How Sue Catapulted Through Her 3-Week Crying Jag and Meltdown

First, here’s an introduction by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Sue:

Isn’t it truly amazing how circumstances sometimes flow together to offer to us what we really need – and as they flow we are clueless about their importance?

A couple months ago I ventured into the chat room to check out the software that was acting up. While there I struck up a short conversation with a Sue. I enjoyed our short chat, but didn’t think any more about it.

A while later I offered free Laser (15 minute) coaching sessions. Sue registered.

Sue was one of my last sessions. I called and said, "This is Dr. Huizenga, calling for our Laser Coaching." She gasped, started laughing, and began apologizing.

She said she was feeling so good that she forgot about the session. She was sorry but she had no idea what questions to ask or talk about. This might be a waste our time?

But, we continued. And what emerged was truly amazing. Sue encapsulated the healing change process that I witness with so many struggling with infidelity. She eloquently, with joy and passion shared her inspiring journey.

Sue’s situation from Sue:

I am 43 and my husband is 45.  The OP just turned 28 this week. The physical affair has been going on for 11 mos and I’ve know for 8 mos…suspected for 10mos.

I knew something was wrong in our marriage going back about 2 yrs ago.  I didn’t know what and we continued to have a really nice connection and made time for each other every night.  I asked for marriage counseling ‘just in case’.  He assured me all was OK.  He now says he did not know anything was not OK at the time…..but sees how not OK it was.

At the end of June last year he was ‘hanging out’ with one of our tenants.  She and her sister lived in another unit of ours for 2-3 years.  When this sister decided they should live on their own, an apartment we have in our town became available and she moved in.  The other sister died tragically about 2 months later.  We helped this girl through this mess……me on the periphery, and my husband more through direct contact.  Well, at the end of June I told him I was very uncomfortable with the time he was spending with her.  Wasn’t tons, but it seemed innappropriate.

As the summer wore on I became more and more suspicious as his behavior was changing in subtle ways….what time he wanted to go to bed, etc.  I confronted him on several occasions only to be met with denial and reassurance.  His work schedule had been very demanding so I was looking at this as a time period to ‘get through’ and that it would end in September (his work can be cyclical).

The last Wednesday of August I went to bed and actually said out loud to myself "OK Sue. You are going to have to get used to living alone."  I woke up that night at 3AM to find that he wasn’t there.  Had taken the recycling down and kept driving.

I waited up and when he returned an hour later, it all (well not all!) came out.  I would have gone there if he hadn’t taken my car and his keys.  The real hell had begun.  After two wishy washy weeks he came home on our14 y anniversary (been together 20) and told me he couldn’t give me what I wanted.  That he couldn’t leave her.  I summarily told him to get out.  It was ugly.  He got drunk and she totalled his car that night.  All bad.

The next couple of weeks I told them to get out of our apartment in the center of the town…..our poor kids!  They are now in 6th and 7th grades and were ‘aware’ of all of this before I was.  I never told them as they proclaimed it as knowledge.

Doug and I went to look at a house for him to move into.  He rented it and she moved in immediately and they both live there to this day.

During the holidays he spent the time with us and we traveled to his sister’s together and spent New Year’s Eve with our closest group of friends.  We had a great time.  He told her it was over New Year’s Day.  I think that lasted about a day.  He and I continued to spend time together until Feb 16th.  I said that was it.  He has shut himself off from all friends and family throughout this…except for that holiday period.  Noone has met her except for me.  And I did meet with her in those first two weeks.

3 weeks ago he told me when asked to picture how he sees himself growing old, he purely and clearly saw me.  Since then he has sounded much more grounded and honest.

Now, there has been many terrible hurts along the way.  He has taken her to tropical destinations on 2 occasions instead fo spending time with his kids on their vacation.  One of those times he took her to where we got engaged…..I cried for 3 weeks straight.

The kids and I have done a tremendous amount of growing.  We have been away twice and I just went away 2 weekends ago all by myself for the first time ever.  It was life changing and truly wonderful.

Doug and I still have a tremendously strong connection.  He is talking with her about having her move out.  I am talking about moving on.  I want the marriage, but am very ready now to go in either direction and feel quite good about that. 

I should also tell you we did see a marriage counselor for a few months (until Feb 16th) and we both see people individually.  Here’s another kicker…….we also see a ‘seer’..something that most people don’t understand.  But to say that this woman has been anything less than a miraculous help is an understatement.  I can explain more if you are interested.

So now I feel ready for whatever happens.  I could have really used your coaching before!

I am unsure about specific questions at this point.  I am more interested in guidance at this point as to how and when to draw the final line…meaning divorce papers.  It will be a challenge to remain clear when the feelings are still there, but I am so focused on me now and have walked through so much pain that I truly feel I can do this.

Thumbnail stories are probably hard to come by!  I may have more questions as each day is different, but I’ve been sitting in this new solid place for 2 weeks now.  And I know from each new level I’ve taken that the good won’t go away now.  It may become obscured if I’m not careful……but I won’t let it go away.

THANK YOU!!! for all that you have done.  Your site has been intstrumental in getting me to this point.  I can’t say enough about it.  I am the Sue you talked to in the chat room one night.

Dr. Huizenga’s review of the Laser Coaching Session:

1. There are the "firsts" after infidelity discovery. The first Christmas. The first birthday. The first Valentine’s Day. The first anniversary. The first visit to a special restaurant. It can be a long list.

Each is a hurdle. Each is a foreboding moat to cross.

For Sue, it was getting on a plane and taking her first trip alone. It was her hurdle – and as it turned out, her last major hurdle.

Prior to her jump over this last hurdle, Sue had a meltdown – a night and day crying jag that lasted for 3 weeks. Heart wrenching. Painful. Will-never-seem-to-end agony.

And then, one morning, it was over. A new day. A new perspective. New feelings. The pain, the agony, the endless days of tears were done.

What happened? What thrust her through that wall of agony with such power, force and finality?

2. Sue describes 4 strategies for breaking through the wall of pain a 180 degree shift in feelings.

If you listen closely you will hear four powerful strategies that Sue used and you can intentionally use as well to break through and break free.

Rather than summarizing them here, I want you hear Sue describe them. You will enjoy her words, her wisdom and how she conveys their power.

3. It takes courage to face the crud. You hear Sue and her experience of hitting the wall – the 3 week crying jag.

These tears were different than the tears/pain felt upon discovery of the affair. They had a different flavor and different purpose.

She knew she could not run away from these tears. If she did, they would only appear later, perhaps in more powerful destructive forms.

• Was this "work" for Sue?
• Did she invite these tears or did they just happen?
• Did she have any control over them?
• How did she break through?
• What was on the other side?

Sue addresses these questions in the tape.

Also, as you listen, hear her insightful comments about her desire to yell and scream, make knee-jerk decisions and take action she might regret. (This has great application, in all affairs except perhaps #2: "I Don’t Want to Say No.") See Break Free From the Affair for the characteristics of the 7 kinds of affairs.

4. Sue talks about the importance of waiting and the stages of waiting. Three periods of waiting:

1. Waiting for her crazy husband to change. (waste of time, but perhaps the first phase or stage of coping with infidelity)

2. Waiting for herself to be comfortable with her before she acted. (Now this is a challenge, but well worth the struggle)

3. Waiting for the process to complete. (Sue is now waiting to see what growth and decisisions her husband will make. She has a timeline of a few weeks [not months or years] to wait. If he continues down a path with the OP she will file for divorce. However, she is confident he is growing toward her and the marriage. Recent conversations and his changing behavior indicate so.) Sue can now wait with confidence, purpose and calmness after breaking through the wall of pain.

One more goodie from the tape: expectations.

Sue offers her wisdom and thinking on dealing with expectations. Great nuggets of truth.

Listen to Sue. You will be glad you did!