After a Divorce: How the Inner and Outer Bodies Heal

Posted on September 25, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What do you need to do heal yourself after a divorce? There are many different ways that you can go about getting over a divorce or a break up. But understanding just how your physical body and your emotions are connected will help you in doing this effectively.

Your body is not just something that makes you a real, physical entity. It is a physical manifestation of your inner thoughts and feelings as well, and it knows who you truly are fully and completely. It is what makes it possible for you feel joy, pleasure and happiness during your good days, as well as pain, sorrow and suffering when you are going through something bad like after a divorce. It is also what makes it possible for you to feel your connection to the spiritual world, and what makes that connection more real. It is the reason you can feel all the feelings you are having, and you are able to act on the things you want to do. It is the reason that you can access the physical world, while serving as a tool for you to communicate spiritually as well.

When someone goes through a crisis in his or her life like after a divorce, there are impacts on both the physical or external, and the spiritual or the internal aspects, especially so in crises involving divorce, separation or break-ups. Going through these crises in life affects your mental and spiritual capacities, and it definitely does something to you emotionally. But then it encroaches outside into the physical world and affects your friendships and relationships with your children and other people, your social life, your physical health, even your finances. Every aspect of your life, in one way or another, directly or indirectly, can be affected after a divorce.

When you are going through life after a divorce or a break up, there are two aspects of your life that you need to face or deal with in order to bring back structure in your life.

These are the inner work and the outer work. The inner work focuses mostly on your feelings and emotions about what you are going through. It is about the process in which you make sense of everything you are feeling about what is happening after a divorce, how and why. Identifying those feelings and expressing them is what the inner work is about.

The outer work, on the other hand, refers to the things you are doing in the physical world that will let you reestablish yourself and build a new life apart from your partner. Very common forms of outer work is moving into a new house or apartment, meeting new people and making new friends, taking up a new hobby or exercising, and other stuff like that.

Most people think that it’s only the inner world that needs to be addressed and fixed and healed after a divorce, and they don’t realize that there are a lot of things in the outer world that need fixing, too. So if you are in a situation where you are trying to heal after a divorce, make you sure you take care  of both worlds and not ignore one for the other.

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Problems You Might Encounter When Rebuilding a Marriage

Posted on September 20, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What are the things one should expect when rebuilding a marriage? What particular problems or issues commonly arise when dealing with broken trust and crushed faith after infidelity?

Plenty of couples choose to stay together and work on rebuilding the marriage after infidelity occurs, but just when is working on the marriage not working anymore? Here are a few instances.

1. One of the most common mistakes couples do when they are rebuilding a marriage after an affair crisis is to put their personal needs on hold for the sake of making the other happy. This is often an action that the offending partner does, usually out of guilt, shame or embarrassment, as a way to ask forgiveness. Although it is an effective tactic that will please your partner in the short-term, it will eventually lead to resentment or even anger on your side because the needs being met is only one-sided.

2. The couple also feels this pressure to act or think a certain way while rebuilding a marriage, and is afraid to deviate from that way of acting or thinking because it might take them away from reaching their goal.

They become too afraid of disappointing one another or doing something wrong because they don’t want to come off as though they weren’t trying hard enough or putting that much effort into rebuilding a marriage tainted by infidelity.

3. Another thing that couples do when rebuilding a marriage is avoid conflict, sometimes to the point where they pretend that nothing is wrong even something clearly is. They tend to become too nice to each other and are always on their best behavior because they don’t want to add to their issues. But this actually achieves just the opposite of that and adds more problems to the ones they already have. Ignoring a problem after infidelity doesn’t make it go away, it only makes your list of problems longer.

There are plenty of things that need to be dealt with when infidelity becomes a part of a marriage. And all these things need to be addressed before you can fully be able to go ahead with rebuilding a marriage.

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The Other Person: What Roles Do They Play?

Posted on September 18, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What is it exactly that your partner sees in the other person? What are the things that they provide your partner that you are not able to?

Most people who are victims of extramarital affairs tend to blame the other person for the affair more than their partners. This is because society’s general attitude towards infidelity is that it is caused by the third person, and their partners were forced into the affair and are merely victims as well.

They tend to look at the other person as kind of a femme fatale or a Don Juan – someone who can make their partners do anything with a snap of a finger. But what they refuse to understand is that their partners had as much to do with the affair as the third person, and that if the affair hadn’t happened with that particular person, it still probably would have with a different person.

So if you really think about it, just how special is the other person?

A lot of people believe that infidelity happens in relationships where love does not exist anymore, which isn’t always true. There have been plenty of cases where the affair was a way for the partner to deal with a certain issue or problem, and not necessarily an act caused by “falling out of love.” It becomes a fantasy relationship, where both the partner and the other person present only the best parts of themselves and do not have the same responsibilities and priorities as a married couple does.

In most cases where the partner does choose the third party over the spouse, they eventually figure out that what attracted them most to that third person is the role they presented – that of a lover – and not the person himself, and that the illusion they had of this person giving them a new, more exciting life was nothing but an illusion.

There are plenty of other roles that the other person could be fulfilling for your partner, and understanding the nature of their relationship could give you insight on what it is exactly that the other person is doing for your partner.

Posted in Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Reasons, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Trust Building, Types of Affairs, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Cheating vs Infidelity: What’s the Difference?

Posted on September 13, 2012 by Jan Stevens

How do people view cheating vs infidelity? Do people see cheating as something that’s different from infidelity? If they do, how are they different from one another?

The thousand of couples who have undergone counseling and therapy sessions with Dr. Huizenga for the past twenty plus years of his practice have shown a difference in how they perceive cheating vs infidelity.

A lot of people view someone who is cheating as a person who does not say no to extramarital affairs, as someone who does not want to say no to it. And this – I don’t want to say no – is actually one out of the seven different kinds of extramarital affairs in the e-book Break Free from the Affair by Dr. Huizenga. The other six types are more closely related to how infidelity is perceived.

As for someone involved in infidelity, people view him or her as someone who is having a hard time dealing with his or her actions. This person is filled with guilt and shame from his or her extramarital affairs, and is confused by why he or she is doing it in the first place.

Another difference that people see with cheating vs infidelity is that cheating usually means several extramarital affairs with many other persons which most likely involved sexual encounters. And infidelity, in contrast, usually just involves one person who your partner has some type of feelings for, and may only entail emotional feelings and connections without sexual encounters, but, of course, it is still possible for it to occur.

So to explain simply, most people see cheaters as people who go around having affairs with whoever would want to be with them without caring that they are being unfaithful to their spouses. And people involved in infidelity are those who are aware that their actions can hurt their spouses and feel very badly about doing so. This is the common difference people see in cheating vs infidelity.

But how will you know which one your partner is if you think that he or she is having an affair? How do you differentiate cheating from infidelity? Are there specific signs that only happen with cheating? Or with infidelity? What are they? And are they going to be easy to spot?

Our next blog post will discuss more on cheating vs infidelity and their signs are, so don’t miss it!

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Getting Away From the Confusion in Infidelity

Posted on September 11, 2012 by Jan Stevens

“I want to be close to someone” is one of the seven types of affairs,and it is described as the one that brings about the confusion in infidelity the most compared to other six. Here’s what you need to know about this type of affair.

If your partner is going through an affair of the “I want to be close to someone, which means I can’t stand intimacy” type, you are probably going through a great deal of doubts and confusion in infidelity. And the main that is causing all of that is your partner.

“I want to be close to someone” is the type of affair where your partner isn’t really sure about what he wants, whether it’s from you, from the other person, or even from himself. He, himself, is confused about which relationship he really wants.

On one hand, he has you and your marriage, which is so comfortable and stable and familiar to him that he doesn’t want to leave it behind. But on the other hand, there’s the other person and their new and exciting relationship that holds a lot of potential and possibilities to him.

The confusion in infidelity arises when, as much as he doesn’t want to end your marriage, he also doesn’t want to let go of the other relationship. Because of his goal to be close to someone, he wants to see where both relationships will lead. He wants to make sure that he chooses the right person, the person who he will be close to and make him feel complete, and so he does not let go of either one.

Both relationships pull him back and forth, and because he doesn’t know what to do and because he doesn’t know what he wants, he ends up not doing anything at all and leaves you and the other person stuck along with him in all the confusion in infidelity. He tries to manage the tension and keep everything from blowing up and falling apart by avoiding the issues he needs to face and avoiding having to make a decision.

Keep yourself from getting sucked into a situation like this by being aware of your personal needs, and knowing what it is that you want from your partner. It is important to constantly reflect on what it is you want for yourself and let these needs and wants guide you in the direction of where you want to be. Don’t be pulled along in your partner’s confusion in infidelity and decide for yourself what it is that is best for you.

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Extramarital Affair: Should You Stay in the Marriage?

Posted on September 6, 2012 by Jan Stevens

When you see yourself being unable to decide whether or not to stay in the marriage upon discovering your partner’s extramarital affair, ask yourself if it really is what you want to do or if there’s some other reason why you feel compelled to do it.

Here are some reasons why you may want to stay in your marriage after an extramarital affair. Go over them and reflect on whether or not they fit your situation.

Do you really want to save the marriage or…?

1. Are you just tired of trying to change your partner’s behavior? Have you given up trying to make him realize how his or her actions and his behavior are affecting you and your relationship? Do you see more confrontation in your relationship as just another way to add more problems in your marriage, so you just avoid it instead even if it means tolerating his or her extramarital affair?

2. Are your religious or moral beliefs playing a big part in making you stay in your marriage even after discovering your partner’s extramarital affair? Do you believe you are doing the right thing by staying with your partner? Are your beliefs worth being in a relationship with an unfaithful partner?

3. Do you believe that it is in your children’s best interest that you and your partner stay together? Do you feel that your children will be harmed if you keep trying to force your partner to change his or her behavior?

4. Do you feel like there’s nothing you can do but stay in the marriage? Like you have no other choice? Does it feel like you’ve already done everything you can do? That you’re stuck in this situation and you can’t change anything anymore?

Do any of these things feel familiar to you and your situation? Or are they helpful in letting you figure out what your personal reasons are for staying in your marriage? Share your thoughts on why you or anyone would stay in the marriage after an extramarital affair by leaving a comment.

Posted in Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Surviving Infidelity, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

After Infidelity: Fixing the Marriage by Identifying Barriers

Posted on September 4, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What are the things you need to know and understand to help you fix your marriage after infidelity? What issues, problems and barriers do you need to deal with? And what should you deal with first?

Going through an extramarital affair crisis is never easy for anyone. And what happens after infidelity varies for different couples and depends on the strength of their marriage. Plenty of couples make the decision to end their marriages because of infidelity, but there are just as many couples who stay in the marriage and try to make it work.

But rebuilding a marriage after infidelity is never as simple as deciding to stay. There are a lot of obstacles that you will have to go through and a lot of issues that you and your partner will have to discuss and deal with. You will also need to get over any of your personal barriers that each of you have, as a couple and as individuals, or both.

Most of the time, breaking down these barriers is the hardest part when dealing with extramarital affairs, and most people have trouble identifying the reasons or the barriers that keep them from really fixing the issues they are going through after infidelity.

A great way to do that is by taking some time by yourself to really think about your situation, what you want to happen, and what you need to make it happen. Reflect and make a list of the specific barriers that are holding you back from fully moving forward with your marriage and with your life after infidelity. Make them as specific as possible. This will allow you to pinpoint which areas you need to work on in yourself and you will also be able to realize what you need from your partner and your relationship after infidelity.

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Stop the Affair and Heal the Marriage: Seven Strategies that will Show You How (Pt. 2)

Posted on August 30, 2012 by Jan Stevens

This second part of this series will discuss the seven strategies we talked about in the first blog post that will help you stop the affair, and heal the marriage and your life.

1. First thing you need to do is to get happy. Even if you don’t feel it. Even if it’s the last thing you want to be. Or even if it doesn’t seem like it’s possible to be happy about anything. Force yourself to feel happy, cheerful and positive. You should do this especially when you are around your husband or wife, even if you have to fake it. Exude happiness and positivity until you get to that point when you aren’t faking anymore.

2. Find something you want to do, and do it. To heal the marriage, you need to heal yourself as well. Rediscover old hobbies that you’ve stopped doing for whatever reason. Take them up again and see how you enjoy them now. Or you can discover new things and try things that you’ve always wanted to do but never have. You could even try taking up a new hobby with your kids and make it an activity that’s special to you both – somewhat of a bonding experience.

3. Know that no matter how bad things may seem that you will make it through this. It’s normal to feel depressed and angry and confused about what you are going through, but whenever you feel any of these feelings, remind yourself that it won’t always be that way – that you will get through it,  that you will make it to other side and heal the marriage.

4. Never let your conversations with your husband or wife be anything more than it has to be. If you need to talk about issues with the children, keep your talk only about the children. Never let him or her pull you into a conversation about something else, especially if that something else is going to be a melodramatic conversation about his or her affair and the other person. You won’t be able to heal the marriage if you entertain his thoughts on his affair. Make it clear that you do not want to talk about that but be calm and polite in saying so. If he or she does start, end the conversation.

5. Whenever you are talking to your spouse, try to find which part of what he or she is saying is true and recognize that truth. Let him or her know that you agree with that particular true statement. By acknowledging what is true for you in what your spouse says, you are helping him or her heal the marriage and recognize, in return, what is true for him or her.

6. Go out and meet new people, even those of the opposite sex. But this is not for any other purpose than to make new friends or deepen the relationship with the friends you already have. You need all the support you can get from your family and friends. Be around people who you know will help you and support you as you try to heal the marriage. People who will be honest with you and will be there for you to make you feel better about yourself and your situation.

7. And lastly, do not forget to take of your physical self while you are going through this emotional turmoil. You may be too focused on fixing your relationship and your emotional and mental health that you forget to keep yourself healthy physically as well. Take care of body with exercise and a healthy diet.

Now that you’ve read the seven strategies to stop the affair and heal the marriage, do you think you will be able to handle them? If you think you will have a hard time doing them all at the same time, it’s not a problem. You don’t have to push yourself to practice all these strategies at once.

Choose the one that you think you will be able to handle best at this moment and stick with that for a while. Once you’ve gotten the hang of that specific strategy, you can choose another and do that as well. Go through the seven strategies one by one. Don’t rush yourself. You will see that each one will make a difference in your spouse as well as in yourself, and will push the both of you towards working to heal the marriage.

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Stop the Affair and Heal the Marriage: Seven Strategies that will Show You How

Posted on August 28, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Are you looking for ways that you can save your marriage and stop the affair your partner is having? Then you don’t need to look any further because in this two-part blog post, we will discuss seven strategies you can use to stop the affair and give you the opportunity to heal your marriage.

As you know, there are different types of affairs – seven that we have developed and that you can read more about here – and that your husband or wife could be in any one of these types of affairs. But these seven strategies are actually effective in helping you stop the affair no matter what type it is.

You have to remember, though, that to stop the affair is not easy or simple, especially if your partner is a serial philanderer or has addictive urges. In cases like this, these strategies may not be as effective as you want or expect it to be.

Just like everything else, these strategies cannot be done without exerting any effort. If you want this to work to stop the affair, you will need to be committed in doing these strategies and focused on achieving your goal, and this demands strength and power, control and dedication.

The discovery of the affair is the hardest part, and it is during this time that you will be able to see if you can handle controlling your feelings and emotions, which is a big aspect of doing these strategies. Of course, this isn’t to say that you shouldn’t be hurt or sad or angry or lost upon discovering your husband or wife’s affair.

It is normal for you to react this way, and there’s nothing wrong with doing so. But if you can see that you won’t be able to handle going through these strategies, then it is best that you find ways that will allow you to regain some strength, trust and confidence in yourself that will help you in going through these strategies to stop the affair.

One more thing that you have to make sure of is the reason why you are trying or why you want to try these strategies. This is not something you can use to manipulate your partner into behaving or acting the way you want him or her to. If that is your purpose, then your partner will see right what you are doing and will most likely retaliate.

These strategies are here to help you. They are here because you have decided that you want to save your marriage and give it another shot. And you are using them because you want to stop the affair, because this is what you want for you and you think this is the right way to go.

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Unsatisfying Sex in Extramarital Affairs: Yes, It Is Possible

Posted on August 23, 2012 by Jan Stevens

I have worked with several people who had engaged in extramarital affairs, most of whom have said that they deeply regret being unfaithful to their partners and feel awful over what they did.

There are two cases, in particular, where the clients described how their undesirable sexual encounters with the other persons made the guilt of the extramarital affairs even worse.

One of the cases was a man who had always struggled with his self-esteem, and pinpointed his extramarital affairs as that of number six – I need to prove my desirability. He described how he met a woman 15 years younger than him who flattered him a lot and made him feel good about himself — better than what when he was with his wife. The flirting eventually turned into a sexual affair, but then during the few times they had “tried” to have a physical relationship, the results were always terrible.

The second case, on the other hand, was that of a woman who had met and started an affair with someone who was also 15 years younger than her. She said that while she was in the other relationship, she never felt like herself, that she always felt as if she were another person. She’s even went as far as to describe how the other person had a hard time getting an erection when they tried to have sex. She has since ended the affair and is now working on fixing her marriage.

There are plenty of other cases of extramarital affairs where things didn’t go quite as you had imagined. You may think that affairs always consist of better conversations, better sexual encounters, and better companionship than what you have in your marriage. Keep in mind that it’s not what happens. Most of the time, it’s the exact opposite.

Although it is easier to think that your partner’s sexual encounters with the other person is great and very satisfying, probably because the affair will make more sense if it was, it is not always the case. Don’t always believe your worst thoughts about extramarital affairs as truth because they aren’t always true.

Posted in Infidelity Pain, Infidelity Reasons, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Surviving Infidelity, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments