through the grocery checkout, that “being in love” is the ultimate – whether it is with your spouse or someone else.

“Being in love” is the goal in relationships. And if someone must go somewhere else to find that “loving feeling” the relationship or other person in that relationship must be tainted or incapable of maintaining that love.

2. Infidelity is like being raped. Something sacred, something vitally important has been violated. Boundaries of loyalty, trust and promises of fidelity, care and concern are mocked without seemingly much regard.

The wounded spouse is stunned that such insensitivity could occur, especially by someone whom s/he thought s/he trusted.

3. It seems as if one is about to lose his/her world. And by world, I mean all of it. At risk is losing one’s spouse, losing financial security, losing one’s home, losing one’s extended family, losing closeness to children, losing one’s dreams and hopes and losing any sense of normalcy and predictability about life.

One may withdraw in fear. One may lash out in fear. One may fight out of fear. One may plead and beg out of fear. One may resort to unthinkable behaviors because s/he is terrified – and I mean terrified.

The world feels like it is crumbling and crashing down. And, there is no vision of what might be left.

4. One feels terribly powerless. It is s/he, the cheating spouse, who seems to be calling the shots, who is doing whatever s/he chooses to do and there is very little the wounded spouse can seemingly do to stop the nightmarish behavior of the cheating spouse.

The cheating spouse is giving all the power and attention to the other person and is oblivious to the pleas, concerns and requests of the spouse.

After first discovery, the wounded spouse may attempt to exert control or power upon the situation, but soon finds that the efforts are fruitless.

5. The wounded spouse is often blindsided. S/he did not see it coming. Life was rolling along (yes, things seemed a little off… but what marriages DON’T experience that?) and all of a sudden one is sucker punched.

S/he thought there was an agreement that, even though times might get tough, neither one would resort to infidelity. But here it is. Unexpected. Unwanted. Without time to prepare for the intensity of the feelings and the thoughts that just won’t go away.

6. The personal neediness of the wounded spouse is exposed. Now, none of us want to be known as “needy.” But when infidelity raises its ugly head one’s neediness is front and center: the need for a hug, the need for affirmation, the need for attention, the need to feel loved, the need to be safe and the need for predictability.

All these needs are magnified and their intensity level soars. And, the wounded spouse may resort to unthinkable behaviors to get those needs met or at least know there is a possibility of them being met… sometime.

Take heart, the intensity of your feelings and the frightfulness of your thoughts are normal.

And, basketcaseitis passes with time as you understand the type of affair and what about your cheating spouse (not you, nor the marriage) motivated the infidelity.

Posted in Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , | 3 Comments

Affair Recovery: Talking about the Affair

Posted on June 3, 2014 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

A major road block for many couples recovering from infidelity is talking about the infidelity.

Frequently one (the betrayed) spouse needs to talk about the infidelity. The cheating spouse says, “No. It’s over. Let’s not drag up the past. Let’s move on.”

I can’t tell you how many times my coaching clients bring up this issue. It’s HUGE.

One MAJOR shift for a couple attempting to rebuild after infidelity is: From the fear of talking about the infidelity – to expressing the need to talk and why.

Helen wrote me an email describing in eloquent detail how her and her husband navigated these turbulent waters.

Helen gave me permission to share her story with you. Here it is: 

Hello Dr Bob, 

I really appreciated this email from you and I received it at a very important time in rebuilding the relationship and marriage with my husband. We are reconciling after seven years. He is now three months back in the house and we made a promise back then that in three months’ time we would both ask each other how we were feeling. Well last night we had the talk and we both agreed that we would be very honest with each other.

To be honest I was fearful talking about it. I felt he was home, he was there, don’t upset the apple cart. 

But we had promised to be honest with each other and I asked my husband how he was feeling being back around me and his three sons (all adults) and he said he was very happy to be back home. 

He thinks we are both doing great, we have both changed, he is very sorry and will try and make it up to me and his sons in any way he can.  

He said he thought about us a lot, knew what we were all going through, knew I was hurting and in pain (which I begged to differ) and told him so as he could not possibly know the pain I was going through.

He looked surprised when I said this, but tried to reassure me he knew what I was going through. He was going through pain also and his pain must have been the same as mine. 

I felt very angry when he said this.

My husband saw I was angry and told me not to hold back, to talk. 

I told him I had written my story and asked him to read it so he could see exactly what went on in our home while he was gone.

He said he did not want to read my story (Diary) as he felt I was trying to make him feel guilty. 

This was not the case and it was never my intention to make him feel guilty.  I just felt he needed to know the damage he left behind, the many people he hurt, but mostly and more importantly me and our three sons.  

Our voices got a bit raised so I asked for a time out and asked that we speak to each other in a civil manner and not to shout. My husband agreed. After 15 minutes we continued the conversation. 

I asked him not to compare my pain with his. His pain was a choice he made. We talked for quite a while after that and I felt more at ease with myself.

I was no longer afraid to say how I felt, I let my words flow. I was hurt that he thought I was trying to make him feel guilty and annoyed also and I told him so. 

I had honestly thought if he had read my story or Diary as I call it now, he would be able to understand me a lot more and we could heal a lot quicker because we knew what we had to work on. 

He said he thought I was trying to make him feel bad, point a finger at him and tell him he was a bold man.  

I was glad he was honest with me about how he was feeling, as I would never have thought that. 

Normally that would have been a lack of communication between us, but after we trashed the whole thing out (amicably) we both felt a sense of relief that each of us were on the same page now and very pleased at how honest we were both being.

He asked me how I really felt since he came back and I hesitated to answer.  

He asked me to tell the truth as he had noticed I was somewhat distant for some days now. 

I told him I thought I should be a lot happier in myself since his return.  

I could see this hurt him a little and he asked me to explain. 

I thought having him back now, everything was going to be great. we were back together yeaaa and we would live happily ever after. Not so.  

I felt he was not guilty enough, slipped back into the role of my husband too easy, thought he would be hugging me more, telling me how happy he is to be back, etc. etc.  

I just needed some more reassurance and he said he thought he was giving me lots of reassurance, but he will work on that. 

He understands I will have triggers and days when I feel sad and asked that I promise to let him know when I am having these thoughts so we can both talk about them.

I could see myself slipping back into old patterns, but I convinced myself there was no harm in this. I also felt a bit angry at myself.  

Here I was, after working on myself for all those years, coping on my own, making my own decisions and yet I was letting myself slip back into old patterns.

When I said this to my husband he asked me why I was changing back to my old ways for him. He did not want me to do that.  I had no real answer to this other than to say maybe I was happy he was back and I was afraid he would leave again.  

We talked for a long time about this and at the end of our conversation we both agreed we had cleared the air, to always be honest with each other about how we feel and to talk about even the slightest worry we may have no matter how small it was.    

So, Doctor, thank you for helping us not to be afraid to open up about how we really feel and to not let lack of communication stop us from having a wonderful marriage.  

I can honestly say I feel so much pressure released from me and I feel so much happier in myself. Thank you for all your wonderful work. Helen

For more information on Recovering from an Affair, check out my e-book, Break Free From the Affair.

 

Posted in Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Trust Building | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

How to fix Your Relationship: STOP Trying so Hard

Posted on May 30, 2014 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Put on brakes and shift to neutral.

Your efforts to find love and the intimacy you deserve and desire are to be commended. Your intentions are positive.

However, you probably are trying TOO hard.

When you attempt to “force it” or “fix it” you set into motion a cycle that defeats what you intend.

You want to “work on the relationship” so you embark on a campaign to enlist the efforts and cooperation of your partner.

You focus on him/her to engage with you in more conversation, better communication, more romance, more intentional time together, send articles, keep texting, or even suggest and strongly encourage couples’ counseling.

And, the more you persist the more resistance you encounter.

You pursue, your other distances.

Your efforts are met with resistance at best and failure at worst.

You feel another level of rejection and distance. Your state of frustration hurt and anger amp up another notch.

And, you try harder. You recharge your efforts. Perhaps you focus on another strategy; this time a weekend retreat or self help workbook. Or, you come across another strategy from an expert that will “make” your spouse responsive and you

implement that suggestion.

Again, you bump into another round of rejection, distance, perhaps passive aggressive resistance or more conflict. Or there may be a positive response, but it just doesn’t feel genuine.

You don’t trust it.

STOP trying so hard.

Become aware of your tendency to look to him/her for your health and well being, stop believing the result is rejection and stop performing or twisting yourself into a pretzel to get his/her attention and love.

Posted in Relationship Communication, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Trust Building | Tagged , , | 7 Comments

What is a Good Apology from the Cheating Spouse?

Posted on February 13, 2014 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

Good ApologyHow do you know if your significant other is truly sorry for what s/he did?

Frequently, in my coaching sessions, I hear the betrayed spouse wanting and needing to feel that the cheating spouse is truly sorry.

In some cases it doesn’t seem genuine or enough. The following scenarios are fairly common:

  • The cheating spouse out of guilt may want to forget it ever happened and refuses to talk about “it.”
  • The cheating spouse, fearful of the feelings of the betrayed spouse may also attempt to “put it behind them.”
  • The betrayed spouse often is looking for remorse, expressed with deep felt feelings. That remorse often does not appear.
  • The cheating spouse may say “I’m sorry,” but the depth of those words are called into question.
  • An expression of THE apology or heartfelt remorse is often seen as a tipping point in the ability to trust now, and in the future.

Watch this video. It gives 3 great examples of apologies…

 

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Infidelity Marriage, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , | 11 Comments

Marriage advice to Keep on Track to Save Your Marriage

Posted on September 7, 2013 by Dr. Bob Huizenga

S

Marriage Advice

Saving your Marriage

It is difficult to maintain your self respect as you try to save your broken marriage. You easily doubt yourself, your role in the marriage and go through a litany of “what ifs.” You wonder what you could have done differently. You question your adequacy on a number of levels. Mutual respect in a relationship is vital. Discover the 5 broken marriage tips in this video that will help you gain your self respect so you become less reactive and are better able to express yourself powerfully.



Download the audio for this video now!

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationships: Marriage, Surviving Infidelity, Uncategorized | Tagged , , | 1 Comment