This Too Shall Pass

The pain of infidelity will eventually subside and evaporate. It may be difficult to believe this when in the initial throes of the pain and agony, but those who have gone through the pain of infidelity describe the passing of the pain.

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This Too Shall Pass

If you know me well, you know that I sometimes (often on occasion) use the phrase, “This too shall pass.”

I truly believe that. The moment may seem unbearable, but relief awaits you in your future. More than relief, a new life, intentionally designed by you, without a need to cave in to others, is in your future.

Okay, so how do I know?

Well, I’ve been there and done that.

And, I’ve talked to hundreds and received more emails that testify to that fact.

Remember, I asked you to fill out a survey of how you are “surviving” infidelity?

Well, I’ve had hundreds of responses and am in the process of editing them.

I want to share a couple responses here.

If you aren’t sure you will survive, these words will give you hope.

If you are surviving and moving ahead, you may find the words affirming or a new idea on what you can do to redesign your life.

Here we go:

The value of support…

when I found out, I could not eat, hold in food, lost 15lbs in two weeks & cried for 4 hours straight & could not function at work, taking care of kids etc. I wanted to lay in bed all day, but my very supportive family forced me to go on. My parents took my kids for a few days, so I could get my house organized. My grandparents slept over for a few days so that they could help me keep a functional routine for my kids (homework, dinner etc). I was back to work within three days of finding out. Although I had to leave early due to being “sick,” this type of forceful functionality helped me move through a bulldozer type of incident that occurred to my life. My friends took me out & invited me to comedies, parties etc. Everyone that supported me wanted me to move through the pain. They accepted my depression, & repetitious venting & believe it or not this made me feel good. The weight loss, a new hair style & new clothes helped me feel different & more attractive. I joined face book& reconnected with many old male & female friends & I feel important again. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have a flashback of what my husband did to me, but time, friendship & family definitely help the healing process. So stay in touch with friends, keep family close & dress up even when its not necessary, to boost your self esteem. This will help the process. It has been 11 months since the affair & I have a long way to go before the pain subsides, however, I gave my husband a chance & things do look better than they did prior to the affair. I look better than I have in a while & if things don’t work out, I realize that once you have been through the heartbreak & heartache of an affair, you will be much more tolerable & stronger if the current or future relationships don’t work out. You are worth it & don’t ever let your cheater tell you different. Its there fault for weak character flaws not yours!

Reframing… dividing him/her into parts. (Great strategy to overcome the initial pain.)

I didn’t know if our marriage would survive. I never will. I knew that at the onset. I stayed to see what was left of it. I am exploring what is left of it for us. I hated his guts at first. I hated to see him at all. I didn’t want to look at the stranger in front of me. The shock was so severe when I looked at him I didn’t even recognize who he was. I just couldn’t seem to stop staring at this person in front of me. I realized at some point that I knew PART of him. And that I hated the part I didn’t know. I still do. I love parts of him and I hate parts of him. I don’t expect that will change. I have to live with the part of him I hate to live with the part of him that I once loved fully. I will never love him that way again. But, I can love him as much as is reasonable to the situation.

This person has the capacity to mentally stand back and “observe” the situation. Some can do this. It’s more difficult for others. Can you do this?

I moved out giving him time to pack and leave. I went to counseling and suggested he do so also. I only confided in friends and family that loved BOTH of us because I did not want negative advice or feelings expressed by others, just healing, no matter what the outcome might be for the relationship. I continued to talk calmly to him about day to day affairs with the household and our children. I still continued to show respect and consideration for him, even though our relationship was a huge question. I joined a gym, and pursued night classes after work. I focused on healing myself.

This is just a sample.

What will it take for you to heal? What resources can you use. What will you do on your journey (and opportunity) to redesign your life and perhaps relationship?

Remember, this too shall pass.

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New “Survival” Tool for You

The internet makes it possible for you, as never before, to find the practical information you need instantly at your finger tips. We are blessed.

It also provides an opportunity for people to find others who understand, care and are walking the same journey. That also is very cool.

Ever heard of Twitter? Well, it’s a BIG thing online now, and for good reason. You can join a group of people who let each other know (or you can merely read their “twitters” what they are doing in a moment of time.

Do you see the power of this for someone trying to navigate infidelity? You don’t have to be alone. You can read what others are doing to heal. You can post your mini-blog on what you are doing (140 characters or less.)

You can immerse yourself in this group to change your focal point, shift your thinking away from him/her/them and find the people who truly understand and can empathize.

Oh, one more thing. You can get and send twitters on your cell phone.

Very cool, also.

I was thinking this would be a great tool for us to use. Or, at least see how it works.

I set up a new Twitter account, JUST for my readers and those on the journey of coping with infidelity.

You may join and check it out. No cost.

You may join and jump in. Some already have.

I will try to twitter about my life and I invite you to do the same with yours. Let’s join virtual hands and move ahead.

To join, go to www.twitter.com, create an account and join me and others on their journey at Dr_Bob_H

Hope to see you there.