Surviving Infidelity Series: Confiding in Friends and Family Can Ease the “Shock of Discovery”

In the following paragraph you will read about one woman’s method of coping with her husbands affair upon discovering the infidelity. She chose to focus on her children, lean on friends and family, believe the cheating was not her fault, and insist on marriage counseling:

The shock of infidelity discovery nearly paralyzed me the first few days. But I knew that I had to care for and protect my younger children (aged 12 and 9) so I forced myself to get up, go to work, make them supper, etc. I was going through the motions in a fog, but in doing the everyday things that needed to get done rather than staying in bed curled up in the fetal position as I would have preferred, it made me realize that I was a good mother and a strong, caring person contrary to what he tried to tell me that I was. It also reinforced that my priorities were in the right place even if my husband’s were not. I kept my children’s well-being in mind at all times and allowed my husband to stay in the house rather than devastating my children, who adore their father, by kicking him out as I thought I should, or as I always had thought I would. I refused to react to his baiting insults and become the “crazy b—–” he accused me of being. I also came to realize that my husband had been maligning me to his family, in particular his mother with whom he knew I was very close, to cover his tracks if he were to get caught, I guess. So I decided to divulge his dirty little secret to my mother-in-law face-to-face. I calmly told him what I was going to do and refused to listen to his accusations of how selfish and uncaring I was being or how much I would only be hurting his mother. I knew I had to set the record straight and let the truth be known. He beat me to it by calling her and confessing. Then he called my parents and confessed to them as well. The love and support I received from his family as well as my own was my lifeline. I was very selective in which friends to tell, choosing to tell only our closest, most supportive friends that I knew I could trust. Their support was a huge help to me as well. Then I went online and read everything I could find on the subject of infidelity. Learning that I was not alone and that my feelings were valid and normal was an immense help to me. Perhaps one of the most helpful things was reading that IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. It was devastating to have to face up to and admit that my husband’s character was lacking so much more than I had thought throughout our 20 years of marriage, but it was not my character that was at fault, it was his. No matter how much he tried to put the blame on me, I kept telling myself it was not my fault–it was his and his alone. Then I insisted on getting marital counseling and would not take no for an answer. So, to summarize, I kept my children’s well-being as my number one priority, I refused to become the raging b—- he accused me of being, I told family and only my most trustworthy friends, acquired the mantra “It is not my fault” and repeated it to myself until I believed it, and then insisted on marriage counseling. It has been almost four years, and my marriage is now more honest and solid than ever. But the disappointment in his lack of character and my lack of complete trust in him are sad consequences that I believe will remain with me forever.

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