You Will Never Go Back to the Bliss of the Marriage After Infidelity
Lisa talks with lament about her memories of a blissfilled marriage and how that bliss was ravaged by the infidelity of her cheating husband. She longs for the return of the bliss that left her feeling exhilarated.
In the laser coaching session with Lisa, Dr. Huizenga looks at the personal need system and how that can be managed. The pernicious nature of secrets is also addressed as well as the long process of rebuilding trust.
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You Will NEVER Go Back to the Bliss
In this Featured article you will learn:
- how Lisa manages to open a new chapter in their marriage after the affair knowing she NEVER will go back to the marriage bliss of the first few years.
- how you can feel great sharing your wisdom and help others through infidelity
- how you can be one of the first 50 who will receive a special invitation to receive a new tape series produced by Dr. Huizenga that will prove hugely invaluable in breaking free from the affair
First, here’s a coaching review by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Erin:
Lisa thought she had an understanding with her husband. If ever either one of them began to stray, they would talk about it. It was agreed upon before the marriage. It was written in stone.
And Lisa wasn’t a prude. She considered herself an open person who knew sexual attractions exist outside the marriage and that probably her husband would have a desire to “make-out” with other women periodically. The making-out was ok, provided he shared his desire with Lisa.
Lisa perceived the marriage as blissful.
And, then she found out. There was a secret. Out of guilt and fear of discovery he divulged to Lisa a brief encounter 6 months ago. He felt badly and would never do it again. As well, he was extremely attentive to Lisa and was attempting to help her through this experience.
Lisa was devastated Couldn’t eat. Couldn’t sleep. Her world was shattered. Her bliss was shattered. How could she ever trust him again?
Dr. Huizenga ‘s Review:
1. Lisa and her husband openly talked about his personal need for attention from women before they were married. “Cheating” was a part of his history with women.
An agreement was reached. They would talk about any urge he had to stray before it happened. Lisa was totally open to such talk, in reality thinking it might add a little spice to the relationship.
Lisa’s needs were met with this agreement as well. She saw herself as an open and trusting person and an agreement to talk about possible attractions embellished this perception as well as created a marriage contract of openness and trust.
As a side note, her husband’s affairs most likely represented parts of “I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love” and “I Need to Prove my Desirability.” Both types emerge more out of personal need systems. The “I Don’t Want to Say No” affair emerges more from characterological issues and as such, he probably would not have embraced their agreement.
2. His affair or brief fling, as some might call it, stirred deep pain and resentment in Lisa. Lisa could more openly accept a brief fling or sexual encounter than the fact that he kept it a secret. This was betrayal.
This was a broken promise. This was a denial of their marriage contract spoken before the marriage.
Lisa trusted the relationship. She trusted him. She trusted the agreement would remain intact. Sure, a little flirting and maybe even making out could be understood and tolerated. But, the breaking of marriage vows that spoke specifically to his potential problem was unimaginable.
3. Lisa was grieving for the past.
The years of marriage where in her eyes, for the most part, blissful. Lisa in her openness and trust embraced life and lived it to the fullest.
And now it was gone.
How would she trust again? How would she recapture the feelings of well-being and bliss? How could she and her husband go back to what was?
But there was another level. In the tape I asked a question that leads to deeper richer levels of awareness and understanding. I asked her: “What does it mean to you that this happened?” And, then I asked her the question again.
Lisa came to understand that not only was trusting her husband problematic, but she had lost a great part of how she perceived herself. She took pride in being a trusting open person. And well she should.
But, now, no longer could she act in trusting open ways. Now she guarded her openness. It seemed as if the part of her was eradicated. Could she become that again? If not, who would she become and how would she get there?
4. Lisa looked ahead and saw a bleak future.
Would she be doomed to a life of suspicion? Would she feel a need to continually explore ways to spy and monitor his activities, without him knowing? Would she live with this wet blanket of mistrust covering her and the marriage? Was this really living?
And even more powerfully, would she find her zest for life, for openness, for exploration and for embracing the novelty and joy of life irrevocably removed?
Or, would she spend countless hours thinking, wondering, in individual therapy in couples therapy trying to reclaim and find a way back to the past?
These scenarios tore at her. She did not want this!
What was left?
5. Lisa acknowledged that the affair was a wake-up call. In some ways the marriage was sliding – taking each other for granted. Some of the spark was gone.
Lisa and the marriage would NEVER go back. The relationship would be different.
Efforts to revive the past were doomed to misery. Both would constantly experience failure as they attempted to “act out” their memories of bliss. Just couldn’t be done.
But, neither wanted to live with Lisa under her blanket of mistrust and he trying to assure and comfort her that it wouldn’t happen again.
Through the coaching session, Lisa began to see that perhaps a new chapter was opening for her and her marriage. They were sliding into something else, although that was not clearly defined at this point.
6. I confronted Lisa with the fact that they would NEVER go back to her bliss. But, maybe there was something different? And, maybe, after a fashion, she would find that something different to be a little richer and deeper than what she experienced before.
It would demand some shifts in thinking. It would require an openness to new ways of acting.
Lisa had no clue what that might be. She was locked into some consistent but not productive ways of approaching her husband.
Both are wiser. Both are weathering the storm. Both are committed. Lisa has more skills and maturity to forge with her husband a different, lasting and more mutually satisfying agreement this time around.
The last 5 minutes of the coaching session proved very helpful for Lisa. We put flesh on new possibilities for their marriage and new possibilities for them entering this emerging chapter with hope and tools to create a satisfying level of bliss.
The full tape is on my site.
I want you to take 15 minutes to listen to the tape. Will you do that? Please!
Once you listen to the tape, I will give you a link that sends you to a simple form where you can leave your comments. These comments are IMPORTANT. You know what it’s like. I can learn from you. Others can learn from you. (I’m totally convinced that learning from others coping with infidelity is THE most powerful way to learn – along with guided help from professionals.)
Once you leave your comment, you will be automatically included in a group that will get first chance to receive one of only 50 produced copies of Break Free From the Affair – 19 LIVE Laser Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga. This 6 CD packet with workbook offers emotional relief and gives you clarity to pinpoint the break free strategies that work best for YOU.
