An Extramarital Affair: How Do I Get Him or Her to Talk?
Dr. Huizenga, in this live laser coaching session with Erin deals with the topic of getting him to talk to her about vital issues. This a common infidelity problem: the cheating spouse distancing and closing down emotionally and verbally.
Sample and possible phrases are explored that might open lines of communication.
As well, Dr. Huizenga gives a summary of the laser coaching session with Erin.
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How Do I Get Him to Talk? This Dance Tires and Irritates Me
In this Featured article you will learn:
- the difficult question Erin must ask and answer and two sub questions that will get her on the right path and keep her there
- how you can feel great sharing your wisdom and help others through infidelity
- how you can be one of the first 50 who will receive a special invitation to receive a new tape series produced by Dr. Huizenga that will prove hugely invaluable in breaking free from the affair
First, here’s a coaching review by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Erin:
Erin’s drummer husband moved out to be with his lover, although he doesn’t know that Erin knows he’s with the OP (other person). The other person has a history of severe personal neediness.
He saunters back home frequently. He hasn’t asked for a divorce. He hasn’t said he doesn’t love Erin. Actually, he has said very little. However, tears emerge periodically.
Erin recently stopped quizzing and pulling information from him. Probing did not work. She began acting “happy and confident” – as some books prescribe.
His response is friendly, less cool, but with still little self-disclosure.
To break the impasse, Erin considers telling all – what she knows that he doesn’t know she knows.
As well, she practices one-liners that point to the dire consequences of his behavior, considering the history of instability and personal neediness of the OP.
Dr. Huizenga ‘s Review:
1. The tape with Erin points to particular features of the struggle in the intimacy-distance dance of affair #7: “I Want to be Close to Someone, But Can’t Stand Intimacy.”
Let’s start first with what was. Erin describes herself as the stable, cohesive person in their marriage. She held it together. She made decisions and for the most part, managed their lives. She was there for him. She met his needs on a variety of levels.
Family therapy circles might describe Erin as a rescuer. Her role was to pull the couple out of trouble and made sure they stayed there. For a period of time this worked.
And then her husband found someone more personally needy than he and he became the “rescuer.” He relished the role, perhaps feeling a sense of power and purpose in being the “one-up.” He describes his feelings in this relationship as one of being “in love.”
This created, of course, tremendous upset for Erin. She no longer had a role with him. He no longer acknowledged her worth or place in the relationship other than in a perfunctory way.
So, what was Erin to do? She saw herself in competition with the other woman. Was she to become more “needy” than the other person, to stir her husbands need to rescue with her? Nope. She was not that person. And, she probably couldn’t pull it off very well anyway.
2. A prominent characteristic of “I Want to Be Close to Someone, But, Can’t Stand Intimacy” is superficial, forced, polite conversation. The important issues are seldom addressed thoroughly or in depth.
As a matter of face, Erin’s husband did not know that Erin knew about the details of his relationship with the other person. This was a secret, or elephant standing in the middle of the room, that went unacknowledged.
Erin attempted to strike up conversations, hoping to gain information on which to approach him or make her decisions. His responses were evasive at best. He also would send mixed vague messages. For example, he would look at her with tears in his eyes and then leave with no explanation of where he was going or when he would return.
From Break Free From the Affair: (you) Find yourself giving a tremendous amount of energy to the process. It takes great effort being around him. It takes great effort communicating verbally with him. You are emotionally taxed at every turn. It’s like “pulling teeth” as you attempt to elicit from him some form of self disclosure. He gives you a little but not enough. You throw up your hands and he offers a little more. You ask for more and he backs away. Balancing the teeter-totter is work.
It’s impossible to read a closed book. Mind reading is extremely dangerous. Erin was spending considerable energy trying to find out what he wanted and what he was thinking. She was growing weary and resentful.
She also described past strategies of pleading, begging, crying and reacting. Did not work. So, she shifted to “acting happy and confident.” Neither elicited any changes from him. Erin felt stuck and powerless, doing what she thought would bring about change, but ending with disappointment and frustration.
3. I explored with Erin the possibility of telling him everything she knew about him and the other person. Erin also was throwing around that option, but had not taken any action. “What if it throws him back to the other person?” she worried.
There is more to this strategy, however. Pointing out the elephant most likely would dramatically change the pattern of the dance between the two of them. And when that pattern is changed, both enter into the unknown.
Sometimes the familiar, even though distasteful, is better than the unknown, which probably holds hope for rebirth.
This is what I say about truth telling in Break Free From the Affair:
Tip: The biggest obstacle for this couple is garnering the courage to the face the truth. Truth telling (either, I’m involved with someone else or, I know you are involved with someone else) will begin the healing and growth process. Both will have an opportunity to evaluate the relationship, explore and define their needs and begin charting a future that holds for them greater freedom and enhanced capacity for intimacy. They will begin to LIVE, whether they choose to maintain the marriage or divorce.
4. I asked Erin a difficult question: “Do you REALLY want to be married to him?” This, I hoped, would stimulate Erin to think about herself. And, when Erin begins thinking about herself the doors begin to open for healing and change. This is the beginning point.
What does this mean?
Well, two sub questions put flesh on the main question and prepare her to better confront her husband in ways that might be profitable for both.
These questions are:
- How much are you willing to tolerate? and,
- When, where and how will you draw a line?
Confrontation need not be sudden, dramatic or impose an ultimatum. Healthy confrontation is well thought out, explores a number of avenues and options and can be open ended.
5. I pointed Erin to two options or strategies for which she could prepare and execute.
A favorite question of mine is: “What would you REALLY like to say to him?” The sky is the limit here. Don’t censor. Think about what wells up from within. Rephrase sentences and ideas. Play with them. Don’t be afraid.
The key is to get the phrases into the open and them begin reshaping them and formulating them in a way that will be heard. Your objective is not to blast. Your objective is to structure and articulate your self disclosure in ways that will bring about the highest good for both of you.
In Break Free From the Affair, for affair #7, “I Want to be Close to Someone, But Can’t Stand Intimacy,” I refer to a tactic called Step Over Nothing.
You don’t get the response you would like? Feel like you are still “pussy-footing” around the issues? Your frustration level is mounting? Turn it up a notch by using what I call Step Over Nothing. Go for it. Be willing to say something when you hear it. Honor the inklings and intuitions that tell you that something is amiss in what happened. Nothing is sacred. You know that elephant is sitting in the middle of the room. Start looking at it and talking about it.
Tricky! But, well worth it.
The second strategy is begin making comments to him about his situation. This is called meta-commenting. You are not making comments about him! You are making comments about his situation and/or the consequences of his behavior. This is a powerful tool when conveyed charging neutral.
The full tape is on my site.
I want you to take 15 minutes to listen to the tape. Will you do that? Please!
Once you listen to the tape, I will give you a link that sends you to a simple form where you can leave your comments. These comments are IMPORTANT. You know what it’s like. I can learn from you. Others can learn from you. (I’m totally convinced that learning from others coping with infidelity is THE most powerful way to learn – along with guided help from professionals.)
Once you leave your comment, you will be automatically included in a group that will get first chance to receive one of only 50 produced copies of Break Free From the Affair – 19 LIVE Laser Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga. This 6 CD packet with workbook offers emotional relief and gives you clarity to pinpoint the break free strategies that work best for YOU.
