Surviving Infidelity Series: life After the Numbness Subsides

Learn how the following two individuals dealt with the extramarital affair facing them after the shock of discovery and numbness subsided:

The first day was absolutely terrifying. The affair was so well hidden. By the time I found out, it was already going on for 18 months. My husband was having an affair with my best friend’s daughter, who is 14 years his junior. My first reaction was numbness, speechless. Sleepless nights followed trying to find answers and reasons for the infidelity. The first week consisted of crying and more crying. Anger, resentment, rejection and ultimately, depression settled in.  Everything was affected by this life-altering infidelity discovery, which I made by chance. Nothing can replace the empty feeling of worthlessness! This is all part of the healing process – as painful as it sounds. REALITY CHECK!  A week or so later, I’d had enough of the pity party. I have four children, two adults and two minors and three grandchildren that needed me WHOLE, not half or empty. I cut myself off from the problem – I looked away from it and started focusing more on my work, children and other things that were suffering as a result of this happening in my life, things that are important for my survival. I could not break down and fall apart. I discovered that life must and will go on, with or without him. I realized that I was not the one that did this and that I was not to blame for all the hurt, pain and suffering caused by his infidelity. So why was I beating myself up over this? I started reminding myself daily: I do not have time to spend with people who do not have time to spend with me. I would rather be alone than to be with the wrong people. That time is a God-given commodity that, once lost, cannot be replaced. I do not have any time to waste. I choose to spend my time wisely with people I care about and who care for me. I actually fell in love with myself again.

I was numb – totally and utterly numb – I couldn’t feel yet at the same time I was hurting deeper than I have ever known. I actually thought if he had died it would have been less painful, as stupid as it sounds. I found that being able to vent the same story over and over to my friends was helpful, and I found being told it would get easier in time, was really the most unhelpful as you can’t see beyond your pain at that time. I wasn’t even interested in the children although I did all the functioning and feeding, washing etc and listening to them but deep down I wasn’t there with them truly. It was the same numbing pain for weeks, trying to get past 11pm, which was the time I found them together, and sleep without tears. To be able to listen to music again. I hated music at this time. I lost a stone in about 2weeks and didn’t need to lose any weight. What changed it for me was gradual – I went for a drink with friends one night and felt part of something again, then I went again another night, then I started laughing again, then I was dragged out shopping and bought a new outfit – then I decided to change to who I was before I met the husband and it actually started to give me a bit of independence again and within about 4months of the endless tunnel of pain I was swinging my hips and moving again – listening to my children and hearing them this time – going out – I didn’t want to date, still too much pain to go out with a guy – and I still loved my husband bizarrely even though we weren’t together – still too much for me to work through with regards any future involvements with men but that didn’t matter – I didn’t need that – what I had was myself and I was starting to enjoy my own company again. But it stinks – it hurts and I still to this day have flashbacks of it all – it haunts me somewhere deep down still – a year after – but I am still here, functioning positively and moving forward with a smile. We do survive affairs but it takes time and everyone is different, I cried a river or maybe an ocean – I walked around with red eyes for weeks – but it does subside but you definitely can’t do it alone – either seek help from these sites which are very supportive and make you feel normal or seek family friends or all three – but don’t be brave – it’s not the time to be brave and good luck.

More Surviving Infidelity Stories and Comments

The Grass Isn’t Always Greener for the Cheating Spouse…Maybe Just Painted

Adultery and Journaling to Deal with the Pain

Recovering from an Affair and Waiting

Cheating Spouse = Depression, Anger and Grief

I’m a Survivor and I WILL Conquer Infidelity