Emotional Infidelity: How Charging Neutral Can Help Save Your Marriage
Having to listen to your partner talk about his emotional infidelity can be very depressing, how he has met and fallen in love with another person, how he has become confused about your relationship.
One of the most common things you will hear from people who are dealing with emotional infidelity is, “Him falling in love with someone else – that just makes everything worse. I wish he was just sleeping around instead. I think that I can be okay with that more.”
What can you do to increase your chances of saving your marriage after emotional infidelity?
The thing is, what the victim of emotional infidelity usually does is the same thing that everyone else would do when they are in this situation – to try to win him back.
She begins to demand things from him, to plead with him, to constantly ask him about his daily activities – where he goes, what he does, who he’s with. She would even talk to his friends and his family about the things he does. She would start to cling to him more and more, to try reassure herself that she has a place in the relationship.
And nothing you do will be of any use because he is completely captivated by the exhilaration and anticipation of discovering a new love.
Having to deal with these new feelings that arose from his emotional infidelity is sometimes hard enough for the cheating partner to handle, and the additional pressure you put into the situation actually makes him take a step further away from you. The thing he actually wants is to be secure. To have the kind of support system that will be constant and stable despite of all the problems.
Showing him how desperate you are without him only proves to him that you are not what he needs.
He will also start to see the differences between you and the other person. And being this needy, clingy person will only ensure that you are not going to be his first choice.
This is a useful tip you can do when dealing with emotional infidelity that will help you increase your chances of saving your marriage: Back off!
Keep yourself from asking too much from him. Don’t pressure him into making decisions. Stop hounding him about everything he does. Stop trying to look for some kind of reassurance. Just stop!
You have to remember that this phase isn’t going to last. You have to believe that. You just have to wait – wait for this new found love to fade.
He needs some time alone to think about his emotional infidelity. He has to think about what it is that he really wants, both from you and the other person. There will always be something inside of him that will ask, “Is this going to last? What is it that I really want? Where is this relationship going? Do I really want to go there? Will I really be able to live without her? What if I can’t handle not being with her?”
Giving him this time to think about his emotional infidelity will allow him to take a deeper look at what it means for him to love. Don’t keep him from learning this lesson. Don’t get in his way.
Yes, it definitely will not be easy to just stand back and leave him alone. But it’s something that you have to do. It is equally important for you to learn to stand back, to resist from demanding him to answer to you and your needs.
A skill you have to try to help you in this situation is called charging neutral. Exercise this skill, although it may be a little tricky in the beginning. You may need to ask for some outside help, like coaching or therapy. Having some help will probably make it easier for you because getting to know yourself on a deeper level is a huge part in developing this skill, as well as creating a confidence that will not easily waver during hard times.
Take this opportunity for you to become a better human being.
Rest assured that this change will not go unnoticed, and he may even begin to like this new you.
When you back off, it doesn’t mean that you don’t want to talk to him at all. In fact, it’s the opposite of that. What it means is that the type of communication you will have will have a deeper meaning. It will be the kind that will show him your strength during this emotional infidelity crisis, that will challenge him in his decision-making, and that will ultimately result in your marriage remaining intact.
What all this means is that having less superficial conversations and more meaningful ones will be more helpful in saving your marriage after emotional infidelity.
