The Marital Affair: When the Pain Begins to End

Yes, the pain does end. This too shall pass is a favorite expression of Dr. Bob Huizenga, the infidelity coach. Examples are give from case studies in which the pain subsides and new life emerges.

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When the Pain Begins to End

I end each of my videos with the phrase, “This too shall pass!”

And, it does.

It passes over time.

There are no magic bullets for infidelity. My magic wand broke a few years back and my magic potion jar is empty.

But, with a little assistance, a little openness to learning and a willingness to try the uncomfortable, the inner healing process that you and everyone else possesses, kicks into gear and you can make the infidelity in your marriage a springboard to a new life.

Life is not linear. Life is not without trauma.

Show me a person who has not suffered, a person who has moved through life unscathed and I will show you a person less than human (or perhaps a liar.)

Infidelity just happens to be the cross or trauma you must bear right now. The cross of someone else may be different.

So, a first conceptual framework is to accept the fact that crosses, traumas, and in your case infidelity, does indeed happen. You are not cursed. You are not worse or better than anyone else. You are merely experiencing infidelity. You are experiencing what it means to be human.

And, with this conceptual framework you will survive, will heal, will move through it.

Others have and you can also.

And you may ask, “How?”

Good question.

That’s a question I posed to you a few months back: “What small changes or shifts do you notice in your self that help you to think and feel better?” Remember?

Here are some responses. I hope they give you concrete examples of the decisions made along the way and how they contribute to the healing process.

Here they are:

>>>>I didn’t feel like doing anything and I was just going through the motions. I couldn’t focus on anything but wondering what my husband was doing and where he was. Now I find there are long periods of time where I do not wonder. I am getting back into “my life” by choice. But this could only happen when I was ready.. even though I knew I had to get back to doing things I used to enjoy at the beginning I was only faking it. An early sign of getting better was when I was able to make small jokes about “the other woman.” It is a very gradual process that takes a very long time, even with help and I don’t know if I will ever stop thinking about it, but the thoughts are getting less frequent and as we build more good memories it helps to replace the old ones.

>>>>I concentrate on me and the children. I use strategies when I think of the OP. I bite my tongue until the thought goes away. Or I imagine her naked being squeezed into a tiny box in my head that I can put the lid on. Then I concentrate on anything that keeps my mind busy. i work with the boys writing song lyrics(V. useful) and read. I look after my weight and I tell myself that this is not my fault. I take great pleasure in other men noticing me, but knowing that I am too good for them! I would not stray, but my husband notices this too and it keeps him on his toes. I walk tall – it’s very hard to be depressed if you keep your back straight, look the world in the eye and smile. i am OK!!

>>>>More objectivity, more detachment … allowing me to see the patterns in my husband’s behavior. The knowledge has helped to free me from his irrationality and I better understand that his infidelity is about him and his choices. I am not responsible for his infidelity and I am not defined by his choices. The pain is still there but less raw.

>>>>I took myself off the Zoloft (slowly) and I joined a gym, I exercise almost every day. This has really helped with stress, and when I’m working out all I focus on is my body and how it feels… so nice not to have HER on my mind! I also take extra fish oil and an extra 1 or 2 vitamin B-100 tablets.

>>>>I became committed to “myself” and my life. I ceased to think of life as “our” life. I committed to making “my” life better and leaving him to tend his own and his choices. I began to focus more on how “I” was feeling and cared less and less about how “he” was feeling. I began to focus on what I wanted and protecting myself from further injury inflicted by him.

And, I also asked, “What small changes or shifts have your noticed in your spouse that indicate healing or resolution?”

Here are some responses on the healing for the marriage after infidelity:

>>>He is taking a lot of time to make sure I am Ok. He notices my mood swings and tells me he’s noticed. If I have a panic attack he holds me tight and apologizes for the pain. He wants to be with the children as much as he can as he knows he is lucky to have this chance to repair the damage. He knows not to buy me gifts. Instead he takes time to choose well worded cards. He comes home almost every night, even if it’s a 6 hour drive. He’s stopped wanting to be king pin in social situations and best of all has stopped all of the sexual innuendos that always made me squirm, but he thought were clever. He doesn’t flirt – at least not while I’m there. Will it continue? Who knows!

>>>He is willing to discuss difficult situations instead of shut me out. He is completely transparent, sending me travel itineraries, showing me his phone, giving me all passwords by his choice. He asks how I am doing and really means it and pushes me when I say “fine” but am not. His willingness to answer all questions I had about the affair was very telling as well. He knew it would hurt me and it was difficult to talk about but he knew that I could not move past it without answers to all my questions. We have been reading Bob’s books together a chapter at a time and sometimes he is the one to suggest we go upstairs and read a chapter together which is SO different from how he used to be! We are also going to counseling together and there are some days that I feel too mentally exhausted to go but he pushes me to go and we are always glad we did. We plan date nights at least once a week. Very important!!, most of all he is just “present”.. it is hard to explain, but if you have had a cheating spouse and for months you know they are not “there” it just feels comfortable and real when you are together and they are present.

>>>He began to focus on what he had done to ruin intimacy in our relationship. He began to learn to control himself and listen as well as talk. He began to realize that he was ending the love I had for him by continuing in any selfish thought patterns. He began to understand that I am a separate individual from him…that I don’t “need” him and that if he continued to do things that made me withdraw from him, I would do it completely, and move on with my life without him. He began to seek contact with me.