Surviving Infidelity Series: recovering from an affair and waiting
Many, when confronted with the dreadful news of an extramarital affair, often wonder if they should stay or leave. These three stories describe three different situations regarding infidelity and waiting. The first chose to wait until she found the inner strength she needed to leave her husband. The second chose to stay out of a fear for her husbands physical and mental well being. The third has been struggling with her husbands affair for five years and continues to wait.
I knew my husband was having an affair, but he would not admit to it. He made me think that I was crazy and that nothing was going on. They try to convince you that you are crazy. He was so good at it that I had a nervous breakdown. But my situation was different. I had a son who has Duchenne Muscular Dystrophy and he thought I was trapped by a handicapped child. I took each day one day at a time, prayed, and waited for strength to come. When it did, I got rid of him.
I did many things but the main thing I did was wait, my husband was acting very strangely and in the end he ended up having a breakdown. This was an unbelievable sight. He completely lost it. He kept crying and wandering the streets. Even though it was difficult I kept supporting him because I love him and I didn’t know what else to do. It is nearly a year on and although things are not perfect, I believe I did the right thing because I would not have been able to live with the fact that he killed himself, how would my son deal with this. He is very grateful to me and thanks me compliments me on how I handled everything, the emotions, the household, our son, my elderly mother. I still cry a lot and have a lot of pain but it is improving slowly.
Discovery was 5 years ago and I still remember sitting at my desk with the realization hitting me literally not between my eyes but in my chest. I physically couldn’t breathe, move or function. I was in a state of shock. I felt like a huge boulder had just rolled over on top of me and was resting on my chest. It is amazing how emotional pain can also cause such physical pain. Over the past 5 years I have been up and down, at times so affected by the affair and depression all I could do was lay in bed and stare at the TV, not able to function, sleep or find anywhere to hide from the pain. Panics were so severe that when they hit, I couldn’t function at all and was pathetic. Where was my husband during all this? Good question but he seemed not to notice and went merrily on his way having his home life and his “other” life at the same time. I chose to stay and work through this as he said he didn’t want a life with the other woman. So why was he continuing to see her? That question still alludes me. 5 years is a long time to stay through all of this but I have refused to just hand my life over to the other woman which is what she wants. I have loved my husband through all of this and one of my good points is I have forgiven him which I believe has been key for me sticking through all of this. There will be a time when I say enough is enough but it will be when I am ready or feel the need. Many have criticized me for not giving the famous ultimatum —- but in a way, I have. I have said NO, I am not running, I am fighting for me, for a life I love and a husband I love. I have said to him, join me and if not, I will go on with my life the best way I can with as much dignity as I can. This is not weakness (even though many misinterpret it as such) it is strength. I have never accepted the affair, I have fought each and everyday. At first I couldn’t focus on me at all and I spent wasted time trying to please him, show him how wonderful he was and what he meant to me. Such a waste of time and energy. It has been a process but I have learned that I should focus on me. Get on with my life and set boundaries that I CAN ACHIEVE. I finally let go of the other woman. At first I let her drive me and my life. No longer. She isn’t important in my life any longer. I sense my husband has seen these differences and is moving toward ending the affair. He has made attempts 11 times throughout this process to end it with her but she never allows him to get through the “grieving process,” and he is drawn back to her. One day, he will end it or if he doesn’t, one day I will say, enough and I will end my part in trying to repair this relationship and rebuild trust, and he will be left to find his way through where ever he is at that moment. I do know that whatever way it is, I am a better person for being able to truly forgive him (and other woman) and to come out of this without scares that would make me an unfeeling, uncaring, untrusting woman. I still feel live is worthwhile and relationships are essential to a well rounded life. These words have guided me for a while now….. I believe in the sun even when it doesn’t shine, I believe in love even when it isn’t shown, I believe in God even when he doesn’t speak. These words found scratched on a wall at a concentration camp have helped me remember there is light at the end of this dark tunnel and for whatever reason we are sent on this journey it is up to us to get out of it what we can and find the good in each and every day. This website has been a source of torment for me as I learned what I didn’t want to see, guidance for me as I learned the truth, comfort as I sought help and friendships that will last far beyond this affair. I personally thank you for the chat room, as it is always there — even when no one is logged on, it is a place to go and wait, eventually someone will come on who understands and knows the pain you are feeling and nothing can compare with sharing and talking through that pain with someone who understands. They may not understand you but they understand the pain and that unites us and gives comfort. God bless you and guide you each and everyday.
More Surviving Infidelity Stories and Comments
Confiding in Family and Friends can Ease the “Shock of Discovery”
You Gotta Have Faith!!
Keeping Yourself Occupied After the Horrifying Discovery of the Affair
The Grass Isn’t Always Greener for the Cheating Spouse…Maybe Just Painted
Adultery and Journaling to Deal with the Pain
